Today has been an up and down day. I think I’m beginning to feel less antidepressant in my body.
I had to run errands, and driving along with my ipod playing I’m having a good day, then comes on a song from Traffic, and I’m near tears. That music takes me back to the early days of my marriage, while we were still in the Navy and living in Okinawa. My H introduced me to all sorts of music I’d never heard before; Who, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, and groups like Buffalo Springfield, Cream and Traffic. Ever since the summer of 1979, Traffic has been a favorite.
So why does some of my favorite music make me cry? Because I so want to go back and do it again. All of it, the good and the bad. Just let me enjoy it all. I want my youth back. I want to be 20 again, naive, suspicious, and oddly hopeful. It took years to drain the hope and youth from me. It happens to all of us, I know that too. But this is ME I’m talking about, and it is no comfort to know there are others out there just like me; aging and hating every damn minute.
I’ve got to get past the regret, but I’m having such a tough time. I guess that’s why old songs make me feel old and dead inside. I keep myself occupied, and I enjoy my days, but there are moments that just hit me and I wish for the past with all my heart, knowing, of course, there is nothing I can do. I exercise now every day. I’m watching my diet. Walking more and walking farther (weather permitting). Trying to be healthier. I’ve lost some weight, but still have about another 20 to go, but I’m still working on it. How come I’m not getting past regret?
I realize dragging regret around is counterproductive, and maybe I’m making a little progress, I’m not sure. This regret weighs on me, sends me into fantasies of youth. It’s preventing me from living in today. I’ve gotten better at living day by day, but sometimes I want so much to be living day by day 30 years ago.
Do you mourn your youth? That’s what this feels like. Some days you’re ok, then there’s a reminder, a song or a place name that takes you back, and I am mourning the loss of my youth. I know eventually I’ll reach the next level: acceptance. Graceful acceptance. How do I accomplish that? How do you age gracefully? What does it mean exactly? I’ll need to find out so I can move on to it–graceful acceptance of aging. That’s a goal, right? Could I use that as an answer to an interview question: “What are your goals; where do you see yourself?” “I see myself accepting aging and doing it gracefully as I slowly lose the ability to think.” Think that would be the right goal to reveal to a potential employer?
Which brings me to the issue of going back to work. Still full of questions about what to reveal, and how much, or when. I tend to be nakedly honest and after 51 years I have found that (A) it makes people uncomfortable, i.e. “TMI”, and (B) it doesn’t always work in my favor. It’s really hard to change that facet of my personality. In fact I’m not sure I should change that.
I feel pretty stuck, which sucks as a place to be, we all know. Thank goodness only two of us in the house are going through a midlife crisis at once. Sometimes I can offer support to S, but other times I have to lock myself in my bedroom and feign a headache.
OK, Goal #1 – make my peace with aging, #2 – age gracefully, #3 accept that I can no longer do the work I used to do, no matter what the DI people say. I maybe need to move #3 to #1, but I hope to accomplish all three this year. Perhaps I’ll reach peace when I reach my weight goal?
Thank you for your patience with me. I’m normally very decisive, but this aging thing has thrown me for a loop and it’s been a lot to absorb.