Falling Apart

I used to think I was tough.  I saw husband through 3 years of panic attacks, saw son through drug and alcohol addiction.  Lost a house, a car, and had to file bankruptcy before, and likely will have to do again.  I’ve been through husband’s 3 year affair and come out the other side.  I know I will come out of whatever it is I’m currently going through.  The only questions are when and how long can I hold out. 

All you can do is all you can do.  I try not to lay blame on those around me for the way I feel, except lately I can’t seem to separate the two.  All I can control is myself.  While my family apparently has no trouble doing what they want, when they want, and how they want, I can’t.  Maybe it’s conditioning growing up when I did.  But I recall so much about the Women’s Movement of the 60s-70s.  I remember my mom decided when my youngest sister entered high school that she wanted to go to work.  My folks must’ve fought for literally weeks.  Despite my dad’s protestations, Mom got a job and kept it for many years.  Though I found out years later Mom really hated that job and only kept it to spite my dad, though I think  the job grew on her after a while.

I learned very late that my life was very similar to my mother’s. That’s hard to accept; that I am still feeling like a 1960s housewife, begging for my husband’s permission to do something constructive with my life, outside of raising kids. I still find it very difficult to accept that husband has many of the same (unfortunate) traits as my dad.  I suppose it’s natural, but is it right?  Should I have married someone who reminded me of my dad and ended up helping me to become my mother?  I hated that my mom was weak, that she almost never stood up to my dad.  I understand her a little better now.  Not that it makes a difference, we still don’t talk and won’t.

How did I let my life slip into such a state?  I am embarrassed and ashamed of my dire financial straights, and the fact that I am the cause of all the suffering.  I am trying to stand up to my husband on things I feel are important, but he doesn’t understand any need to change.  His way has always worked in the past (oh, really.  What about the bankruptcy?)  I am embarrassed by my family’s lack of drive and I’m afraid after all these years, I have very little drive left.

So I need to find some drive.  Find a way to get a fire going under the family.  Or just accept them for who they are and leave done.  All in all, despite a rocky start this morning, it’s turned out to be an OK day.  I even feel upbeat at the moment.

4 thoughts on “Falling Apart

  1. try thinking how it would be for you to be on your own. would it be better for you than what you are going through now? i wish i could give some words to move you to action. whether that be accepting your family for who they are or leaving and creating a new life for yourself.

    you have so much strength and i am in awe of your perseverance.

    1. Yes, I am thinking very much about would I be better off alone. The jury’s still out on that. I had a major cry yesterday, feeling sorry for myself and mourning all the things that are past in my life. I felt much better after, and the rest of the day passed much more pleasantly than some lately.

    1. I appreciate your comment. I have been trying to figure out if I’d be better off alone. It’s a daunting prospect.

      Thanks for the love. I can always use more of that.

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