I think I decided to actually leave my family. It sounds so heartless but I need different things than they are able to give. I want peace, tranquility, simplicity, and social stimulation. They want to stay at home and watch TV. I can no longer allow myself to be manipulated now that I understand I have not been living my own life, only the life my husband imagined “for us.”
It’s been percolating back there for months. I’m definitely dissatisfied with my life. While I am excited and happy to be taking Tai Chi and Zumba, and now volunteering at the animal shelter, it’s not what I want to do. I sound like a 1960s wife, don’t I?
I’ve been looking at Seattle. It’s cheaper than an artsy town in California. I’ve been there once, and liked the look and feel of the place. I could see myself living there in a sparsely furnished studio. Husband didn’t really care for it. One city’s pretty much like another to him, and he wants no part of any of them. Rural is the way he wants it, and part of me wants that too. But I think it’s the part that husband controls. That’s the voice in my head telling me I can’t.
When I say I’ve been manipulated and under husband’s control, he hasn’t done it consciously or maliciously, it’s just sort of the way he’s made. Still, it is not something I care to have in my life anymore. Does that sound cruel? Heartless? It feels that way, but I really think above everything else, I want a simpler, more interactive life. I don’t want all of my friendships to be online!
As long as I am able to keep getting unemployment until I find a job, I could make it on my own in Seattle. I want to be somewhere where people are living their lives, not watching them go by on the television. I need more out of life than what I’m getting.
I’ve thought many times about leaving husband in the past 10 years, and god, now I really think I will do it. I deserve to be happy, right? But do I deserve to be happy at the expense of someone else’s happiness?
What do I do about health insurance? Disability? Wouldn’t I be abandoning them all? They need me. But that’s it, they need me, that’s different than loving me. What about paying for a shrink and a therapist? Hah, but if I’m living the life I want would I need the antidepressants and therapist?
Of course, I can’t do anything without talking to my therapist first. Spit it out to her, though maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. I’ve got to get my finances in order, by filing for bankruptcy. (And, no, I do not feel bad about not paying my debt. I’ve been paying them at percentages that would see me in debt until about 2045, they’ve made their money.) I will let Tim do what he wants about the house, file BK and try to keep it that way, but I don’t want the responsibility for it any more.
I can’t believe I am seriously considering leaving?!