Sometimes I Just Want to Give Up


The most annoying drug is whatever my son has been taking.  He gets annoying, in that if he’s apparently taken too much and is asleep on his feet and will not stop or go to bed.  He wanders the house like a ghost, and mumbles and forgets what day it is. 

He’s taken it before, and was catatonic because he’d taken too much.  Of course, we freaked out and called 911 and landed in the ER where they barely looked at him, and the doctor was in his presence less than 1 minute.  Virtually no tests were run.  He was labeled a drug seeker and sent home.

He’s still been taking whatever it is and tonight he’s nearly catatonic.  He’s actually falling asleep on his feet and will not go to bed.  Every time I wake him up to put him to bed he says he’s just exhausted, and to please leave him alone, he was fine.  He said it’s his job to give up sleeping.  He gets angry and says people should just let him be, but he’s practically on the floor, he can’t speak and will soon just pass out, probably in the bathroom, where he’s been hiding since the last time I woke him, about 5 minutes ago.

Husband, of course is furious.  Mom is frightened and I am at my wits end.  I know why he uses this drug, but he always pushes it past the limit.  I’m afraid for him and wish he would stop, but he claims it’s the only thing that helps him stay even.  But he also adds high doses of Valerian and other relaxative herbs.  Unfortunately, he only thinks it helps him, because he doesn’t see what we see.  He thinks he’s talking to you, but he’s not making a sound, or mumbling. At 11:00 am today he looked up and asked where husband was.  Thing is, it was 11:00 am, and Thursday.  Husband was at work, why?  I thought he was back already.

I’m afraid for him.  I’m terrified thinking about the next big argument.  Husband has wanted to kick son out for years because of his drug use.  I’m the one that enables him, but I don’t know what else to do.  I want to let him use this drug but to be more careful, but I know he won’t manage that.  I can’t stick him in a rehab facility; he’d never do it.  What options do I have?  There is no relative he could stay with, unless he stayed with his ex’s family.  What about grandson?

Sometimes I absolutely hate my life.  I don’t want to go to my bedroom and discuss this with husband right now.  I just want to hide from it all and say “I give up”!

21 thoughts on “Sometimes I Just Want to Give Up

  1. Is he home all day? Any way you could get into his stash and hide it or throw it out? I know that sounds harsh, but it sounds like he is slowly killing himself and completely poisoning the peace of the house. He needs rehab, but how to pay for it… I think you need to speak with someone who has gone through this same situation. Big hugs because I think you truly need one!

    1. Thank you for the thoughts of hugs. I really feel them. As I’ve mentioned, he is trying to self medicate and doesn’t really know what he should take or how much, or if it will badly interact with another drug or herb he’s taking.

      He has thrown away the rest of the stuff he took, but he makes no guarantee he won’t try something else. Aside from yesterday, he’s been in a fabulous and upbeat mood, not easily upset. Completely different than how he can normally be: morose, miserable, and tired.

      Rehab, doctors, prescription drugs, are all out of reach and we can’t get him declared disabled, because we can’t afford tests to prove his physical and mental disabilities. He’s applied for Medicare and was denied.

      Sort of out of options here, but thanks for the comment. It did make me consider rehab again. And it’s still a thought in the back of my mind. Again it’s the cost and limited availability.

      1. That’s good that he threw that stuff out! What do you think caused him to be in a good mood? Do you think it’s because he wasn’t taking it anymore?
        Have you thought about asking for legal help ? Maybe a call to the Legal Aid Society would give you some new avenues to pursue.
        Hope things get better! I know I’m always saying that, but I do.

      2. No, he was in a good mood before he took too much of the stuff (in conjunction with some other herbs) on top of his week long bout with insomnia.

        Never thought about a legal aid, maybe it’s worth looking into.

      3. Might he even been sleepwalking, if he took too much?

        Yeah, Legal Aid Soc. people will probably be able to better direct you to what you need. I think it’s worth a try. You need people in your corner. It can’t all be just on you – way too stressful for one person.

    1. Yeah, he tried AA, but it concentrated way too much in the bible for his taste. Though I appreciate the comment, and something I might not have considered, if he hadn’t already had a taste of AA.

      The thing is, he quit doing street drugs and drinking nearly six years ago. It was tough, and he slipped twice, but he did it on his own. Separated from the wrong crowd, quitting his band. Everything. So I know this using is different. He is trying to even out his mood swings and anxiety on his own. I’m certain he is not alone in that.

    1. Ideally he would live somewhere else, with his son. Unfortunately, I can’t kick him out onto the streets. He really is just trying to medicate for his bipolar, and not just a drug abuser. Not being a doctor, he is making mistakes. Fortunately nothing horrific–yet. Could you kick Ming out knowing he had no where to go? Truly a horrible decision to have to consider.

      He feels terrible about it today, and has apologized many times. I still see signs of the drug in him–he can’t concentrate on a conversation and is giving inappropriate answers. I hope it is a temporary effect!

      Thanks for your amazing support!

  2. You maybe don’t have a movie camera..but it would be a suggestion to somehow tape him and show him just what he IS like when he takes the meds….Maybe if you don’t you could borrow one…?? Just a thought

    I think that mothers are more prone to take this kind of thing and hope that somehow things will get better…we don’t want to seem like we’re giving up on our ‘child’ even though they are adults…and maybe that makes us enablers…but it’s how we’re wired I guess….Diane

    1. Thanks, Diane for your comment. I might try to video him. That’s a good idea. He’s doing much better today, and has apologized profusely. In fact he won’t stop apologizing. He’s still real antsy and can’t sit down. He keeps wandering around looking for something to do. He’s still very confused too, and that worries me. I hope that clears up and it’s not permanent.

      I appreciate your empathy of my feelings about my son. It takes another mother to understand.

    1. Son is 30, and the drug is not technically illegal, but it is not a prescription drug either. But he’s unemployed and uninsured with bi polar disorder. He’s self medicating. So he doesn’t know the dosage, or contraindications with other herbs he takes.

  3. I have heard it said that when you are too depressed to stand up, just roll over so you can look at the stars. My thinking is that by doing this…. you don’t drown in your tears and the heavens will remind you that you are not alone. The Creator of the universe is powerful and will help in such times.

  4. when i was doing family therapy i had a young teen who said her mother was an alcoholic and of course the mother denied it. one session the daughter surprised us with a video. mother went into treatment within one week.

    you know that you are an enabler but say what can you do? you can stop being an enabler.. this is not good for him, you are not helping him at all. i know your intentions are from your heart and it is hard to say that your intentions are misguided. i am sorry if this is not what you want to hear. actually i know it isn’t and i want you to know i am not judging you. mother’s are always in a bind sort of a damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

    this is the time you really need to take care of yourself. son is going to keep doing this, until like my best friend (who is bi-polar), people stop the madness and let the person face the consequences of their behavior. she was angry with all of us for about 6 mos. but is getting her life together and knows she has to take responsibility for her illness/behavior.

    wishing you peace of heart

  5. This is such a difficult problem to solve. I don’t have any advice for you only sympathy. I was married to an alcoholic, I sought help, I learnt about tough love, I wasn’t tough enough to employ it.

  6. You COULD give up…and no one could blame you. But, selfishly, I pray you DON’T give up. I could talk about all your friends and family who need you and would be crushed by their burdens without you in their lives to help carry them. But I’ll just make my reply very personal and ask, “If you gave up, who would fib and say my posts are wonderful, who would say my silly jokes could be worked into a standup comedy routine, who would stick with me thru all my posts on crossdressing and never the hint of a judgmental spirit, who would appreciate my weakest poems and think them golden, and finally…who would wipe the tears from ALL our eyes if there were not a YOU?

    We DO love and care for you. You haven’t given up on us…please don’t give up on you. ((((BIG Hug))))

    Warmest Love and Affection,

    Randa

    1. Randa, as usual, I love you! I really appreciate the kind words of encouragement, and I really need that lately. I have been lower than I’ve been in probably 5 years and I am having trouble digging out. Your high praise of me, while undeserved, is overwhelming.

      Linda

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