Things have begun to improve. For one, I am approved to receive unemployment benefits while I look for work! Yay! Some income!! For another, I have started to remove myself from the room when my family begins to argue. It’s odd that I never noticed until recently, that every conversation in my house is generally a debate. Husband says the sky is blue as ice, and Son will explain how it’s not really blue as ice, as ice merely reflects the sky….Almost all conversations are like this. An argument where both want to be right. Throw grandson in the mix–he’s a compulsive liar (I truly love him, though). I never knew there was such a thing, but everything from him is a story. Usually a fantastical one where he lands on Mars as some sort of hero. He just doesn’t seem to have a grasp of what is true and what is not.
So I’ve been spending a lot less time with my family, which has oddly, displaced a lot of my stress and anxiety. I try to provide a little more emotional distance between my moods and the moods of the rest of my family (bi-polar drug addict son; narcissistic husband, and ADHD grandson). Sometimes that makes me very sad. I have to wonder, do I need them as much as they need me? Is spending most of my time away from my family good for us as a unit? But why should I spend time with them, when all they do is argue if a movie came out in 1970 or 1980. No one really talks to me; more they talk AT me. The only real conversations I have are with my shrink. Now how can that not make you sad?
I’d love for things to be different. I fantasize about running away. Maybe just for a few months. Maybe show them what life would be like without me. Maybe I’d be a bit more appreciated when I came back. Of course I know they love me, and I them. But there are times I wonder is this all there is to life? Should I demand more? Should I continue to practice the art of acceptance?
It’s moment to moment, but the content moments are becoming more frequent. I think there is acceptance in my future. Maybe I’ll be there by the time I’m 60?