Didn’t Even Make it to The End of The Month

It’s already happening.  I am already doing nearly everything.  I asked son to take grandma to get a document notarized and faxed and he asked why he had to go and said, “I don’t feel like going.”  Like I do?  Of course, I would rather just sit at home and rest my swollen ankle, take care of all the paperwork I need to do today, but things need to get done.  So guess who does them?  So today me and Mom will go get her document notarized and sent, then to Staples to get some printer ink and folders (for the masses of paperwork I have floating around), then a stop at the grocery to pick up two items.  None of this is something son “wants to do.” And he is in a foul mood and I don’t want him with me now.  That’s what he doesn’t get.  Errands are not things we want to do, but things we must do.  I don’t have the strength today to push the issue.  I don’t like to be around him when he is angry.

He’s furious because the one thing he has to do himself is take care of an issue with his drivers license and he can’t speak to anyone.  I told him to just go online and make an appointment, he can talk to them then.  But, of course, my way won’t work.

After storming around a bit, he came in my room and said, “Let’s go.”  I explained we can’t go yet because the place with the notary isn’t open until 9, and grandma asked if we could go later today rather than this morning.

I realize he is just having a bad day.  1) There is nothing on the news except the Royal Baby Watch. 2)  I asked him to run errands with me.  3) He can’t get hold of a live person at the DMV.  4) His hand hurts and so he cannot draw. 

He only recently took up drawing again.  We went out this weekend and bought him some pens and paper.  But drawing, especially the detailed drawings he does, is hard on the hands and fingers, I know.  We’re not sure exactly what the issue is, except it probably has to do with the broken bones that healed unset.  I think it’s just another excuse to say, “See I can’t do it.  I can’t do anything because of this and this and that.”  So he can roll up and ignore life.  If only he knew how much that hurt us.

I feel for him, I really do, but there is nothing I can do to help him.  It just makes me so sad that he can’t take care of himself.  He was able to at one time, but it seems almost as if he is afraid of life since his most serious drug and alcohol use has ended.  I hate to see him upset or unhappy.  It hurts and I feel guilty, even though I know it’s not my fault.

After no one wanting take the dog for a walk, this really hurts me.  That’s what they don’t realize, that by acting that way, not doing the things for me that I need done, it just feels like they don’t care how I feel as long as they are not inconvenienced by my needs.

Well, my other job of the day is to print and complete the paperwork for the EDD Keep Your Home program.  We spoke with them the other day and they will be able to make our mortgage payments for up to one year, hopefully allowing us time to get B of A to give us a loan modification.  If BofA cooperates all should go smoothly, but with the way they have dealt with things so far, I am only hopeful to stay in the house until next June, when our assistance would run out.  If we can stay here through the school year, we will be happy. 

Then I have to call the lawyer I spoke with about my disability.  He said there is nothing wrong with applying to SSDI while collecting unemployment, so I went ahead and applied.  He wants me to fax or email all my information so he can review it all and then make an appointment to meet in person.

So life marches on much like it has for the last 30+ years and I’m thinking again about leaving.  Thank you for listening.

8 thoughts on “Didn’t Even Make it to The End of The Month

  1. so i am not going to say any thing new but maybe saying it again will help you take a hard look at your situation. remember i say this because i care. this is not to beat you up or to have you beat yourself up, i think you have done this enough.

    son makes excuses and you have taught him to do that. you make them for him. he is having a bad day??? don’t make me laugh. here is a grown man who lives off his parents for free. someone else does everything for him including excuse his behavior. there are people with no family, serious health issues and problems that no one is going to let them make excuses for. there are people who live in hovels and are happy to have a roof over their head.

    how about the next time he asks why he should do you can let him know why. for instance, i think it will make you feel better about yourself if you contribute to keeping a roof over our heads. paper for grandma? well if you want your room back then you are going to need to assist in making that happen.

    you are so kind and let people walk all over you. then you are upset and don’t know why you are doing every thing. if you require more it gives others the chance to step up and be counted. you deserve some peace and the only way you are going to get it is to create an environment where others know you are not going to give in to them. they don’t mind that you are upset because you don’t require them to care. if i were there i would try to help you. if i can feel sympathetic surely your son could? or you can just keep being stressed out and making excuses for him.

    i sincerely hope you get the assistance to keep your home. you deserve a break!

    1. Thank you for your stern words. This is something I will be working on with my therapist. I told her that this was my biggest fear; that the family would not be able to sustain the help I need.

      Thank you for pointing out that I have a lot of work to do in this area. I do let people walk all over me, and it’s time it stopped. I’m working on it, but it is hard to change.

      Thank you again for your warm support. You always give me the eye openers that I need. You are a very special person in my heart.

      XOXO ((HUGS))

  2. i did hope that you would understand that i say these things with love. if i am a bit too stern i hope that you will forgive me. it is never my intent to hurt feelings. i am so glad you are going to therapy, i worry about you.

    1. I never consider the things you tell me as hurtful. You are always gentle in your “criticisms” (for lack of a better word) and I know you are being helpful. I love your honesty and general concern.

      My post Sorry and Other Stuff was prompted by your response to my earlier post, but only because it made me realize how much I was letting my son’s actions control me and the second post allowed me to let go of some of that and turn my mind outward.

      Luv you.

  3. I’m starting my reading from oldest to latest so things may have changed… but I so agree that S needs to stand up and be accountable for helping in whatever way that he can…even if only taking G to get papers done… but I also know when resolve wanes when strength either emotional or physical is lacking… I do hope he somehow gets the message that he needs to contribute more and not just take…. Diane xo

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