How do you know if you’re still in love after 34 years? I know love changes as we grow older together. But I feel like I’m just living with a friend. Which is to say, I don’t feel equal to him in this relationship. I guess that’s where my changing comes into play. Husband can still tell me why he loves me, but I can’t remember what made me fall in love with him all those years ago. I also question the reasons he loves me: because I take care of him and do little things for him, because I’m (still) beautiful. All superficial reasons and not because I’m smart or confident, or because he likes how I get all worked up about certain political issues.
We don’t see eye to eye on almost anything any more, though I usually don’t point it out. I just listen to him tell me his opinion, and I’m pretty sure he thinks I agree with him, though I don’t say anything to indicate if I do. I see no reason to tell him my opinions.
He knows virtually nothing about my blog, and has never asked. I can’t remember the last time he asked me anything about how I felt or why I felt that way. He never even asked me what drove me to attempt suicide and has no idea (I assume) how much of my distress was (and is) related to him and his attitudes.
I’ll give him credit, he is trying to change certain things. He doesn’t “play” his weird mind games with me any more. He would just make odd statements as if I missed part of a conversation and when I asked him to clarify, he would just continue on as if I should know. It took a long time to get him to stop doing that. I finally convinced him that I hated that and it was not funny, but mean to mess with the head of someone who has memory issues. I really must thank him. I’m sure it takes a lot of effort not to do something he has done to me for years. It always annoyed me, but since my memory issues had gotten so bad, I followed his imaginary conversations and would ask him questions. When my mind was healthy, I’d catch on after two questions, but since my cognitive problems have worsened, I no longer realized he was “playing” with me. I’m not sure you can follow that, but I needed to put it down.
I went to my first meditation class today. It was interesting, and unfortunately, made me feel a little “churchy” for me at first. But by the end I felt more like a student. The Buddhist Center is very nice and filled with books and stone Buddhas, and beautiful beaded bracelets. I bought a book, “The New Meditation Handbook” to help me practice at home.
Any way back to my subject of love. So much about Buddhism and attaining happiness is doing for others. That’s what got me into this whole midlife crisis! So I’m a bit conflicted. I mean, if I find being on my own would make me happy, but make my husband sad, I’m supposed to then stay with him? But then I read something about not being anyone’s doormat. What is the balance of doing for others, yet caring for yourself? Am I taking things too literally?