I am trying to make changes in my life and having a hard time sticking to them. My two main issues: chocolate, and going places alone after dark.
I have a weakness for chocolate. I also am prone to depression. Chocolate helps. Or it seems to. I have been trying to stop eating sweets and chocolate and have failed miserably. I’m looking for work now and I can’t fit into my old work clothes. I want to lose twenty pounds by January and I can’t stop stuffing my face. This is actually new to me; this total lack of self-control. I used to be very disciplined, but now that I’m older I wonder why I bother. What happened to my self-discipline? If I go to the grocery store, I’ll buy myself a candy bar and eat it before I even get home. I have concluded I do want to lose weight for me. I’ll feel better. I’ll look better. It would improve my overall diet, but there’s a bit part of me that screams “Who Cares?” Why can’t I do it for myself? Don’t I care how I feel and look? Yes, I do, but I guess I like chocolate more.
Exercise is another change. For about 9 days I worked out 1/2 hour every morning-yoga and light weights, I thought I was on a roll. I’m not. I didn’t work out yesterday and this morning I barely did. I seem to lack the motivation to do certain things. I have access to a gym for free, not a great gym, but hey it’s got machines and weights and it’s free. Why don’t I use it? The time to start is now, yet I sit here writing my blog, contemplating a nap.
As for going places alone and in the dark, that has been an issue for me and my H our entire marriage. When I was young I trusted my instincts and I was fine, as far as I felt free to walk around the Navy base in the dark. I grew up in a little village in the Midwest. It was a people-don’t-lock-their-doors type of town. My H educated me of the dangers that lurk in the dark, and I watch TV. I know what happens to women caught unawares in the dark. Ridiculous, right? I never was afraid when I was younger. I went to night school for years. H was more comfortable with that. I had a well-lit destination. But going out to a comedy club that might be located off a dark alley; H is not at all comfortable with that and so I let him talk me out of going places. Plus I am, like most people, uncomfortable going somewhere alone. I only have H and S and both would rather stay home. I know for myself, I should just do it. I love comedy and I love live comedy. What’s more, I want to do live comedy (as opposed to “dead” comedy). Yet I find myself making excuses not to write material, why bother, H will never be comfortable with me driving to unknown places, in the dark, by myself. And I seem to lack the guts to do it.
My last change is to find employment. I am (almost) employed. I accepted the job from the emailer; he sent me an email this morning saying that if I was committed, he would consider me hired. I told him I’d accept for $400 a week. Since he’s in France, I guess I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to know if he’ll go for that. I am going into this very cautiously. There are a lot of things up in the air right now with it, and I hope they’re all cleared up quickly. He indicated he would send me a check along with instructions as to what he needed. I’m not sure how he can email me a check. I thought that he might want my bank account and routing numbers in order to pay me. I’m nervous about releasing that information. I do have a small savings account with my credit union. I could have him deposit there. That way if this is some kind of scam he wouldn’t have access to withdraw any money (who actually has money in their savings?). Seems safer at least. This is the weirdest job yet.
It’s never easy to change. I’m thrilled to be offered a job when I really needed it, even if it’s part-time. I’m hopeful it works out. Perhaps if it works out I will be inspired to actually give up chocolate. I think I’m addicted and will have to quit all chocolate forever, like an alcoholic and alcohol.
No more excuses. No more regrets. That’s my new motto.
How long will this last, I wonder as I eat a handful of mini cookies instead of a banana.
Ok, no more sweets, starting now. Yoga every morning, starting tomorrow. Attend a comedy show, within the next two months. Write something funny, today.