I’m noticing some major issues regarding my comprehension of both the written and oral communication.   I have to read a news article 3-4 times before I feel I understand it.  Even after 4 readings I don’t always understand what  read.  Worse is misunderstanding what a conversation is actually about.  S and I had a conversation this morning, an exchange of ideas about a plant.  He said Mimosa tree but my conversation was about Plumerias.  This happens constantly.  Sometimes I think it happens without my noticing, so it’s no wonder I don’t recall a particular conversation, because I never had that conversation.

It is a frightening thing to realize I no longer seem to comprehend simple English.  I barely read any more and I think my memory is why.  I can’t remember the characters in a book.  I don’t recall what has already happened and get lost in the present.  How the hell can I think about continuing to write with a mind  full of holes and lost syntax? 

Words don’t flow from me any more.  I don’t think any more, I just react.  It’s like regressing to a Neanderthal.  How can I explain this to the DI people?  I’m not sure I’m making myself understood here and writing used to be my weapon of choice.  I was a prolific journaller, filling reams of pages over the years and I look at those with wonder: I wonder who wrote this stuff, ’cause some of it’s really good.  I’m going to try to do NaNoWriMo next month and have some serious doubts that I can pull it off.  I did some good writing in August.  Well, I don’t know how good it is as I haven’t really read it yet.  It could be total crap.

Is it from the MS, drug side effects, a diet high in carbs, smoking tea, or a gluten allergy?  All the above?  Do I have to face the fact that my mind has changed and I am no longer capable of the same activities?  Can I change my diet, eliminate some carbs, go gluten free?  Will it make a difference?  My mind says, no it won’t change a thing, it’s the MS and the other things just make it worse.  So I shall go gluten free and lower my carbs, become a more of a vegetarian and less an herbivore.  I will minimize the meds I take and stop smoking.   After six months or a year will I notice a difference or will the MS have moved along so that there was still no change?  That is my fear.  That and knowing that I am a picky eater, I will have a lot of trouble changing my diet.

18 thoughts on “Confusion

  1. It is a real guessing game for sure. I have trouble reading and comprehension as you do but there are of course degrees of same…There are those that tell me if I change my diet and cut certain foods out my MS would be better..but like you I wonder how much I want to change my life and my habits in order to ‘maybe’ show a significant difference. I guess for now I’ve made the decision not to …You are quite a bit younger than I so maybe for you to modify some things to ‘try’ might be worthwhile. It’s difficult..and for you with your writing being so important for you it’s even more so. Do you feel anyone …doctor for example could guide you through some changes?…Diane

    1. I knew you would get what I’m saying. I’m glad I’m not the only one, that fear makes me crazy.

      It shouldn’t be difficult to eat more fruit and veggies, less cereal, right?? I just can’t be as picky. Currently I can go a day or two without any fruit, that can’t be good. Speaking of which, I think I’ll go eat some berries and try to read a blog. 🙂

      Thanks much for responding. How did your move go? I’ve got to catch up on my reading. But I guess you know how that goes.

      1. We’re still in ‘packing’ mode…the official move is next week Oct 24th…I’ve really fallen behind in reading blogs too…I try to keep up with some as I can but right now it’s really hard. ….take care Diane

  2. you would be suprise at some of the chemicals allowed in cigarettes by the FDA totally without regulation. because most of my family struggled or still are struggling with cigarette addiction, a great many suffering the physical, medical, and even ‘mortal’ consequesnces, i wrote an article on my blog a few months ago so i would encourage you to look it up or do some research on your own.
    my guess is the medications you are taking for the MS are somehow interacting with the cigarettes or some of the other more ‘dietary’ contributions of the NorthAmerican Diet.
    the best way to stop smoking is to just stop, flush your remaining cigs down the toilet, and never buy anymore cigarettes as if your life depends on it… because it does. thanks again for the oppotunity to participate and contribute on your blog.

    1. Lucky for me, I don’t smoke cigarettes, I’m referring to marijuana, which I smoke partly for my MS. But the quitting part is the same. I’m not sure I want to quit since I haven’t had a relapse in three years, the same time I’ve been smoking tea regularly.

      Thanks for your input.

  3. this is a connundrum isn’t it? last year i went off certain medications thinking if the changes i was going through were due to medication i would simply quit. i don’t regret trying but in the end it was obviously not the medication just the disease progressing.

    even though we have a different illness some things are going to be the same. we are acutely aware of moving in to the next phase. we are not pleased and try to halt it by changing things in our environment. from there we decide to accept this is the normal progression or we can do things that empower us. keep doing what you can to make your life better, for me i have reached a point where i accept but continue to hope. i accepted an oath to do no harm and now i apply that to my own life.

    if you doubt your ability to keep writing i suggest you re-read this post. you wrote with clarity and the one element imperative to truly good writing, your heart.

    wishing you peace of heart.

  4. is there a ‘medical’ reason for smoking the Pot? and separately, i’m curious of the benefits of smoking ‘tea’ leaves. is there and reason for this too? just wanted to know if these are tied to the treatment of your MS or the depression.

  5. can you be sure these two things aren’t interacting with the MS medicine from the Doctors to have the side effects you’re experiencing? if so, are they necessary, helpful and ‘healthful’ to your condition?

  6. I have no doubt that you struggle with your words and memory but your blog post is very clearly written and I can see that you are a writer.

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