Olympic Heroes

Since we want to make our athletes into heroes, why don’t we replace them with soldiers for the next Olympics.  And not just our soldiers, but police officers, fire fighters.  Get rid of politicians, we won’t need them any more.

The Olympics could be somewhat redesigned with the typical Marine-like exercises.  Soldiers with a full pack doing the parallel bars wouldn’t work, but I’d like to see one of them slogging through 100 meters of mud.  Let’s see Phelps do that.  Instead of throwing a shot putt they’ll throw grenades.  We could watch team sports like Mortar Teams, see which team can load their M120 fastest and hit the target dead on.  Instead of skeet shooting…no I won’t go there.  We wouldn’t have to change the shooting “games” I guess.  I think you get the idea here.

The army that wins the most gold is declare “Ruling Country of the World” for four years.  The country that wins the most silver medals is elected Vice Country of the World, and so on, with bronze winners acting as cabinet members.  These would truly be heroes then.  No more false politicians and mud-filled campaign ads, just women in fatigues running the marathon in mud in full combat gear.  She’s my hero.  I wouldn’t do what she is doing.  I couldn’t do what she is doing, not even if I was her age.

I’m not sure about other countries, I imagine it is similar everywhere, but we Americans tend to hero-ise people at a drop of the hat.  The gymnast you never heard of before is suddenly “America’s Little Sweetheart.”  She would get a special award; Most Congenial Competitor, and a $1 million singing contract (because that’s her second dream).

Those smaller and poorer countries will be allowed to “team up” with other similar-size countries, to give them a better edge, plus we will educate them and feed them McDonalds while they compete.  These “less talented” of the competitors will serve like America’s senators and congressional reps.

Think about it, a truly exciting Olympics every four years.  Every four years a new Ruling Country to step in and try to take over the rest of the world, only to be overturned when they lose the same event at the next Olympics.

I would do one other thing.  Why are female swimmers wear trunkinis, but the beach volleyball players wear bikinis?  I would make all the women competing in water sports to wear a traditional one piece suit, not the TankiniTrunks they’re wearing this year.  I would allow the beach volleyball players to continue wearing the bikinis.  Sometimes it’s not worth bucking the “system.”

Oh, one last thing.  The New Olympics will be shown on all the major television networks around the world 24 hours a day for the entire 14 day period.  It would ensure two things: each of us would get to see every minute of every event we want, and we would experience National Pride in our Heroes watching them perform, getting the “behind the athlete” stories, you know, humanize them.

The New Olympics will replace war and elections!  Who’s with me??

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