I’m down to the last four weeks on Effexor. I was taking 450mg a day (something like 2x the highest recommended dosage) and my new shrink decided it was a good idea to change.
My mind feels a little clearer lately. The other day I had all kinds of energy and spent very little time on my computer. Now a storm front has moved in and it’s 50 degrees F and grey and drizzly. My energy is gone. My enthusiasm dampened. My forgetfulness is very much in my life. No major changes. I thought there was, but I was wrong. I forgot several things this week, including a message from the doctor to my husband. It wasn’t pretty.
I was hoping that lowering my prescription would have helped my memory improve more. I still have four weeks to go, and then maybe add a new drug to replace it. My depression isn’t back full force yet, but getting down to the last days could prove difficult. So far it hasn’t been too bad, my moodiness passes quickly, and if I’m really depressed I sleep (that way I don’t take it out on everyone in the house).
I had to fill out more paperwork for federal DI for them to reconsider me. Two of the packets were identical, both me and one other person were to fill them out. I did mine, and husband did the second. He warned me I might not like all of his answers, but I told him it needed to be honest. He indicated that I do not get along with other people. I knew he thought that, but it was weird seeing it in writing. I don’t get along with people? I’m short tempered, yes, I have little patience with stupidity, but I get along with almost everyone. I even get along with people no one else gets along with.
But husband is talking about family here. I admit I can get very aggravated sometimes with family, who doesn’t? One on one, I’m great, but put me in a room with three people, two conversations and a television, and I’m wacked out. I can’t concentrate with all the distraction and I get testy. Sometimes I think I have a hearing problem because this happens all the time. Any time I’m in a room with a lot of noise, I get very antsy. I’m uncomfortable with noise and bright lights. Is that a drug thing? An MS thing? Or is it just me? Only god knows, and he ain’t telling.
Its things like this that get me, and make me feel inadequate. I’m apparently incapable of having a calm conversation in our house. I don’t know why this is exactly, except I don’t put up with the same things any more. I do order GS to get his homework done, etc. But I don’t boss anyone else. Sometimes I feel like I’m the cook/maid for all the conversation I get. No one tells me thanks for doing the dishes/laundry/cleaning. Nobody notices when I spic and span the house. If you don’t recognize what I contribute, of course I’m going to be a little terse.
Problem recognized, at least by me. Now what to do about it? Instincts tell me to just be quiet and content. It could be worse. There is no way to control the mood swings. Could be menopause, ms, depression, or a reaction to the drugs I take. There seems little I can do about it. I can just accept this about myself and move on, which means shove the feeling deep down and keep going. I’m getting pretty good at meditating on acceptance. I just wish I actually accepted the things I cannot change. The desire for change is strong. My inner self says throw myself into my writing, do open mic nights and start performing. I will feel I accomplished something, hopefully worthwhile, despite the fact that I am unfriendly and snippy.