Saw my therapist for the first time today. I saw her about 9 years ago when husband had his affair, so it’s sort of nice that she’s still around to meet with me again. My main goal, outside of getting my depression under control (again) is learning to deal with my family and their ways of communicating. Try to work with the fact that none of them is ever wrong (now this includes Mom, too), so everything is an argument (though they don’t see it that way).
I am very pessimistic about them making any changes, but my Therapist (T) says I can’t control what or how they say anything, but I can control my response to it. I let the way they talk upset me and hope to learn how to better deal with them. I will try to understand when H says I should or need to do something he is trying to make a suggestion in an effort to help me.
It makes me sad how I let my husband control me and my emotions. He never did it consciously or to actually control me. It just sort of happened. Typically, I blame myself, when actually it was both of us, and had a lot to do with our respective ages. While ten years difference doesn’t matter any more, it truly did make a difference in how our marriage played out. Why I became such a wimp, I’ll never know. No, I know why, I just don’t like to admit the similarities between husband and my father. ICK!
I have been trying to articulate what I want to change in our house and T said it’s a good start and she will help me get stronger and better able to speak up. I know I need to get tougher and should have gone back into therapy when I started having trouble with my job. Things have been building up to this point for up to two years before I left my job. That’s when stuff started to grow more difficult. That’s when my employer moved to SMALLER quarters. (I know, what company downsizes like that? Anyway, I lost a ton of space, ending up in a 4×5 cubicle, where I had been working with a 12 x 12 space and enough filing and workspace to adequately do my job.
I did what I could to make adjustments to the lack of space, but by the time I had gotten a hang of the lack of workspace, the firm decided to purchase the latest version of MSWord. I’m sure some of you know the kind of changes they made in Word 2010. For those of you not as familiar, they changed EVERYTHING, and I really mean EVERYTHING. They moved stuff around, changed where you find formatting, insert function, etc. Set up all these tabs and basically made Word for PCs more like the Mac…which wouldn’t have been a big deal, if I hadn’t grown up with Word, worked with the program since it’s inception, and was a highly skilled expert. I had also recently turned 50, was experiencing memory loss and cognitive dysfunction and a newly developed habit of losing things like notes. It was terrible on my pride and confidence. In fact, I totally lost all confidence and slowly fell apart.
With my confidence in the crapper, it wasn’t long before everything snowballed into disaster and my panicked “retirement.” T couldn’t believe I was denied DI. Then I explained I didn’t push the depression, since I thought I had that under control. With recent events she wondered if I reapplied if I’d be accepted. I guess I could look into it, but think I need to go back to work first. Maybe I will find out I can do certain jobs. Unfortunately, I won’t make nearly as much money since I will be working at a lower level of responsibilities. I don’t want to deal with lawyers–too much stress, and don’t think I could handle just a “regular” Executive Assistant position either, so I’m down to an Admin Assistant, which is where I was at 15 years ago. A depressing thought to be sure.
Being an admin assistant wouldn’t be so bad, if it didn’t ensure that I couldn’t possibly keep my house because that job just doesn’t pay what I would need to make. Well, that’s just depressing me more. Think it’s time to walk my dog.