It’s already happening. I am already doing nearly everything. I asked son to take grandma to get a document notarized and faxed and he asked why he had to go and said, “I don’t feel like going.” Like I do? Of course, I would rather just sit at home and rest my swollen ankle, take care of all the paperwork I need to do today, but things need to get done. So guess who does them? So today me and Mom will go get her document notarized and sent, then to Staples to get some printer ink and folders (for the masses of paperwork I have floating around), then a stop at the grocery to pick up two items. None of this is something son “wants to do.” And he is in a foul mood and I don’t want him with me now. That’s what he doesn’t get. Errands are not things we want to do, but things we must do. I don’t have the strength today to push the issue. I don’t like to be around him when he is angry.
He’s furious because the one thing he has to do himself is take care of an issue with his drivers license and he can’t speak to anyone. I told him to just go online and make an appointment, he can talk to them then. But, of course, my way won’t work.
After storming around a bit, he came in my room and said, “Let’s go.” I explained we can’t go yet because the place with the notary isn’t open until 9, and grandma asked if we could go later today rather than this morning.
I realize he is just having a bad day. 1) There is nothing on the news except the Royal Baby Watch. 2) I asked him to run errands with me. 3) He can’t get hold of a live person at the DMV. 4) His hand hurts and so he cannot draw.
He only recently took up drawing again. We went out this weekend and bought him some pens and paper. But drawing, especially the detailed drawings he does, is hard on the hands and fingers, I know. We’re not sure exactly what the issue is, except it probably has to do with the broken bones that healed unset. I think it’s just another excuse to say, “See I can’t do it. I can’t do anything because of this and this and that.” So he can roll up and ignore life. If only he knew how much that hurt us.
I feel for him, I really do, but there is nothing I can do to help him. It just makes me so sad that he can’t take care of himself. He was able to at one time, but it seems almost as if he is afraid of life since his most serious drug and alcohol use has ended. I hate to see him upset or unhappy. It hurts and I feel guilty, even though I know it’s not my fault.
After no one wanting take the dog for a walk, this really hurts me. That’s what they don’t realize, that by acting that way, not doing the things for me that I need done, it just feels like they don’t care how I feel as long as they are not inconvenienced by my needs.
Well, my other job of the day is to print and complete the paperwork for the EDD Keep Your Home program. We spoke with them the other day and they will be able to make our mortgage payments for up to one year, hopefully allowing us time to get B of A to give us a loan modification. If BofA cooperates all should go smoothly, but with the way they have dealt with things so far, I am only hopeful to stay in the house until next June, when our assistance would run out. If we can stay here through the school year, we will be happy.
Then I have to call the lawyer I spoke with about my disability. He said there is nothing wrong with applying to SSDI while collecting unemployment, so I went ahead and applied. He wants me to fax or email all my information so he can review it all and then make an appointment to meet in person.
So life marches on much like it has for the last 30+ years and I’m thinking again about leaving. Thank you for listening.