I just had a “conversation” with S, any time he paused and I opened my mouth, only to have him jabber on without regard for my half, thereby fulfilling the definition of “conversation.” I don’t get angry. It makes me so sad. I feel like I’m a lousy mom that I didn’t teach him better. I want to yell at him, “let me say something,” but he’s already finished talking and left the room. I feel so unwanted, it’s really making my life difficult.
I’ve discussed this to some degree with H, and all he can do is apologize. I don’t want an effing apology, I want him to change. It’s nearly impossible to repair our communication without his help. I mostly don’t bring up the subject with either S or H, because they will just argue that I am wrong, and add that they were sorry.
They don’t understand it’s a cumulative thing.
Every test or quiz I’ve taken in the last 30 years, from various internet sources, and magazines. Me and H flunked every one of them. Flunking indicates those couples with poor communication skills are doomed to divorce. I’d really love to prove them wrong.
I’m to the point where it’s a daily struggle with my mood. My morning started out beautifully, posted a new blog, read a few blogs, cleaned the fridge (ewww). I felt good and had some motivation. Then I had to have a conversation with S, and my mood was shot to hell.
So here I am typing through my tears, angry with myself for allowing myself to be this miserable. I hate feeling so stuck. How can I leave when we can’t afford one place? Who will I depend on? S and H don’t ignore me on purpose, but they do it always, and now I find Mom does it too. That’s my last straw.
I remember that calm place on grandma’s sun porch ca 1970, and try to go there while I fold and put away all the laundry I just finished. Moments like these I feel more like the housekeeper than wife and mother.
Just give me a minute and I’ll be ok. I don’t want to give in to the tears.