Have you seen this? “Get Old” by Pfizer? Not sure what it’s all about, but I went to it and read some entries. All these upbeat positive people. Made me want to vomit.
Really people, that’s how you really feel about getting old?
“I’m more comfortable in my own skin now” Sure you are. It fits so loosely it’s like a warm up suit.
“I don’t worry as much” You don’t worry as much. You can relax more? You’re not relaxing, you’re stuck inside because you don’t want to be seen using a walker.
“I don’t get my periods any more.” This speaks for itself.
“I don’t even think about sex.” Why not?!
That makes you feel good about being/getting old/er. All these things make me feel old, not good. Sure I’m a little wiser now than when I was 20, but were the past 30 years really necessary? Oh, sure if not for the intervening years I wouldn’t know the things I do now, and there’s no possible for me to go back and do my 20s over. I have so few memories of my 20s, 30s, it’s all just a blur, very few specific memories. A couple of birthdays, a few holiday memories, but nothing else. Is it because I never really did anything exciting or even interesting that there just isn’t anything to remember. The predominant theme of my life has been colored by my long underlying depression.
Or is it possible I had a great full life and my memory is so bad that you could tell me I took a trip down the Nile and I’d never know the difference.
But I remember most of the last few years, buying a house, getting another dog, lunches with friends. Why? Simply because it’s more recent? No, it’s been since I started living, which I sort of stopped doing when I got married. I think a lot of women do. We get absorbed by our significant other, and devoured by our children. At least that’s the way my family seemed to operate. My youth not only passed me by, I have no recollections of how good I used to feel. How easy it was to move when I was 20. I could dance in high heels all night, then get up and go to work.
How is my life better now that I’m older? I understand why things have happened the way they have and I don’t really want to live my life over. I just don’t want to feel bad reflecting on it. I don’t like saying “I used to,” or “I remember when I was your age…” I don’t like turning off one of my favorite songs because it makes me want to be 20 again. I feel I cheated myself out of some memories by marrying and older man and having a child right away. Husband has always said I would one day regret marrying him. I don’t regret it, but I think the timing could have been better. I always told him he saved me from a bad life of alcohol and drug abuse, though I was far from an addict, I felt I could have been.
After 30 years you grow apart as lovers. Sex becomes another thing you used to do. You just don’t have the stamina. The meds take their toll in side effects. You start to live like roommates. I don’t want that for me. I’m only 51! If it’s this bad now, how bad will it be when I’m in my 70s? Will husband already be gone? He’d be in his 80s. Who will take care of whom? The thought of getting older only means negative things to me. Most days I’m ok with it, but if I let myself think about it I get angry and then sad.
This getting old shit, is getting old. Maybe because of my last trip to my neurologist. I had suddenly developed a problem with my ankles. They stiffened up, lost all flexibility if I sit down for half an hour or so. She raised my zanaflex to 8mg up to three times a day. That’s about the max. The condition will only continue to worsen. Right now it works and I realized how stiff I was already walking. It’s incredible what you fail to perceive happening until suddenly it doesn’t happen. My ankles had been stiffening up for a while, they had just gotten worse. On the higher dose my ankles feel great! But I don’t want to take the highest dose at the highest frequency already. That just means it will stop working altogether at some point sooner than later. Do I take the dosage and feel great for a year, or limit the dose and feel ok for three?
Maybe getting older doesn’t always mean becoming disabled, and getting old certainly beats the option, but becoming disabled is far more realistic a future for some of us. I want to reach a peace with my anger at my body. I want to age gracefully. I want to use a cane with grace and style. But I’d really really love to be 21 just for one day!