Yesterday I busted Son for snorting his favorite drug (whatever it is). He gets incoherent and practically comatose when he has a lot, but yesterday it wasn’t too bad. I just walked into his room and asked him what he took and why. At that moment he was too high to talk to me. He said he was sorry and I told him sorry didn’t cut it. I don’t want you to be sorry, I want you to be sober.
It’s all because he was supposed to go out with an old friend for lunch and I gave him $20. Well, the lunch was cancelled due to his friend’s baby having a temperature. But I never saw that $20 again–I usually don’t ask for it back, figuring he could use it to buy his energy drinks. He didn’t buy energy drinks, he somehow bought that fucking drug again.
Husband and I discussed it briefly, Son can stay but he gets no more money. No more cash, no more checks to “cover his insurance.” He’s to close out his bank account (which is at $0 anyway. We will make arrangements to pay for his insurance and his taxes for now. Then he must get his drivers license renewed and then actively apply for work. I don’t care what kind of work. He can work at Starbucks or McDonalds, but he’s got to go to work. The threat of being kicked out is becoming very real. Son is down picking up grandson for the weekend, but I will discuss this with him more when he gets home.
Funny, I’m not really upset or angry. Disappointed is close, but not even that. Dismayed, disheartened, and disillusioned fit better. I feel like giving up on him. Let him do whatever he wants, I will no longer support him. If he doesn’t have a job, he won’t be able to afford any drugs. So I’m a bit worried that when he does find work, he will have the money for more drugs, and if so, he will be out on the street. I guess I am just fed up. Fed up with myself for allowing this to continue. Fed up with his lies and his apologies. I just don’t have the energy to waste on trying to change him or control him, or keep him safe.
It’s taken me a very long time to get to this point, and I thank all of my supporters out there who have encouraged me to kick son out and take care of himself. I know I have done him no favors by allowing this behavior to continue, but it seemed heartless to send him out to live in his car. Knowing that he will lose control of his son. Knowing I may not get to see grandson as much as I have. Knowing we’d relinquish a lot of control over grandson and his behavior (which always takes a turn for the worse when he spends a great deal of time with his mom).
I guess today I am sad. Not depressed exactly, but sad. Deeply saddened by my inability to help my son. By my failure in raising him to be apparently incapable of helping himself.