Memories and Photographs

I’ve been clearing out photos and scanning them into the computer.  I can’t believe photos from my wedding look so dated!  I love the way we looked together.  Such a cute couple of dorks.  But I’m having difficulty reconciling that gilr in the photo with who I am today.  Maybe it’s because I’m just over 50.  I can’t shake the feeling that my life has passed by.  That it is sometimes too late to do the things we wanted to. Perhaps this is regret I’m feeling.  I know I’d like to live my life over again.

Would I have done things differently?  Would I have been happier if I’d waited to have kids?  Should I have waited to get married?  Did I even marry the right guy? How can I have all these doubts about my life now, when it’s more than half over?  I tell myself, no regrets, but I still do not live the life I want.  I have the time and energy now to start going to open mic nights.  Why not take a class on improvisation?  Why not enjoy the night life for the first time at age 51?  Because I feel old.  I don’t think I will find my audience in a comedy club, since most of them would be in their 30s.  I can’t relate to them.  I didn’t live the life they are.  I was never a successful yuppie.

What holds people back from pursuing their dreams?  Fear of failure or fear of success, either way it amounts to the same–not doing.  I was raised to be practical.  Take things as they come and make the best of what I had.  I never wanted much because I never figured I’d be able to afford much.  Growing up middle class, and trying to stay middle class today are two very different things.  Pratical people don’t spend their hard earned money to buy mic time at a local comedy club.  A pratical person buys shoes that go with everything and a single handbag.  Maybe it’s time I stopped being practical.

I plan all the time to take a stand up comedy class, start making the open mic nights around town.  I imagine myself on stage making people laugh and cringe.  I don’t hope to become famous.  I don’t plan to make millions.  I just want more humor in my life and I need to share it with other people.

My life is comfortable now.  I like sitting in my chair on Monday nights watching Alcatraz.  I enjoy the time I have now that I retired.  It’s said if you want to perform comedy you have to just get up and do it.  I’m not afraid of looking like a fool in front of a bunch of strangers.  Maybe I’m missing the drive to succeed since if I just go and do, I will have succeeded.  I’m trying to get my drive back, my eagerness, and I find I don’t know how to get it back.  Maybe this blog will lead me to where I truly want to be at this point in my life.

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