Well, I’ve had a few interviews and the biggest thing I learned is that only one pair of slacks currently fit! Yikes, I knew I had gained weight, I could see it, but I didn’t realize I was continuing to gain! When you’re poor though, you do what you have to: diet and exercise until your pants fit…can’t afford to buy new clothes right now. My interview yesterday seemed to go well, but I didn’t get the job. I didn’t really want this particular job, but I’m willing to take what is offered at this point. Even a temp job.
I saw my neurologist last week and basically begged her to give me a letter releasing me from disability, but I haven’t received a letter from her yet. She said as soon as she had my final ok (which I gave her last Thursday) she’d have the letter turned around in 24 hours. Just got today’s mail, and it’s not there. CRAP! My house is moments from foreclosure, and I’m about to start missing credit cards and my HOA payments unless I am able to collect unemployment (or a job) immediately.
Sometimes I truly hate my life, though I realize where I am right now is because of decisions I made along the way. Wrong decisions it seems. Like feeling I had to retire in 2011, and truly believing I was severely disabled. Stupid. Stupid decisions it seems now. But how do you make the right decisions when you are trying to live in the moment and let the future take care of itself? Not that I was always living in the Now, but I did when I was younger. I think all young people live in the Now.
When did my decisions go wrong? Should I have married later? Married someone else? Not had children? Should I have divorced 5 years ago? Should I divorce now? I can’t see myself with anyone else, so that seems like a no. But there are definitely moments where I think I should. I don’t just want to divorce my husband, but my entire family. Maybe I’m just cold-hearted. Maybe I expect too much from them. I try not to expect anything, but unfortunately, that’s usually what I get…nothing.
Still, the depression is finally lifting–I hope permanently. Depression is so draining, sucking the joy out of the day. The sun is dim even on the brightest summer day. Colors muted. People ugly and unfriendly. Life feels like a battle. But lately I’ve had a little energy, and some motivation. I’ve been exercising more regularly for the last two weeks, and getting better with sticking to it. I feel pretty optimistic, though realistic enough to realize I am still in deep doo-doo financially and it’s going to take years to recover from this latest blunder.
Mom went to visit friends for the weekend, and boy was that nice! I think I figured out why it has been so hard since she moved in…she’s another one that needs things from me, and gives nothing in return. She’s always nice and considerate if she needs me to take her somewhere, but often she asks at inopportune times. Like asking me to take her to the back last Thursday, as I was on my way out the door to the doctor, which is an hour and half away. I don’t schedule anything else when I see my neuro…the trip to and from her office is draining. I left the house at 9:30 a.m. for a 10:50 appointment, arriving at 10:40. I didn’t see the doctor until 11:45. Another hour home, except today there’s an accident, so my drive took 2 hours. I finally got home around 2:00p.m. She practically met me at the door with her purse in hand, expecting I’d jump right back in my car and take her to the bank. She wanted money for her weekend with her friends. She couldn’t wait until Friday? She wasn’t going anywhere until Saturday afternoon. Thankfully, Son took her to the bank for me. I constantly tell myself “she’s three years old” because she acts like a child, expecting everyone to do for her things she should be able to do herself. I know it’s because apparently her husband catered to her, but she’s got to realize I won’t, and shouldn’t have to, that I have lots of responsibilities.
That’s the stuff that eats me…no one seems to consider my feelings. Husband does the dishes one night a month, and expects me to thank him for doing it. I vacuum, clean the bathrooms, take out the trash and recycling, run errands, make appointments, tend to the banking, and no one says thanks to me. Is it like this in every household? Do I expect too much? It doesn’t seem like much to ask for, a little consideration for me and my needs? I feel like my needs and desires are ignored. I’ve been trying to become more forceful and more vocal about my displeasure, but that just seems to disrupt the household. Husband likes to ask me what’s wrong, but if I tell him, it still doesn’t change, so why go through the motions, right?
OK, that’s my Me rant for today. It’s all out, and time for me to do things. I’ve got to fax more paperwork to the bank, and pick up some prescriptions, then stop at the grocery for a few things (which usually turns into $80 worth of a “few things”). Maybe being outside will cheer me up. Maybe I will find a suitcase full of money? My luck I’d bend over to pick it up and get hit by a truck. (LOL)
Still trying to catch up on my reading. Thanks for sticking with me.