I saw my therapist Thursday and discussed the possibility of my leaving my marriage of 34 years. She seemed quite surprised. I guess after all this time together, and my saying that I can’t see my life without him, I suddenly can see the possibility of a life alone. I want to bring him in right away, but with this kidney stone thing, she felt it would be better for him to have recovered. Unfortunately, that leaves me taking care of my pain riddled, weeping 62 year old husband for at least another two weeks. Luckily, his pain has eased since Thursday morning. We haven’t seen any evidence of having passed any stones, but at least he feels better. If nothing happens in two weeks we will go back to the urologist. Which means I have to continue to wait to discuss making some serious changes.
It’s the indecision that is so problematic. Once a decision has been made I will feel better. I know, too, that I don’t have to wait until the kidney stone situation is resolved, but it would make me feel much better not to hit him when he was down. This is so similar to the last time I had to discuss changing things in our marriage some 10 years ago after the affair. I was almost ready to leave when he started having major abdominal pain and it turned out that he needed his gall bladder removed. Right after that our son came home to recover from his addictions, and I felt I couldn’t leave.
Now with the kidney stones and his friends’ recent abandonment of him, and we just heard his best friend has only about 10-14 days left to live. How cruel would it be for me to completely withdraw from him now??
What is it about my timing? Is it Karma’s way of saying I should stay? Karma’s way of letting me be sure that my decision will be the right one? He manipulates and controls me, but I don’t think he means to. Does that give him the right to do it? No. Does it make me feel partially responsible? Yes. I let him control me, though I stand up to him now. Not that it changes much, but it does show he can no longer control me. I have to give him the opportunity to prove he can change. Don’t I?
I wish I knew how this happened. Why it happened the way it did. It’s not that he is a bad guy, but not a great husband. He’s not evil, he’s only doing what comes naturally to him. Unfortunately it turns out I was the type of person easily controlled. I hate to admit how like my father my husband is, and how much like my mother I turned out to be. No wonder I’m depressed most of the time. Is it too damaged to repair?