How did this happen? How could I have been so blind? So stupid. So gullible. Swallowing his lies until today, when he got sloppy and the lie he told was easy for me to disprove. This is what has been tearing at the family. He can’t even take prescription meds properly. Husband and I decided we will have push rehab on him. He can no longer handle his addictions and it has to stop. Son has admitted that he needs help. Part of him wants to change. But it’s 8:00 am and he’s already six kinds of high.
I’m sure I’ll get through this, families do. I’m sure he’ll agree to get help, but he’s putting limits: no inpatient and no group therapy. He sounds like every other addict. I can’t believe I’ve supported him all this time, only to allow him to get this bad?
I know I shouldn’t be blaming myself, but how do you not? Why was I blind to his behavior? Why did I not call him out on it when I knew he was high? How did I not know he’d taken LSD by the time he was 12! He tells me about his drug use so I think he’s being honest with me. He’s only telling me part of the story. How could I have let this go on? (feel free to stop me any time).
Today I’m going to call the Edelman Clinic my doctor told me about. It’s a free clinic, so Son is sure to drag his feet. We want him to admit himself to an inpatient rehab, but I’m afraid he will balk at that. Last night I emailed him several phone numbers for various mental health centers. I will call some of them myself, but I know S has to make the call. He has admitted to having a problem and thinks he is still in control. Now I’m afraid to go to work, he’s liable to hurt someone if he were to drive, as high as he is right now.
I am experiencing the things all of us realize when our whole world changes in an instant. The “this can’t be happening” feeling. The “I never thought it would happen to me/us” syndrome. But I thought I did know that shit happens, and in this family it’s usually bad shit.
I’ve got lots to do, including writing S a check so his bank account is solvent. Shaking my head in disbelief. Part of me wants to run and hide. Part of me wants my mother. And there’s the other part of me that just wants to fall apart.
I knew it was going to be a tough year, I just never thought it could get this tough!