I’ve been having a problem writing today. I start a sentence, then pause, and forget the rest of what I was going to say/write. The words are not coming easily either. I keep grasping but they are eluding me. I rephrase and rewrite every line, and it’s not so much self editing as it is MS censoring.
I have MS and it affects everyone differently, every day. The US Navy had an enlistment slogan in the 1970s…it happened again!@! I forgot the slogan as I was typing. Nevermind, new paragraph…
I want to cry, I’m afraid it will get harder and harder to write. I never thought it would end. I’ll have to switch to writing poetry (for it’s brevity), which, I’ll be honest with you, I don’t understand much. I don’t dislike it per se, but I never wrote any and generally do not read any (until recently finding a few poets here at WordPress). I always pictured myself as a novelist, not a poet. What’s the difference? I don’t think there is one, except for my own bias against poetry. Perhaps that is what MS wants to teach me today–that I need to try another style of writing.
I planned on working on my novel today, but with the memory phase-out going on I’m not sure I’ll get very far. Well, 50 words is still 50 words closer to my planned 50,000. Like any … So I…damn, happened again.
So, I have to change again. As anyone with MS can tell you, change again is the new mantra. You have to adjust daily to what your mind and body will or will not do. You could wake up tomorrow unable to move your left arm, or move at all. You could end up with ON (Optic Neuritis) a painful condition of pain in the optic nerves. It can give you nystagmus, where your eyes move back and forth or up and down, on their own. I can’t imagine how frightening that would be trying to make it in a world that was constantly fluttering. Balance and dizziness would be a constant companion.
But I didn’t start this particular blog to discuss the various tics of MS, but just about the mind tricks it plays. I can look back and read my writing from 10 years ago and I was prolific. Reams of notebooks filled with line after college-ruled line of my long hand scratchings. Today I can barely hold a pen for 15 minutes at a time. To do three pages of longhand now is a painful ordeal. Part of me wants to push through the pain, ignore it. I’m glad I’ve been able to move to the computer keyboard fairly easily. I still feel there is a disconnect between mind, fingers and computer, that I don’t feel when writing in longhand. Is that the root of my word/memory problem? If I try to go back to writing in longhand might I recover some of what I’ve lost?
I’m not very hopeful, but then again, what have I got to lose? I only need to remember that I’ve decided to write my drafts in longhand from now on. I’ll worry about learning poetry later (working on my Spanish is enough for now).