This is what I ended up working on today. I’ve performed this bit before to pretty good reactions, and this is the bit I want to perfect for open mic nights. Enjoy.
Getting old sucks. I mean, it beats the alternative, but it sucks. It’s especially tough on women. The media only lets us see the young, beautiful women. I haven’t seen an old lady on TV since the “where’s the beef” commercial.
I’ll bet most of you are too young to get that joke.
Have you ever seen your grandma in her underwear? I’ve got nothing to arm myself with for my future—unless you’re in medicine most of us are not prepared for the day you look in the mirror and wonder who the hell is looking back at you? And what have they done your birthday suit?
As little girls, we get “the talk.” As adults though, no one prepares you for what you look like, say after you’ve had a kid or two. Eliminating stretch marks is like “male enhancement”… there are some things you just can’t change without an airbrush.
I’ve got crows feet and laugh lines and I’m thinking botox.
My once-perky C’s look like C minuses, and the only reason I wear a bra is to keep my boobs above my belly button.
Friends say, Aw you look great, but now they add those three words: for your age!
My dr tells me to relax, it’s my forgetfulness is from stress, menopause, or a side effect of some medication. I don’t want side effects of medication that I’m going to have to take another medication for.
I realize I’m 50 and 50 is OLD. That’s wrinkled-gray-haired-bifocal-wearing-saggy-assed-pee-when-I-laugh old. There’s just no way to spin that.