Trying a Little Optimism

I wish I could say I was optimistic about this year, but I’m not.  It seems life is falling apart all around me: my unemployment dilemma, my mom-in-law, my son.  My son is having a terrible time with his grandad’s death.  Not a terrible time, he just doesn’t want to feel the pain, so is turning to online prescriptions of Xanax and the like.  I’m very worried about him, and am terrified that if we do lose the house and have to move, he will feel even worse.  Rent is expensive in this area, but we wouldn’t want to have to change grandson’s schools.

I am sorry now we bought a house just 5 years ago.  It would be much cheaper to rent.  I’m hopeful that mom has some money in her bank account to help us, but I doubt she has very much, maybe be able to make a couple more mortgage payments.  I am trying to resign myself to the reality of losing the house.  I can’t see a way out at this point.  We could trying selling, but in California the seller is responsible for many of the costs involved in making a sale.  We couldn’t hope to make a dime in selling it.  It hurts and I am having a tough time of it, but I’m trying hard today.  I need to keep it together for son and grandson.

I hate all this so much.  I’m sorry I quit my job last year, but I knew I couldn’t keep it.  I will try another employment agency, maybe just be upfront and ask for their help.  I also will make an appointment with a DI lawyer and see what they say about my future.  I completed my appeals forms, now I just need to see a lawyer to see if I actually have a winnable case.  I have the evidence of my poor performance of pre-employment tests on the computer.  My comprehension of MSWord and Excel is less than 50%.  My typing speed has decreased almost 50%.  I can barely manage 50 wpm now, mostly because of all the spelling errors.  I used to be able to spell anything.  I could even figure out how a word I’ve never known was spelled.  Now I can hardly remember how to spell my own name.

Meanwhile, I continue to put my resume out, but I feel like I’m misrepresenting myself.  I don’t know how to change my resume.  I suppose I could ignore my resume and go in like I have no experience, but that doesn’t seem fair to me.  I’ve always believed in honesty and find it hard to do anything else.  How do I get experience in a new field?  Someone suggested I contact a local MS chapter and see if they could help.  I will be calling them next week.

11 thoughts on “Trying a Little Optimism

  1. Linda ..You have so many issues and my heart just goes out to you…I only wish I had some answers…I know that’s not the reason for blogging..but to just write what you’re feeling.

    In Canada we have places to go that can help sort out this kind of situation you’re in….but of course the States is different…I think I mentioned once that our govt. representative for our area that we live in is often a good place to start if we run into bureaucracy even within the gov’t. but I believe you said it’s not the same in the U.S.

    Perhaps the M.S. Soc. will have some suggestions for you…I really hope so..but if they don’t maybe they can direct you elsewhere….Thoughts are with you ..Diane

    1. I hope to find some help with my local MS group. They also have an online and telephone support groups. I’ve never found them particularly helpful, but it’s been a while and my situation has changed. Maybe I should check them out again. God knows I need a little support.

      Thanks, Diane, for all your kind words and concern. I won’t give up yet.

      1. When you really think about it …it must be a problem that others face with the ‘invisible’ M.S. like you and maybe they will have some suggestions….’hope so’..Diane

  2. Is ti an effect of MS causing the computer problems or just a bit rusty form not using it in a while? Here there are free courses, maybe they have this near you? Or there are online free tutorials you can search for.

    Hoping things improve soon, could you turn your son onto blogging? Hope none of my suggestions sound simple, I just find the network of support here amazing and helps to focus on things to get stuff down.

    1. Yes, the MS causes most of my memory problems, that and the Rx I take. I have tried some of the online tutorials, but they are written for someone doing the most basic things, not really the things tested for. I have to keep looking for one that will help me. I’ve also tried Lumosity a few times. I did their games for more than a year and my memory never improved.

      I always encourage Son to write, a journal, a blog, something to get things out of his head, and connect with other people. So far he’s refused. He is a tough kid and been through a lot, he has lost his self respect and doesn’t see a way to improve his life. Being unable to help him breaks my heart. At least today he feels a bit better and that’s something.

      Thank you for your suggestions. If not always helpful, they are always greatly appreciated. Thanks for stopping by for a read.

  3. Sounds like you are being overwhelmed with so many issues, I do think its time to ask for help and to prioritise the issues and deal with them one at a time.
    I do feel sorry for your son and you have every right to worry about him, we each cope with grief in our own way,prescription drugs are only a short term cover, he may need councelling as some time.
    I wish you much happiness and hope serenity comes into your life.

  4. Sorry to hear about that. I think reaching out and going to places like MS chapters can always help. One of my core beliefs is there are always good opportunities out there somewhere, it’s just a matter of reaching out, finding the right people, and finding the opportunities. Good luck!

    P.S. Don’t forget that you are the only person in history to win a Stamford Raffles award. That has to count for something!

    1. Thanks loads. I do have that Stamford Raffles Award, don’t I. If only I could figure out how to post it to my page I will never forget it. It will cheer me up in the future.

      I’ve yet to actually get in touch any other MSers, but I’m trying to find a group near me, and I’m not much of a joiner (as in live people meeting joiner). Finally feeling a little motivated today and actually got a lot done. Time to catch up on things.

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