I just got off the phone with the DI attorney. This is our third conversation and I think I am resigned to try to go back to work when my state DI ends in December. After discussing it at some length since I feel I might be able to do some jobs, though I’m not sure about the fatigue factor, it will be in my favor to show I can’t do a full time job. The feds will then expect me to work part time.
All in all it is a dismal prospect. Can’t refi my house and lower my mortgage because no one will write a mortgage for a manufactured home in the US today. Thanks, for nothing banks my taxes helped bail out!! They won’t that is, until I’m behind on my payments. I’m already under water with my mortgage value higher than the current value of the home: by $100,000! No sweat, all I need to do is find a low level secretarial position, probably reception, and hope it pays me enough to pay the $2200 a month. Considering a receptionist job pays roughly $10 an hour that’s not bloody likely.
So as of today I officially end my ‘retirement’ and will be diligent about finding a low level secretarial job that I might be able to handle. All I can do is try. My mortgage and other payments be damned. I can lose my house, and my good credit rating, and won’t qualify for loans. I’ll have to go to one of those credit helper corps and get my credit card debt amount lowered, or just file for bankruptcy. Nice things in my future, huh?
Sorry, I’m just really depressed about my future right now. Never again will I make more than $30,000 a year. Never go back to school–I won’t have the energy and doubt if I could do the course work required any way. Never again will I feel confident and in control. Never again in a position to think for myself. I’ll never be asked for my expertise any more. No more Linda in charge. It’s fucking tough on the ego to realize these things.
I know I should be happy that I can still work (maybe). I should be pleased to be employed and providing a service for someone somewhere, but I don’t, and I’m not. I feel old, used up and worst of all, stupid and doomed. I feel like a loser because I won’t be working a “good” job any more. I’m not going to be an important part of the team any more. I know a receptionist is a good job. I know its and important job, too. I just never imagined traveling backward in my profession. I never knew it would be so tough on the ego, or that my ego was that big. I’ve always treated everyone equally, and was especially kind to our receptionists, because I knew their job was important, but most people are not kind to those in low level positions, and I don’t know if I can take that kind of shit any more.
I still have my novel writing for November. Then there’s Christmas (something we won’t be celebrating this year), and hopefully I will be woefully under employed by the new year. Just the way the feds intended it.
That’s it for now. Gotta go revise the resume and get a job. Can you say, “Do you want fries with that?”