Of course today is all about being thankful, and I am. I also realized I haven’t always been thankful. Especially I haven’t been thankful or appreciative of my writing. I fear that is why Karma has seen fit to take much of my ability away.
I’m not angry about it, it’s karma after all. I took my writing ability for granted. I knew I was pretty good, maybe one day actually publish a series of novels. Just one series. There was a time I was writing short stories, novels, and researching all while holding down a stressful day job. Then my H had an affair. By the time it was over and I decided to stay, my writing left me. All my energy went into recovery. I did journaling throughout, then wrote a one person play about the experience. Now I have this play, five years stuffed in a drawer. I pulled it out months ago to punch it up, or switch it up. I read it now and it’s very self indulgent, I must make it appeal to a broader audience. I have tried many times to revise it, but it never gets done.
Then there’s my novel. Rewriting a finished novel from scratch. I can only hope it’s better than the original. If only the original hadn’t gone missing. No, I admit it. At the time it was deliberately left. We would get that in our last trip to the new house. Only we never made another trip to the house. Not until everything had been stripped. (Long story, maybe I’ll blog it one day.)
I did a NaNo camp in August and wrote some 12,ooo words. I was excited, at last my novel will be finished! But I didn’t finish. NaNo November came and I have successfully written about 6,000 more. Now I have forgotten the character names and will print it and read from start to finish and smooth out my plot lines. I printed it yesterday and it’s still sitting in the tray.
I say now to the universe that I am thankful for my writing skill, how ever limited. I know what it is to struggle for each word. I think my writing is much more precise, so maybe that’s a good thing.
The in-laws won’t be coming today. R is feeling very bad. He struggles for each breath. I don’t think he will see Christmas. I’m not sure he’ll live long enough to get a final diagnosis as to the extent of his cancer. We offered to bring dinner to them, but Mom declined. They just want to be alone together I guess. I feel so bad that Mom appears to be doing this all alone. All her siblings are gone. She doesn’t want us around. Her daughter is dying in Texas, and her son is recovering from a stroke in Colorado. There is no hope for a gathering at Christmas as we had envisioned.
It is a very sad season for us, yet I am thankful. I’m thankful Mom and R have put their affairs in order for us. I’m thankful we had all the extra years with Mom (she wasn’t supposed to see 65, let alone reach 84! I am thankful that I am able to walk my dogs around the block. I’m thankful that my hands still work good enough that I can still type. I’m thankful I stayed with my H. I’m thankful for what I have, truly thankful for the first time.