A Little Low


Yesterday I busted Son for snorting his favorite drug (whatever it is).  He gets incoherent and practically comatose when he has a lot, but yesterday it wasn’t too bad.  I just walked into his room and asked him what he took and why.  At that moment he was too high to talk to me.  He said he was sorry and I told him sorry didn’t cut it.  I don’t want you to be sorry, I want you to be sober.

It’s all because he was supposed to go out with an old friend for lunch and I gave him $20.  Well, the lunch was cancelled due to his friend’s baby having a temperature.  But I never saw that $20 again–I usually don’t ask for it back, figuring he could use it to buy his energy drinks.  He didn’t buy energy drinks, he somehow bought that fucking drug again. 

Husband and I discussed it briefly, Son can stay but he gets no more money.  No more cash, no more checks to “cover his insurance.”  He’s to close out his bank account (which is at $0 anyway.  We will make arrangements to pay for his insurance and his taxes for now.  Then he must get his drivers license renewed and then actively apply for work.  I don’t care what kind of work.  He can work at Starbucks or McDonalds, but he’s got to go to work.  The threat of being kicked out is becoming very real.  Son is down picking up grandson for the weekend, but I will discuss this with him more when he gets home. 

Funny, I’m not really upset or angry.  Disappointed is close, but not even that.  Dismayed, disheartened, and disillusioned fit better.  I feel like giving up on him.  Let him do whatever he wants, I will no longer support him.  If he doesn’t have a job, he won’t be able to afford any drugs.  So I’m a bit worried that when he does find work, he will have the money for more drugs, and if so, he will be out on the street.  I guess I am just fed up.  Fed up with myself for allowing this to continue.  Fed up with his lies and his apologies.   I just don’t have the energy to waste on trying to change him or control him, or keep him safe. 

It’s taken me a very long time to get to this point, and I thank all of my supporters out there who have encouraged me to kick son out and take care of himself.  I know I have done him no favors by allowing this behavior to continue, but it seemed heartless to send him out to live in his car.  Knowing that he will lose control of his son.  Knowing I may not get to see grandson as much as I have.  Knowing we’d relinquish a lot of control over grandson and his behavior (which always takes a turn for the worse when he spends a great deal of time with his mom).

I guess today I am sad.  Not depressed exactly, but sad.  Deeply saddened by my inability to help my son.  By my failure in raising him to be apparently incapable of helping himself.

22 thoughts on “A Little Low

  1. Thinking of you as you work through this. I can’t begin to imagine how tough this must be. That said, you should be proud of yourself. What you’re doing takes courage, and I can tell that you’re stronger than you’ve been in ages. You really have no control over your son’s choices, and as hard as this is, I believe it’s what needs to happen for all of you to move forward. I watched my mom go through something very similar with my brother. The similarities in her situation and yours are so much alike it’s eery. Nearly two years later, she and my brother are both so much better. He has quit taking advantage of her, and while it hasn’t always been easy, I see a change in her for the better. All the best to you and your family.

  2. Sadness is better than depression but I hope that it lessens soon. I think it’s wise to not in any way make it easy for S to keep on the way he has. He has a son he needs to take care of as well as himself. We do the best we can raising our children but sometimes it seems things go awry… but don’t blame yourself… (and I won’t blame me either)…. Diane

  3. first let me say that you have come a long way and should be proud of yourself. now the hard part…… threats are just that threats, when there is no action behind the threats then it is status quo. he is not going to take care of himself if he doesn’t have to. heartless for him to live in his car? how heartless is what he is doing to you? if he doesn’t want to live in his car (and i bet he doesn’t) then he will get his butt out of the car and find a job. what a great example will that be for his son?

    you can do this and whether you do or not i will keep believing in you:)

    1. Son and I had a bit of a quiet talk yesterday. I told him it was time for him to take control of his life and stop being a victim. He agreed, but I know he’s got more work to do. I also pointed out that the smoking pot needs to stop as well as any other drugs. I said pot has a way of demotivating a person and is possibly why he hasn’t been able to do anything yet. I told him I don’t like the drugs he uses, it makes him act strange and annoying and lie to me.

      He didn’t have much to say other than I was right and he really wants to change. He wants better than this for his son. I told him I know it’s tough going through a life crisis.

      Love and thoughts of beauty sent to you today.

  4. I sometimes say that life is a highway and at every off-ramp some of our friends may leave us but there is always a ramp following where someone might join us for some time. Sometimes our former friends get back on our highway again and we are happy to have a break with them. But you have to drive and if you leave the highway for a friend you might get lost somewhere in the middle of nowhere struggling hard to get back to the highway (=yourself). Of course, as a mother, you are used to have a feeling of responsibility for your son. But sometimes you just can’t take the responsibility because you would have to leave the highway for a very long time without ever knowing if the person you left for will choose a way you can follow further. So we all have to accept that we have to be a bit selfish sometimes to be able to be more helpful and supportive everytime. If you do not love and enjoy yourself, how could you ever really love and enjoy other people?
    So much thoughts, hope any of them makes sense to you.
    And I hope that you soon start to feel better.
    You can always contact me for a hopefully helping talk.
    Chris

    1. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. You are an amazing young man and I admire you and your wisdom.

      I like the allegory of leaving the highway on a quest to save someone. It makes a lot of sense.

      I know I can’t help my son any more. He must help himself or no one can. I will always be there for him, but only if he is there for himself and his son first.

      Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts and kindness with me.

      1. You are welcome, my friend. I might have already been here for one or another time. Or my very personal story made me become this way? I don’t know.
        I just wrote some lyrics for you, hope you like them 🙂

        i | know I can’t help you no | more
        i’m | trying to just let you | go
        you | see it’s a hard one for | me
        | Struggled a long time with | almost no fam’ly
        | Life is a highway and | you’re on the off-ramp
        i’d | like to but I | can’t
        | Follow you any | more
        i’m | trying to just let you | go

        May | peace surround you my | friend
        Are we | living a short story and | this is the end?
        Or | is it a novel, our | thread of action
        a | bout to be sus | pended?
        | Life is a highway and | you’re on the off-ramp
        i’d | like to but I | can’t
        | Follow you any | more
        i’m | trying to just let you | go

        There’s a | pain in my heart, there’s a | twinge in my soul
        We | used to be close and now | i have to go
        You | might want to join me | later again
        i’m | wishing for it, hope you’ll | find me then
        On | CA1, I’m | heading south
        | Passing Los Ang’les, i might | check it out
        i’m | on the road with | somewhere to go
        i’m | trying to just let you | go

        A | new friend has joined me, you’re | still in my heart
        how | long will you stay there? | where is your car?
        i’m | hoping you’ll join me but | i have to go
        | This is my life and | this my road
        you see | life is a highway and | you’re on the off-ramp
        i’d | like to but I | can’t
        | Follow you any | more
        i’m | trying to just let you | go

        There’s a | pain in my heart, there’s a | twinge in my soul
        We | used to be close and now | i have to go
        You | might want to join me | later again
        i’m | wishing for it, hope you’ll | find me then
        On | CA1, I’m | heading south
        | Passing Los Ang’les, i might | check it out
        i’m | on the road with | somewhere to go
        i’m | trying to just let you | go

        Let’s have a great time on the highway together,
        Chris

      2. Thank you very much. Thank you for being that inspiring, too. I will let you know once you can listen to it. I hope that crying did not feel wrong (if you did not make it not to cry)? Sometimes I feel really close to someone when I listen to his/her story. This has happened here. So I had a look at your about page to learn a bit more about you and being able to write a song that could mean something to you. Seems that I succeeded which makes me happy and your reply gave me little tears of joy 😉
        Only the best wishes for you,
        Chris
        P.S.: I published five episodes of my very personal story now, that is all I planned for now ranging from 2006-2010 because afterwards, I’m fully recovered. So if you find the time to read it all, you might ask me questions and continue your writing. I am really looking forward to reading it 🙂

      3. Again thank you for your beautiful song. I’m glad to feel connected to you.

        I will be looking at the rest of your story this evening. I look forward to reading how you recovered.

      4. You’re welcome and I am glad to feel connected to you, too, my friend.
        I am looking forward to our collaboration on my very personal story.
        Talk to you soon 🙂

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