It seems each day my mind gets more blank. We have a friend who happens to be schizophrenic. During her bad years her meds caused her to be very blank. When you looked in her eyes there was no one home. I can’t imagine what was (or wasn’t) going on in her head.
Lately that’s how I’ve been feeling: blank, like no one’s home. It’s like I have no thoughts in my head unless someone speaks to me, then I come on, and feel normal. It’s as if there is a switch and I go to “sleep mode” while still being awake and aware. New thoughts are few and far between.
This really effects my ability to write again. Right now I feel as if I will never write another piece of fiction, and it makes me feel empty. I’ve already given up my livelihood to this fucking disease. It’s stolen my fine motor skills and my sex life, and now has taken my imagination hostage. What use is all the medicine, if I lose my mind on the way? Who wants to live like an empty shell, turned on and off like a robot by interaction. Just close my eyes and stick me in the closet.
But I’m not disabled. No, I’m perfectly ok. To look at me no one would believe I have any illness. When I go to my disability hearing, that’s what they will see: a perfectly healthy looking 50 something year old woman. I’ll be sure to bring my cane, but what about my cognitive problems? How to display my inability to follow a conversation in a noisy room? What does someone with cognitive problems look like? How should I look? Do I look blank like my friend Ann? I think I do, because Husband asks me throughout the day if I’m ok?
Today I am angry and frustrated at myself and this stupid disease and all the shit that goes with it. I’m tired of injections and pain medication. It’s hard telling people I retired, because they all say how lucky I am, and at that moment I feel anything but.
Money is starting to get tight and I’m starting to stress. I thought of trying to go back to work, but then I don’t know how to explain the last six months off work? I know I can’t do my normal job anymore, but I’m not sure what I can do. It’s obvious I can’t do anything requiring thinking on your feet. Learning new things is now much more difficult, and it seems I am incapable of remembering anything longer than ten minutes. (Something the DI people did not test for.)
So I breathe deep and try to relax. I’m writing this, so I am not incapable of writing or putting thoughts together, it just takes me a lot longer. My misbehaving fingers and new problem with spelling don’t speed things up much either. I plain can’t remember how to spell, and its not always easy to find a replacement word since my thesaurus is being held hostage with my imagination.
Used to. I used to do this. I used to be able to do that. I haven’t tried that in years. These have become my new mantras. Maybe if I meditate on them I will find the way to change “used to” to “still occasionally.”
Like the excellent spelling ability I used to have, I have to accept that my ability to write hasn’t ended, simply changed. As some of you may already have guessed, I do not like change. I have had stories published on line and in print. I know I could write, and I know there were at least a few people who liked it. I want it back. Do I want it as much as my 20-something body? Because maybe I just haven’t been trying hard enough.
When does life get easier?