Happiness eludes me these past couple of days. Dealing with S for three solid days while he has been out of his head. Then last night he starts accusing us of never listening, not understanding him. I totally lost it. I screamed at him that I had done nothing but listen to him whine about his awful life for three solid non-stop days! I guess last night I reached a tipping point and ran away from home for an hour or so. It was really hard to come back home. I truly did not want to return.
Today I am depressed. I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I have barely stopped crying in that time. Son is sleeping and husband took his mom out for coffee. Here I sit in the quiet and cry. For no other reason than a broken heart. I think I realized how little influence I have over him. He is his own man, for good or ill, and there is no way to reach him.
I want to be happy. I want more than anything for S to be happy. That was the one thing I most wanted for him: happiness. Something I felt I lacked growing up. I’ve tried to make him feel loved, as I never felt. I wanted him to be better than me, and accomplish great things. It doesn’t seem to be too much to want: our children to have a better life than we had.
I’m tired. I have been dealing with a lot. I think a lot about just ending all my pain. Last night it was very difficult not to take a whole bottle of my sleeping aid. I think the only reason I didn’t was because I figured the 20 or so pills I have on hand wouldn’t do the trick. I don’t like to get this way. It bothers people.
S has told me he doesn’t want to do anything that adversely affects the lives of those around him, and in the next breath, he asked me why H and I can’t just let him be happy, and pills/alcohol, being high are things that make him happy. It was a really terrible thing to hear. It is so sad to me to think how utterly I failed him.
Happiness shouldn’t be so difficult to attain. Sometimes I doubt I will ever be happy again. The thought of turning my son out is just more than I can bear. Yet I obviously can’t handle this situation any longer. I just don’t know how. How do I find the strength to deal with his hatred and anger. I’ll be looking for a place to take him today. I doubt I can get him to go willingly. He just popped his head in here and said he’s tired of arguing with his dad. I responded that no one wants to live like this. WE want him to be happy. We don’t argue for the fun of it.
Happiness eludes me today. Fear, anger, and a deep sadness, that’s what I feel today. These are the times I wish most for the support of my folks and siblings, but I don’t have that. I’ve lost so much, I just can’t bear to lose my son too.
Why is my life so difficult? Do I need to accept Jesus as my Savior? Should I donate all my worldly possessions? What more does life want from me? I’ve nothing left to give. I hate feeling so lost, utterly alone and helpless. Like I’m in jail for a crime I didn’t commit.
Tomorrow is another day, and it might be better. Easy to say, but difficult to believe.