I want to run my own life. I told husband today that I’m tired of other people telling me what to do and how to do it. I want to make those choices for myself. I know we can’t all just do whatever we want, but I don’t plan to hurt anybody by my actions. I’m trying not to put myself first, but then again, someone has to. I’ve been waiting 52 years for MY LIFE TO START! It’s my turn to make the rules (at least some of them). It’s my choice whether I pursue a disability claim or not. I’m tired of waiting for things to line up and give me a sign that never comes.
So I’ve decided, right here, that I will pursue my comedy, despite having to travel. I’m the only one stopping me now. Husband will just have to learn to deal with my being gone some evenings. I’ve been trying to write this past week, but with husband’s kidney stones, life has been pretty much upset. He’s going back to work tomorrow, so I will have more time tomorrow, unless he gets an attack tonight. We’re waiting now for an appointment to have lithotripsy done, where they break up the stone using ultrasonic waves. If that doesn’t do it, they have to go up through the urethra into the kidney and pulverize it by sight. Or worse, remove it surgically.
Meanwhile I am trying to write 15 minutes of comedy, then try it out on YouTube. I just need some alone time to do it. If I could just start fulfilling some of my dreams now, I might be able to wait through this year and battle with disability. Right now I don’t even care if I get it anymore–I mean, it doesn’t look promising, so it’s better to expect NOT to get it than otherwise. So far the lawyer I engaged hasn’t been any help.
I also have to stop fantasizing about living on my own in Seattle for now anyway. I can’t do anything until things settle down with husband’s health and we get past mourning his friend’s death. I’ll talk to my therapist some more about what’s behind my desire to leave. Do I just want a vacation from reality? Do I really need to be on my own for a short period of time? Or do I really want to end my marriage? I guess it would be uncaring for me to just jump out now, and maybe a little premature. After all, I’m still so indecisive I don’t want to make the wrong choice.
There, I feel just a little bit better.
Look out Life, I’m taking control…slowly.