Memory Problems – Have I Done This Rant Before?

I’ve been diligently looking for work.  I’ve even gone out of my field and tried for couple of grocery store positions.  So far I’ve had two offers of employment, both apparently dealing with illicit activities.  I actually reported one of them (since I received money from them) to the FBI.  They have a website to take complaints:  A very quick and easy way to report fraud or attempted fraud.  I guess they’ll get back to me eventually. 

That’s probably going to be my favorite “looking for a job” story.  Other than that I’ve made it to the phone call pre-interview twice.  I’ve applied with two employment agencies.  My biggest problem?  Convincing them I can do the job.  My resume is impressive, but my test scores are embarrassing.  My highest score?  Typing speed of 53 wpm.  I can’t believe it.  In one year my skills have deteriorated almost beyond repair.  How can someone “sell” me, when they don’t believe I can do the job?

I haven’t felt this lousy since I retired and first realized the depth of my disability.  I only wish other people understood it.  It seems like day by day my mind grows more and more empty.  I don’t remember how to do simple things and forget to do many things.  I’m trying to keep it together as we come to our own fiscal cliff; next month will be the first time we’ll miss a mortgage payment.

I’m sad and angry and scared all at the same time.  How do I convince the agency that I can do the job, I just can’t do their tests?  They have to understand that some of the things asked by these automated systems I’ve never been required to do in all my years in office work!  Plus MSWord 2010 is a completely different animal and I only worked with it for a year and that was a year ago.  I’ve forgotten where things are, but it would come back to me.  I think.

H says not to look for work for the next couple of weeks.  That I should just not think about it until after the new year.  He says instead I should concentrate on tutorials for the software.  I know he’s right, but I’m afraid even if I worked with a tutorial, some stuff will still skip my mind.  It’s all Microsoft’s fault!  If they hadn’t completely changed Word in 2010 I wouldn’t be dealing with trying to remember how to do new things.  If I was still working with the prior version of Word I would be fine.  I’d been working with Word since it’s inception back in the 1980s.  I used to know Word inside out.  I knew all the tricks and quick keys.  I was a force to be reckoned with.

Now, I can barely remember how to start Word up, let alone how to use the more advanced functions.  I feel like such a complete failure.  I’m angry again at the government for denying my disability claim.  If I had had a car accident and sustained a brain injury I would be treated much differently than I am.  If it was Alzheimer’s I’d get sympathy.  But instead I have “forgetfulness.”  Every one is forgetful sometimes.  Yes, but how many of them forget numerous things every day?  I don’t forget where my car keys are, I forget where I parked it.  I forget where I put my glasses, until I finally realize I’m already wearing them.  I forget names and appointments, and important dates.  I misspeak, using words that sound similar to the words I really want to say.  I have trouble following discussions or reading a complex news article.  I have trouble writing my novel and remembering my characters’ names.

I was an Executive Assistant to an attorney for six years!  I could type at 75 wpm.  I could run rings around college graduates in their lack of experience and expertise.  Now I have trouble changing a light bulb.  Only because I can’t remember to buy any!  I’m going to have to be brutally honest with the employment agency and explain the severity of my problem and let them help me find a job.  But what kind of job can I do?  I used to qualify as an “expert” in most software.  Today I can’t manage to qualify as a beginner.

My ego is at an all time low.  I need to be employed and secretarial work is all I know.  I’ve considered that I have to step back farther and look for reception work.  Maybe in a year I’ll have my skills back.  Though I know I kid myself.  There is obviously no way I can do the job I’ve been doing.  It’s so hard to admit that it won’t happen.  I won’t get my skills back with practice.  I won’t ever be an Executive Assistant any more.  I’m going to finish out my working years as a ticket taker at a movie theater making minimum wage.  I can’t do that!  I won’t do that!  I’m better than that.  And by that I don’t mean a ticket taker at a theater is a bad job.  It’s a fine j0b, if you’re 16 and are just looking for gas money.  I can’t support a family on minimum wage.  H doesn’t make much and he hopes to retire next year.

Today I have a phone interview with unemployment office.  I hope that at least goes well, though the way I feel today, I think I will get denied, though I know of no logical reason why they should deny me.

5 thoughts on “Memory Problems – Have I Done This Rant Before?

  1. I was wondering where you’ve been but you’ve obviously been looking hard for work…It’s no wonder you’re feeling down…You still have good skills..just slowed down ones..but I understand your frustration with memory…as I have it too. And so often people will say “oh that’s normal happens to everyone” They don’t understand that it’s different for us.

    I can’t really even suggest taking a course to learn the new ‘word’ as I know that would be hard for you.

    What about secretarial work at home…like typing papers for college students or professors for instance..or other types of companies…I don’t know if there’s a market for that anymore or not. I’m just trying to think ‘outside the box’!

    Agencies are big on speed of typing etc. I think you’d have better luck with some smaller office ….again I’m just throwing out things…that you’ve maybe already thought of.

    Don’t be so hard on yourself…you can’t help the fact that you have MS and you have issues that you do with cognitive..memory …and dexterity

    It seems that man that wanted you to work for him via email..turned out to be a gimmick of some sort. That had to be disappointing..

    Something will turn up…my thoughts are with you…Diane

    1. Thanks for the words of encouragement, though they fall on deaf ears today. I am feeling very low at the moment. Wish there was a cane for my head so people would understand what goes on in there.

      I am thinking outside the box as well. I haven’t delved too much into virtual assisting. Maybe there’s an opportunity there.

      Again, thanks for dropping by with your invaluable two cents. I truly appreciate it.


  2. Oh how I feel for you – it must be so bloody frustrating. Like you say, maybe just be brutally honest with the employment agency. Diane’s suggestion sounds good but I can see that today you will just have to wait until your mind clears. Love to you Linda – Julie

    1. Thanks for the support. I spent all day yesterday in bed, depressed and feeling sorry for myself. I feel a bit better today, but still feeling defeated.

      I appreciate so much that you took the time to comment.


  3. Cheer up my friend, something will turn up sooner or later.
    We all go through the pits in life but when you least expect something will happen.
    Hang in there Princess.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s