I wonder why mother nature saw fit to provide us with errant hormones. I ave been a victim of out of control hormones since they first started to flow through my body. When I was younger I was absolutely ruled by them. Typical PMS bitchiness. What most people seem unable to understand is the total lack of control over said hormones and thus one’s bitchiness.
My hormonal teeter totter includes much more than bitchiness, and my PMS still can last more than two weeks! What the hell? I’ve been waiting some 40 years for menopause (Ah, the last stage of puberty) and for one cannot wait for it. I’ve been perimenopausal for ten years now, and I am eager to reach the other side.
I regret that my hormones have managed my life. As I said, it doesn’t seem controllable. The bitch just climbs out and jumps at people. The snippy witch complains and grumbles. The deep darkness of Depression creeps in unimpeded and one by one they take over my life.
Do you remember a time before “PMS” was a medical condition? When depression was a “state of mind” one could smile through? I do. Very much. I recall being suicidal over the imbalance of my work and home life, and being told that my best option was to quit my job. Some advice from a “professional”! Though I am sure it would’ve helped me feel better temporarily, overall it was pretty poor advice. In the end my emotional problems lead to my being let go. They said it was a lay off and they wouldn’t interfere in my getting unemployment. They said that because they knew they were on thin ice about firing me due to depression, which is covered by the Americans with Disabilities Act. I could have sued them, but to what end? I was too much of a mess to deal with a law suit. We lost our house and ended up filing for bankruptcy after that job loss.
But this is a pattern. I hang on as long as I can, for years, before I completely fall apart and have what they used to call a nervous breakdown. This latest is my third breakdown in my life. And all because of hormones?!
I’m much more aware now of how this whole situation pops up every ten years or so and each time it involved the loss of a job, a move and a lot of distress. I still don’t know how to prevent it happening again in 10 more years, perhaps it’s inevitable. Perhaps it’s just my nature to periodically break down. Each time I have gotten up and dusted myself off and recovered to the best of my ability. Usually with the assistance of anti depressants. If not for them I would’ve been dead many years ago. Unfortunately, because of them I continue to suffer from periodic break downs.
The more I think about it, the more I want my disability to go through. I’m afraid to work any more. Life just seems to get way too complicated and I don’t want to go through another suicide attempt. I want control of my life, of my emotions and moods. Yet I can’t get that. Does anyone get that? Am I unique? As much as I’d like to be, I tend to think not.
I guess we all have our “crosses to bear” and hormonal imbalance seems to be mine. I’d just like it if there were some way of testing which of my hormones is so off, and if it could be corrected. If only I could convince a doctor to do a hysterectomy and turn at least some of these hormones off. Something I have wished for for a long long time. Then an older woman I knew said, even after menopause you can still get the mood swings, the depression, and the general peevishness. I was appalled, and to this day I hope she is wrong. Menopause is my hope for a more “normal” life. It wouldn’t be right to deny me that.
Still, I have learned that this is the case. That hormones rule my life and I apparently can do very little to change that. As I age the hormonal influence is not as striking, but even more insidious as it makes me think about leaving my family–one way or another. Something I was sure I wanted just a couple weeks ago, and today it’s the last thing I want. At least I realize it. That’s half the battle, right? Except when it comes to hormones as they make you act before you think. I am getting a bit better at thinking things through, but obviously I am not always successful. When you reach the end of your rope, that’s it. There’s no backing up; it’s full steam ahead into a total breakdown. Now why the hell would mother nature do that to a person?
I will be discussing this all with my therapist in the future maybe she will have some suggestions as to how I can see this coming and stop before it gets out of hand. I am doubtful it can be done, but hopeful too, that maybe it can. I do believe my hormonal imbalance is a disability, but I imagine that social security sees it as a temporary condition happening only once every ten years and therefore not a total disability. Either way, I sincerely doubt I will have any success in proving my case, especially since there is really no way to measure or quantify the level of disability I do have. The old, “it’s all in your head” syndrome.
As always I have only two choices, quit or keep going. Everyone tells me I’m not to quit, so that only leaves me with the choice to keep going. It’s all anyone of us can do. Good luck in your battles.