Today


So, Son has admitted to a drug problem and is quitting–cold turkey.  This could be really hard for him depending on how long he had been using.  He’s been sleepless for several nights, sweating, chilled, vomiting, nauseous, irritable, moody, angry, and just a delight to be around.  Husband and I are doing our best with him.  He had been denying that his current state of constant vomiting was related to his drug use, but I talked with him today.  I’ve done my research on withdrawals, and withdrawal cold turkey from the drugs he was taking can be very difficult.

Haven’t convinced him that he should be in a detox clinic.  He wants to do this on his own.  He did it before and can do it again.  If so, I’m hoping this time it will be permanent.  I see now how not being completely drug-free has been adding to his growing problem.  When I asked him how long he had been on “benzos” as they are referred to, he said he didn’t know, but probably too long.  I let him know that he could continue to feel this ill for several more days, depending on his usage.  I hope at least he gets a few days break from the vomiting.  He can take an OTC pain reliever for his aches, but should not take anything else. 

Of course, he has been depressed.  Very badly depressed and I am so happy he found a free clinic where he can talk to a psychologist.  I just have to hope he feels it is beneficial and continues to see the doc.

Now that I know where this free clinic is, and how (relatively) nice the offices are, I’d like to encourage Son to take his son with him.  Maybe they can work out their problems together.  We have got to get grandson on track before he hits 5th grade.  His grades are low, he doesn’t try, I think he’s mildly dyslexic, and may even have the math form of dyslexia (forget what it’s called, but it exists).  He is certainly unhappy a good share of the time, very disruptive, disobedient, ornery, and just plain contrary.

Grandson spent the last week with his Mom and his cousin D.  D comes from an extremely dysfunctional family.  His oldest brother lives with their mom–he’s just been released from Juvenile Detention, the other brother lives with their step-dad.  And now D has come to live permanently with his aunt (Son’s Ex).  All of these boys have bad attitudes, where they know everything and disobey constantly, and do poorly in school.  I think one at least has ADD, and D, who is close to my Grandson has problems due to his homosexuality.  Although he is only 11(?), we’re pretty sure he is gay, but I don’t know where he is at with it, if he’s fully aware, confused, frightened or what, but he’s definitely got some issues.  For him to be living at Ex’s life is going to get even tougher.  The past week with both kids Ex has been going crazy, there’s lots of fighting, and endless arguments (just like when GS is here).
I had a great phone interview this past week and should receive a call to schedule an in-person interview, but have not heard back.  The employer certainly led me to believe I’d be called.  I’m hoping to get the call next week.  Though being home right now as Son detoxes it’s probably just as well I’m not working.
Oh dear, GS is home from his mom’s and the voices have already been raised, arguments just seem to flow from this kid.  At least he has a ball game to go to.  Currently I cannot stand to talk with him.  Everything is an argument, or he interrupts.  Maybe some physical exercise will help calm him down.  If he would just shut up and listen to people, everyone would be better off.  I just hope I can hold it together. 
Still think about leaving the family.  My life would be emptier, but easier.  Is it what I want?  I don’t think so.  Would it be good for me?  Maybe.  I know suicide or just disappearing would devastate all of them and give Son tacit permission to do the same.  I’m still hiding in my room.  I feel a bit more sane, but anxious about next week.  Son detoxing, grandson returning to school after ten days off, and Mom hovering–why can’t I handle it?  I used to think I was so strong, getting through husband’s affair of two years and being diagnosed with MS.  I thought I could handle anything.  Apparently I was wrong.  I hate it that I keep finding things out about myself that I don’t like.  I’ve been working on turning 50 for about 5 years now.  You’d think I’d’ve gotten to acceptance by now.  I find I’m still working on liking myself.  Have’nt gotten to loving myself as yet.  Maybe I’ll get there by the time I’m 60.

10 thoughts on “Today

  1. Oh! All the complications, twists, and turns in your path. But how wonderfully you have logically and completely summarized it all. I could NOT possibly have so analytically written such a compelling thumbnail sketch. Excellent. Hope that fone call for the scheduling of your interview comes soon. Best luck! And our best wishes always. Hang tough, Hon! –R–

  2. Been thinking about how things were going.. I guess it’s going to be tough if gs sees this cousin more often now he’s living with the ex. Maybe when your S. gets feeling stronger he can have some influence on the bad behavior going on.. It’s gotta be pretty hard trying to detox by himself… Hope the side effects start to lessen soon.

    It sounds promising about the interview…hope things progress positively. How did last Thursday’s meeting with bank go?

    I can really understand why you have thoughts about ‘running away’. Is there anywhere you could go even for a week to get a break from the pace and the stress around the home right now? Like a friend’s place or somewhere… I’m a little too far away…lol

    Anyway…always here for someone to vent to …you know that….Diane

    1. The bank meeting went pretty well. I understand more how they work and today I sent them a bunch of paperwork they asked for. Got my fingers crossed we get to keep the house. I don’t need the stress of moving right now.

      And venting is about all I do any more. I hate my life and the direction it has taken. I am trying to change things, and all these block my way.

      Appreciate the support. I will try to imagine being on vacation alone, if only for a day. I’m thinking a day at the beach alone. The ocean is so soothing.

      1. Being in the presence of ‘water’ …it’s sounds, looks, is so peaceful for me also…I don’t have an ocean but lakes and rivers …I just love it….Maybe you could do that ..take a book and just revel in the peace and quiet..Do it every week when you can… I know you are just worn out and need some respite…take care Diane

  3. It is a huge load you carry – your family is so lucky to have you but oh how I wish you could get a break. I hope you know how much I care, not that it’s any help – hang in there, my friend.

    1. I’m hanging on, but from one day to the next I never know what’s going to happen. We’ve got some confusion regarding the car Mom gave to Son’s Ex. The DMV is saying all the paperwork needs to be done over, that it was done wrong (even though the forms were filled out at the DMV!) Argh! I need a vacation. I will plan a trip to the beach by myself. That would be lovely.

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