Other People Running My Life

I want to run my own life.   I told husband today that I’m tired of other people telling me what to do and how to do it.  I want to make those choices for myself.   I know we can’t all just do whatever we want, but I don’t plan to hurt anybody by my actions.  I’m trying not to put myself first, but then again, someone has to.  I’ve been waiting 52 years for MY LIFE TO START!  It’s my turn to make the rules (at least some of them).  It’s my choice whether I pursue a disability claim or not.  I’m tired of waiting for things to line up and give me a sign that never comes.

Lithotripsy treatmentSo I’ve decided, right here, that I will pursue my comedy, despite having to travel.  I’m the only one stopping me now.  Husband will just have to learn to deal with my being gone some evenings.  I’ve been trying to write this past week, but with husband’s kidney stones, life has been pretty much upset.  He’s going back to work tomorrow, so I will have more time tomorrow, unless he gets an attack tonight.  We’re waiting now for an appointment to have lithotripsy done, where they break up the stone using ultrasonic waves.  If that doesn’t do it, they have to go up through the urethra into the kidney and pulverize it by sight.  Or worse, remove it surgically.

Meanwhile I am trying to write 15 minutes of comedy, then try it out on YouTube.  I just need some alone time to do it.  If I could just start fulfilling some of my dreams now, I might be able to wait through this year and battle with disability.  Right now I don’t even care if I get it anymore–I mean, it doesn’t look promising, so it’s better to expect NOT to get it than otherwise.  So far the lawyer I engaged hasn’t been any help.

Seattle Skyline

I also have to stop fantasizing about living on my own in Seattle for now anyway.  I can’t do anything until things settle down with husband’s health and we get past mourning his friend’s death.  I’ll talk to my therapist some more about what’s behind my desire to leave.  Do I just want a vacation from reality?  Do I really need to be on my own for a short period of time?  Or do I really want to end my marriage?  I guess it would be uncaring for me to just jump out now, and maybe a little premature.  After all, I’m still so indecisive I don’t want to make the wrong choice.

There, I feel just a little bit better.

Look out Life, I’m taking control…slowly.

28 thoughts on “Other People Running My Life

  1. And you can feel this new thinking even through your words… At least you’ve made a decision on a couple of matters… Waiting is a decision until you’re sure what you want to do… And pursuing a dream and making life more interesting is not being selfish… because it’s your turn at some joy in your life. I know you love your family dearly and yet you’ve lost your sense of ‘self’ looking after them all… So it is YOUR turn… I do hope the kidney stone passes soon though and he won’t need surgery … Take care… Diane xo

    1. Thanks Diane. I appreciate your comments greatly. I’m hopeful that the lithotripsy can be scheduled soon and works out well.

      I wrote a few jokes today and figured out how to post to Youtube, so maybe by the end of the month I’ll have something to show off. Then all of my followers will lie and tell me how good I am and my ego will get a huge boost.

      1. Sometimes good friends do maybe ‘lie’ a little if they think it’s necessary and the right thing to do at the time because by doing so they maybe give a friend a boost of confidence they need to believe in themselves…(that’s a mouthful.. but I think you know what I’m trying to say ) Diane

    1. hope so, too 🙂 glad you’re feeling a bit better now, Linda. Looking forward to get your news and remember, even failure is a success if it happens on your way towards your own life.
      Yours sincerely,

    2. I wrote some jokes today and practiced them. Then I figured out how to take video and post it to YouTube. As soon as I’ve got it all perfected, I’ll post here with links to YouTube, hoping for before the end of the month. I’ve just got to keep up my momentum.

  2. We all need a break from reality, and this could be answer possibly, and yes pursue your comedy, I did with music, no matter what my standard I enjoyed and learnt from it. I do like the way you have written and dealt with your life’s events.. good luck with what ever you try, and let us see your resulting show when on youtube,, look forward to it.. I’ll put a vid of me at a folk club for you to laugh as well.. smiling now 😉

    1. Thanks for your encouraging words. I started today by writing. I also practiced with the video function on my computer and loading video onto YouTube. Then I practiced some jokes. Unfortunately I won’t know if any of it’s funny, but when I get my timing and my wording perfected I will post on YouTube and let all my followers know. I’d love to see you perform on YouTube!

  3. Depression colours out thinking and how we see our relationships. I used to often indulge in ideas of starting over. New place, new people. I even did it once when I decided to move permanently to Spain. The problem was it seemed similar problems kept following me around.
    It took me years to realize that I was part of the bigger problem. I was making the same bad choices over and over and somehow expecting better results. I also learnt that honesty (or lack thereof) plays a major role in unhappiness. It was only when I started being able to say how I really felt that things started to change. When you stop and say to someone “I’m sorry, but you cannot speak o me that way”, they have no choice but to listen, and once it’s all out there you begin to figure out in what direction you actually want to go.

    1. Wise advice. You’re right, and that’s probably my biggest fear, is that I won’t be leaving my problems behind.

      I am trying to be more honest with my husband. He may have manipulated me in the past, but now that I recognize it, I don’t let it happen as often. He’s probably getting tired of hearing me, but he hasn’t said anything about my change in attitude. I think he’s pretty happy as long as I’m not depressed. I’m hopeful this week that things can get better.

      I just have to just do what I have to do to be happy. I started today with practicing with a few jokes I wrote. As soon as I get them down, I will try to post them on my YouTube page.

      Thanks again for your helpful comment. It helps to hear it from one who knows.

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