At least for now things have stabilized to some sort of livability and the past few days have been pretty calm. Still fighting depression, which depresses me some days. But what are you going to do, right? “It is what it is.” (People may think it’s an overused cliche, I find the quote very zen.)
I’ve been trying to be more understanding of Mom, and less concerned about my own comfort. It’s not hard to sit in silence on the deck for a half an hour. I have nothing that vital to do that I can’t, so we spend more time together, if quietly. I hope she enjoys it. I know her friends can’t deal with the silence and fill it with lots of babble and Mom is used to that. But I can’t sit and babble on incessantly to someone who has no reaction. So we sit in communal solitude.
The change after removing myself from between GS and S has been a surprise. They are getting along much better now. In fact I don’t think there’s been a big fight all week. I’m so sorry that I must have added to the problem. Staying in my room seems to make things run more smoothly. I’m all for that.
I’ve redoubled my efforts to take better care of myself, at least this week. It really sort of hit
me the other day when I reviewed what I had eaten: bagel (heavy on the cream cheese), and all fruit berry popsicle. For lunch: another popsicle (this time pineapple), poptart. Dinner tops it all: numerous chocolates. That’s horrifying, isn’t it? Who eats like that? I mean besides me. Sometimes I think it’s an eating disorder, then I realize: Yes, of course it’s an eating disorder. No one should normally eat this way. You should eat three servings of fruit/veggies a day. I don’t count my fruits and veggies by the day, but by the week.
So I swore off sweets. Completely. For me it’s an all or nothing deal, I think if I had a bite of chocolate, I’d be back at it, just like an addict. I decided I just won’t do that to myself any more. It’s not been easy, and it’s only been a few days. I know the first few weeks are always the toughest, and I think I’m up for it.
I’ve also been trying to exercise more faithfully. Considering the gift I give myself by being healthy, you’d think it was easy. Again, of course, it’s not. But if my son can quit drinking and smoking and drugs at one time (And he did, at least, for 4 years, but that’s another story.), I should be able to resist the urge to abuse sweets. I’ve increased my walking, going up the steep hill in the neighborhood, and adding more blocks to my walk. I try to keep a good pace, but the way back home is always slower.
I also want to try and de-clutter my life, but I’m having trouble figuring out exactly what to get rid of. Sure I can dispose of old clothes that I hope to fit into again one day, and jewelry I never wear. I can rid us of some books and dump a whole bucket load of CDs. But I don’t feel that will make me feel less cluttered. I’d like to get rid of some furniture (and not just put on the porch for the dogs to lay on). The problem is husband is not to keen on getting rid of anything. Books and CDs, ok, but nothing else. He won’t get rid of any clothes, “I don’t have that much,” he tells me, while we both know he has two storage bins full of T-shirts he doesn’t wear. “That’s because I want to keep them in good shape.” Why I don’t know. I buy clothes to wear, not collect. Still, after cleaning his Mom’s apartment, I see where he gets it.
So where do I find stillness and contentment? Inside myself, of course. How do I attain stillness and contentment? By not wanting. Sort of a pessimistic outlook. I won’t want anything and then if anything does come my way it will be so much more precious. Go through life expecting nothing. It does work. I’m much more happy when I don’t dwell on the things I want (like a job, a house). How do we differentiate the things we need with the things we want? I really need to have people in my family listen to me. They cut me off mid-sentence, including Mom. It sure makes me feel invisible. They don’t even know they do it. Every time I point it out, I get apologies, when what I want is for them not to do that any more. Stop interrupting me, correcting me, instructing me, shushing me.
OK this thought line is upsetting me, so I’ll stop here.