DI Attorney

I just got off the phone with the DI attorney.  This is our third conversation and I think I am resigned to try to go back to work when my state DI ends in December.  After discussing it at some length since I feel I might be able to do some jobs, though I’m not sure about the fatigue factor, it will be in my favor to show I can’t do a full time job.  The feds will then expect me to work part time.

All in all it is a dismal prospect.  Can’t refi my house and lower my mortgage because no one will write a mortgage for a manufactured home in the US today.  Thanks, for nothing banks my taxes helped bail out!!  They won’t that is, until I’m behind on my payments.  I’m already under water with my mortgage value higher than the current value of the home: by $100,000!  No sweat, all I need to do is find a low level secretarial position, probably reception, and hope it pays me enough to pay the $2200 a month.  Considering a receptionist job pays roughly $10 an hour that’s not bloody likely.

So as of today I officially end my ‘retirement’ and will be diligent about finding a low level secretarial job that I might be able to handle.  All I can do is try.  My mortgage and other payments be damned.  I can lose my house, and my good credit rating, and won’t qualify for loans.  I’ll have  to go to one of those credit helper corps and get my credit card debt amount lowered, or just file for bankruptcy.  Nice things in my future, huh?

Sorry, I’m just really depressed about my future right now.   Never again will I make more than $30,000 a year.  Never go back to school–I won’t have the energy and doubt if I could do the course work required any way.   Never again will I feel confident and in control.  Never again in a position to think for myself.  I’ll never be asked for my expertise any more.  No more Linda in charge.  It’s fucking tough on the ego to realize these things.

I know I should be happy that I can still work (maybe).  I should be pleased to be employed and providing a service for someone somewhere, but I don’t, and I’m not.  I feel old, used up and worst of all, stupid and doomed.  I feel like a loser because I won’t be working a “good” job any more.  I’m not going to be an important part of the team any more.  I know a receptionist is a good job.  I know its and important job, too.  I just never imagined traveling backward in my profession.  I never knew it would be so tough on the ego, or that my ego was that big.  I’ve always treated everyone equally, and was especially kind to our receptionists, because I knew their job was important, but most people are not kind to those in low level positions, and I don’t know if I can take that kind of shit any more.

I still have my novel writing for November.  Then there’s Christmas (something we won’t be celebrating this year), and hopefully I will be woefully under employed by the new year.  Just the way the feds intended it.

That’s it for now.  Gotta go revise the resume and get a job.  Can you say, “Do you want fries with that?”

14 thoughts on “DI Attorney

  1. Everything you’re feeling right now is so justified..I guess you trust that the DI lawyer you spoke to was in fact telling you how it was and you don’t feel like getting a second opinion at this point only to be told the same thing. It’s just that it’s not right how you’ve been handled by the government DI people…and I expected that the lawyer would affirm this and am so disappointed as you are what he thinks.

    Your self esteem is taking a real beating and it’s no wonder you feel like all you’ve worked for is disappearing before your eyes.

    So your financial situation is not looking good re your house value etc. and even when you find work it’s going to be a strain to maintain things as they are it seems.

    A friend of mine was in a similar situation when her mortgage came due fro renewal she couldn’t get one because her home had devalued during the recession to more than she needed a mortgage for. Her only choice was bankruptcy and while it takes away her credit rating for 6 years, she did get rid of her debt that she had. She was of course sad to lose her little home but a trustee walked her through the process and told her exactly what to do. Before declaring she was told to go and rent an apartment and then discontinue her payments on the mortgage and her other debts. She made sure to get what she needed before declaring bankruptcy (like a bed she needed really bad) She is now not in her house but an apt. but free of debt. I tell you this only to say that if it comes to that for you perhaps you would be better off financially than trying to keep up with the mortgage payments based on what your part-time salary would be and your husband’s salary. I hope you don’t of course have to do it…but just giving you a look at the process.

    As far as helping you feel better…right now I know that is difficult. But know that there are those that care and are hurting for you…..Diane

    1. Thanks, as always for your support! 🙂 I’m resigned to the fact that I will never quite be the person I used to be, or wanted to become. I’m trying to concentrate on just making the next step; applying for jobs I’m pretty sure I can do, and avoiding any kind of commute.

      The lawyer did say my going back to work could work in my favor if I fail at even the simplest tasks. She said as soon as I feel I am utterly unemployable to give her a call she take my case on and see me through.

      On the other hand, I know bankruptcy is an option, and I am resigned to that possibility, but I can’t lose my house, my gs would likely need to change schools, and he’d lose all his neighborhood friends. I just couldn’t bear that. I know it’s a possibility, but I hope if I have to file for bankruptcy I am able to keep my house.

      I’ve got to try and be less emotional about the whole thing and not whine. It is what it is, and that’s all there is to it. Like I like to say, “You either keep going or give up.” I’m not ready to give up just yet. There’s still hope for me to make millions when my novel sells LOL!

      1. ” You’re not whining” you’re being human and venting which is okay…

        You won’t give up I know …you’ll do what you have to do….but it’s okay to vent in the meantime….Diane

  2. Sorry you’re dealing with so much right now. I don’t have much advice, but I’ll do my best to send you some love and good energy. This may sound quacky, but I had what I refer to as an ego-induced breakdown about five years ago. I tried to go back to work, grad school, and just normal life after my oldest son was born (very unplanned pregnancy) only to find that my brain no longer functioned. A friend suggested that I read A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, but I couldnt get through the introduction. She kept encouraging me and even bought the book on CD for me. I listened to it over and over — even when my mind wandered. Best thing I ever did for myself — totally changed my mindset — helped big time with my crushed ego. I even played it at night while I slept. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but something will work out. Love and hope, friend.

  3. I just want you to know how much I think about you and your situation and feel for you – yeah, a fat lot of good that does but it’s all I can do. I do wish I could help but all I can do is send you virtual good wishes. I feel your frustration – I just hope there is some light for you soon my friend.

    1. For you too. It means a lot to me to know you’re out there thinking about me, when you have your own plates to balance! I should be fine in a day or two as my body adjusts to the change in dosage. Holy moly, and my mom promised it would get easier. She probably hoped that was true. What doesn’t kill us, right?

    1. I never once blamed my situation on anyone else. I’m 52 going through menopause, and drug withdrawals, and I’m just supposed to buck up and take it like a man, right?

      I’d like to know how well you’d handle losing $50,000 a year in your annual income? I have depression and an incurable illness that effects me differently every day. I have lost so much cognitive function I am no longer able to work in my field. You trying getting a fucking job with that in your background.

      I will be honest with anyone I interview with (despite what you already think of me). I will let them know exactly what my limitations are, and when I lose that job for ordering lunch for 30 on the 10th, not lunch for 10 on the 30th, I’ll be sure to think of you and all the people I’d be stealing from if my government would find me suitably unemployable, because that, of course, if my fucking point in life. To suck at the teat of Uncle Sam. Yeah for that whole $1000 a month they’ll dole out to me.

      My ego, fragile as it is, has taken one helluva beating. I’ve been through the death of my entire family and infidelity. Suffered migraines, nervous breakdowns and suicide attempts. Well if all that doesn’t justify an occasional whiney post, then fuck you, you don’t have to read it or comment in your cute ‘uber harsh’ way.

      You are an unthinking, uncaring argumentative twit and I will no longer respond to any thing you write.

  4. wow, language. why is it that liberals seem to always resort to obsenities and profanity? nice way to treat a commenter on your blog offering a different opinion. how ‘open minded’ and tolerant of you.
    toodles! -mike

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