Happiness Today

Happiness eludes me these past couple of days.  Dealing with S for three solid days while he has been out of his head.  Then last night he starts accusing us of never listening, not understanding him.  I totally lost it.  I screamed at him that I had done nothing but listen to him whine about his awful life for three solid non-stop days!  I guess last night I reached a tipping point and ran away from home for an hour or so.  It was really hard to come back home.  I truly did not want to return. 

Today I am depressed.  I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I have barely stopped crying in that time.  Son is sleeping and husband took his mom out for coffee.  Here I sit in the quiet and cry.  For no other reason than a broken heart.  I think I realized how little influence I have over him.  He is his own man, for good or ill, and there is no way to reach him.

I want to be happy.  I want more than anything for S to be happy.  That was the one thing I most wanted for him: happiness.  Something I felt I lacked growing up.  I’ve tried to make him feel loved, as I never felt.  I wanted him to be better than me, and accomplish great things.  It doesn’t seem to be too much to want: our children to have a better life than we had.

I’m tired.  I have been dealing with a lot.  I think a lot about just ending all my pain.  Last night it was very difficult not to take a whole bottle of my sleeping aid.  I think the only reason I didn’t was because I figured the 20 or so pills I have on hand wouldn’t do the trick.  I don’t like to get this way.  It bothers people.

S has told me he doesn’t want to do anything that adversely affects the lives of those around him, and in the next breath, he asked me why H and I can’t just let him be happy, and pills/alcohol, being high are things that make him happy.  It was a really terrible thing to hear.  It is so sad to me to think how utterly I failed him.

Happiness shouldn’t be so difficult to attain.  Sometimes I doubt I will ever be happy again.  The thought of turning my son out is just more than I can bear.  Yet I obviously can’t handle this situation any longer.  I just don’t know how.  How do I find the strength to deal with his hatred and anger.  I’ll be looking for a place to take him today.  I doubt I can get him to go willingly.  He just popped his head in here and said he’s tired of arguing with his dad.  I responded that no one wants to live like this.  WE want him to be happy.  We don’t argue for the fun of it.

Happiness eludes me today.  Fear, anger, and a  deep sadness, that’s what I feel today.  These are the times I wish most for the support of my folks and siblings, but I don’t have that.  I’ve lost so much, I just can’t bear to lose my son too.

Why is my life so difficult?  Do I need to accept Jesus as my Savior?  Should I donate all my worldly possessions?  What more does life want from me?  I’ve nothing left to give.  I hate feeling so lost, utterly alone and helpless.  Like I’m in jail for a crime I didn’t commit.

Tomorrow is another day, and it might be better.   Easy to say, but difficult to believe.

5 thoughts on “Happiness Today

  1. Oh Linda I hate to see you in so much pain… I feel it. Maybe because I was in the same kind of pain (different reason but same type of pain) Pain that just is so confusing. You don’t know where to go from here and yet you must go somewhere because things can’t go on as they are…. you do know that from what you are saying. You are in a sense being ‘controlled’ but only because you love S so much. But for him to get help the next step though really difficult has ‘to be’. I so much want some happiness for ‘you’. Thoughts as usual are with you…. Diane

    1. Thank you so much for your support. It really does mean a lot to me. I’m still feeling pretty low. Part of me just wants to give up and be depressed, but I know I don’t really want that. Why is my life filled with drama and confusion, and how do I correct that? That’s my question.

      1. Sometimes life seems so complicated.. and often the answers don’t come soon enough… or maybe we don’t see them when they do… You are faced with a very difficult decision and there is not a loving mother on this earth that doesn’t realize why you are struggling so….. Diane

  2. just a couple of things that i am sure you know but hearing it again may help.. son is not who you are dealing with, you are dealing with the drugs. of course the drugs and alcohol make him happy, if he were addicted to chocolate then chocolate would make him happy.

    you can not fix him, all he wants is for everyone to keep on enabling his addiction. all the threatening he does is just his obsession with the drugs. he doesn’t know what happiness is and until he is getting the help he needs or you ask him to leave and mean it nothing is going to change.

    please find the strength to stand your ground. is it possible for you to see a therapist? you really need the support and a safe place to talk about your feelings.

    1. They just gave husband a packet on the new insurance plan. Once I see what the coverage is, I will try to find a therapist. I know I need one–though I had hoped I was strong enough to make it on my own. I’ve been in therapy three times and I gained a lot each time.

      I’ve spent a little time researching rehab places to take son to. But I know the chances of him going are thin, if it came down to an ultimatum maybe he would.

      Son says all the things addicts say. Make promises they won’t or can’t keep. I’m tempted to find information on rehab and addiction and give it to him to read, but of course, he won’t.

      He’s sober today (I think) and things are quiet. Mom will meet her grandson this afternoon, so he’s on his best behavior. He also desperately wants to connect with other extended family members from husband’s side of the family. I know he keenly feels the loss from my side of the family. They never had anything to do with him. My folks sent him a birthday card every year until he was about 13 when I broke from my family. I never forgave my parents for never showing an interest in Son. I don’t think son has either.

      Thank you so much for standing by me, even though you know I continue to enable son to carry on as he is, thereby letting the situation that makes me miserable continue. Thank you for such sound advice. Is there advice as to how to gain the strength necessary to do what needs to be done?

      xoxo 🙂

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