The weather here is beautiful. Yesterday it was 76 degrees. In February. I love it. The robins have returned already and we’ve got wild flowers blooming. I don’t remember an earlier spring. Sure it won’t stay like this for long, we’ll still get some cold weather and cold rains.
My moods have been like the weather lately. I was in a beautiful mood yesterday. I was feeling very up despite my situation. I decided that it was the day I would go to the social security office to file my appeal because it is past the date. I spoke to the lawyer again and I told her I was filing my appeal. She looked at the papers and told me the date had passed. I explained that you can’t go by the date of the letter, because I didn’t receive the letter until January. The letter was dated November 2012. Anyway, I had to file in person, so I looked up the address on mapquest.com and took off. I could not find the office!
I came home and started just falling apart. Such a little thing, right. Except it’s not just the appeal, it’s trying to transfer mom’s car to Son’s ex when her name isn’t on the title, and still waiting for death certificates, and papers from the bank about the mortgage I’ve barely looked at. I just lost it and let it all overwhelm me.
I waste a lot of my life freaking out, feeling overwhelmed and I am tired of it. Sick and tired. Why can’t I control myself? I seem to be finding all these hidden flaws in my character. I thought I knew who I was, but I don’t anymore. Is this my midlife crisis still going on? Does it ever end? I feel crazy sometimes and I just hate my life. I suppose that’s why I fantasize about moving to Spain.
I know I have control of my life–at least as much as any one–and I can make changes. I’m finding that making changes is really tough. I lack the motivation (most days) of doing much. Some days all I do is read blogs and wash dishes. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want more out of my life, but don’t know how.
How to chase my dreams? The bottom line, I don’t want to hustle the way a new comic does. Doing open mics wherever I could? It’s just not my scene, or at least it never has been. Being in loud bars and joints in less than ideal locations. All that driving, especially a lot of night driving.
So I’ve abandoned that dream, contentedly, though with regret, but pleased that I at least tried, and in ways achieved what I wanted. I just don’t want it now bad enough. And when I should have done it in my 20s, I was too busy working, and raising a son, and theoretically, learning.
Sometimes I think I’ve got the answer, but I’m always sure I’m wrong.
As for other dreams? I’ve always wanted to leave something behind. Something noteworthy of 15 minutes of fame, a blurb in a newspaper. I’ve done some things, but they don’t feel big enough. Sure I have magazines in the national library in Washington DC. I should be proud of that, but I don’t think it’s much.
I guess I always felt I was “one of the kids” growing up. I never shined academically, or athletically. I’ve always felt very mediocre, and ordinary. I honestly do not understand why my husband loves me. I’m a lousy friend, anti social, self absorbed and sometimes bitchy. I suppose it’s all got to do with my upbringing. I need to make peace, but I thought I already did? I don’t want to go back into therapy, mostly because I believe you can get addicted and never able to extricate yourself from your demons.
It’s time to read the Dalai Lama, and try to meditate.
It’s either give up or go on. As much as I want to give up, I can’t.