I’m on the last two weeks of lowering my dosage of effexor from 450 mg to 37 1/2. In two weeks I will only be taking 200mg zoloft and .5 mg abilify. Then after another two weeks without effexor at all, go back and see the shrink and decide what new medication I should start. It has been harder than I thought, and worse than I expected. Each time I lower the dose I go through 3-4 days of depression, anger, frustration, mood swings, hot flashes and freak outs.
If you put me in a room by myself for those days I would probably be just fine, but life moves on, and I’m supposed to participate. I have a job to look for, a son to coax out of his own depression, and help with my ADHD gs. Throw in a little stress about using my credit cards to buy groceries, and it’s been quite a ride this year. To add a new drug to the mix is enough to make me tear at my hair. And today someone asked me why I don’t go back to school. LOL
I’ll be glad when I’m clear of effexor and relieved I haven’t been so bad as to do anything stupid. Luckily since I’m not employed I have no life insurance, so my death wouldn’t benefit my family monetarily, so I’m safe. But the idea is there, sneaking around the back of my mind. I hate that black snake of depression which takes all the joy from your life, leaving you with nothing but a blackness inside you, an emptiness that nothing can fill. A black hole in your soul. Depression is an evil fuck.
It’s been like having PMS for two weeks (totally not fair!) with mood swings that would scare children and so sudden–Like a hatchet through the day. How the hell am I supposed to work if I’m like this two weeks of the month? Now add the ms, the drive, the stress of working. Yet my government tells me I’m not disabled. Sure, when I’m not at work I’m good. Don’t give me any problems to deal with, and I’m your gal. Expect me to make international travel arrangements today and you’re going to end up in North Korea instead of South Korea. A simple transposition of words. An easy mistake for me to make these days.
I’d love to work, I need to work…I need the money– seriously DI insurance doesn’t buy you much. I spent all of this morning applying for AA positions in LA, an hour and a half drive from home (great for someone fatigued walking around the block). Keeping a calendar, making travel arrangements, simple bookkeeping, all duties of an AA. All the things I was once highly capable of. How do I apply for jobs I can do when I’m not sure what I can do. My resume is terrific, my skills as of 5 years ago–top notch.
I am friends with the administrator at VRM. We have a very honest relationship and I asked her knowing what she does of my situation would she hire me. She said absolutely not. I’m not sure I can manage the job of receptionist, yet I’m applying for an AA spot. I hope that dealing with a lower level exec would lessen my stress and even if I had to maintain a calendar and make travel arrangements it might only be occasional, not as heavy as with VRM, my last employer. I can probably get a job in a month if I went back to LA to the agency that got me my last job, but I would be lying to say I could still do that job, despite what my government says.
I’d be accused of lying to my prospective employer telling him, ‘yes, I’ve maintained a complex calendar’, though I have done. Am I to expect an employer to put up with my screaming and crying spells? Which, by the way may very well be due to the ms and be permanent and have nothing to do with my drug withdrawal. There’s virtually no way to tell. What would my exec do if I burst into tears after receiving a criticism? How will I take notes with bum thumbs? I’m willing to do my best, but I no longer know what my best is and whether it will be enough to get a job that will actually pay my mortgage. I don’t need to make zillions, I don’t need fancy vacations. Shit I don’t need vacations, haven’t had one until I retired this year, if you can call this past year a vacation…I didn’t go anywhere. (Didn’t even make it to the beach this summer.)
I’ll be calling a lawyer tomorrow to make an appointment to discuss my situation with disability and figure out my best option. Then I have to make an appointment with my shrink, see if I can get in to see him sooner than later. Then I will put my notes in order to start NaNoWriMo and write my 50,000-word draft of my latest novel.
If all goes well, I will be published in the Spring and make hundreds!
…. Ya gotta have a dream.