I’m Tired Two

Last night it came to me: we’re never really going to Seattle.  I’m just dreaming.  The realization that I’d likely see Son and Grandson rarely or perhaps not at all, because let’s face it none of us are going to be rich enough to afford long trips like that.

ImageI took it hard.  It knocked all the wind out of my sails.  I’ve been depressed all day.  I really don’t feel much like doing this.  I’m in the living room now, Son keeps reading interesting things to me, or going on and on about something in the news, god I don’t even know why he watches the news when he gets all twisted up about it.  (Why do the feel the need to repeat themselves, three maybe four times.  I can’t stand it.)  Son is now talking endlessly about antibiotics–our dog was chewing the hair off his back end, and is on anti-biotics.  How do I get him to realize he’s becoming a grumpy bore.  You’re releasing all your frustration on me when you go on about some injustice.  I agree with him 90% of the time, but he doesn’t know it, because he never lets me talk.

Husband in the bedroom watching the news.  Content and mostly happy.

I feel so defeated, giving up.  It’s the damn depression, creeping back in.  I promise I will fight it this time, but the realization that it’s my family that makes me miserable!  I have come to hate this house and being bound to something so hard to hold onto during difficult times.  It feels like a curse:  No Success for the __________’s, written right there in the rule book of life.

I will endeavor to feel better tomorrow, but tonight I think I’ll give in and cry.

30 thoughts on “I’m Tired Two

  1. I don’t ‘like’ how you’re feeling but ‘been there done that’ for sure…. The cycles that repeat … and the fact that we don’t want to go back to feelings of depression but needing to accept the ‘down’ times and our need to fight back…. but it is definitely a tiring process…. Have a better tomorrow ..for sure Diane

  2. I have not experienced what you are going through. I don’t know what else to say except … Keep on fighting … keep on keeping on. Don’t ever stop!!!! Do it for you. Do it for the happiness you will feel when it’s over. A good cry will detox “it” out of you. All my best thoughts ….

    1. A good cry did help. I’m trying to fall in love with So Cal again, but not leaving my hopes of a move far behind. Anything is possible when you’re in the right frame of mind. Today I am in that positive frame of mind.

  3. Whilst not on the same scale when I realised I wasn’t emigrating to Canada I was disappointed, I was looking forward to a life change but the idea of no work and relying on my partner and having no friends was scary but exciting. I had to fall back in love with London. And I realised I didn’t want to move, an adventure would turn to isolation, may partner would be busy at work, I would be trying to find a job after 16 years in one job,losing independance when I always supported myself even from very young.

    You have to r-assess your life and fall back in love with the world around you, take a walk in your neighbourhood and revel in the odd little things you see. I’ll leave the travelling for my holidays. I was already at home so not sure why I was looking for it somewhere else. Maybe it’s not so adventurous, but maybe it’s better to be happy with what you have. A simple life is often the most perfect

    1. That’s the idea of moving, to simplify our life. Though there is no reason we cannot simplify it here. I’m still thinking we would do well to move, as things are so much cheaper outside of CA.

      Thanks for the advice though. I’m trying to love it here again, but dragging my feet. 🙂

      At least the last couple days have been much better. I just try to stay “in the moment,” it helps.

      1. It is hard, likewise for London, I watch house moving tv shows and they are in other parts of the country and when I see the size of a house they can buy that would buy you a small studio in London it makes my heart sink. But then I wouldn’t have London.

      2. What kinda things? Much food should be cheap if it can grow in the climate. I think you have cheaper food in the US, we fly so much in over here which adds to cost. Australia was the most expensive I’ve known, it was shocking how much it cost

      3. Yes, I’m sure fresh food is expensive over there. Anything you have to ship costs double it seems. Sadly, though the US can grow plenty of food, much of our produce comes from South America. Other things are imported too, water, gas, electricity, a lot of ours comes from other states. But as long as the rich get richer all is right in the world, right?

      4. I don’t wonder at the obesity in the US, it’s because we’re all broke trying to buy healthy food, and all we can afford anymore is fast food $1 menus, and we all know how good that is for us.

        Trying to be positive: I’ll eat less, save more. lol

      5. I always thought all food was cheap there, not so? I would say Australia was double the cost of the UK, the exchange rate was largely to blame though. It may be relative for residents there.

        I don’t particularly eat that healthily, many meals I make are my own versions of takeaway food, but I know what goes into them so that makes it healthier to an extent.

        And I do shop around tons of stores where I knw I can get a better deal on specific things. Also important to have a well stocked storecupboard and freezer so you can create something rather than reach for the takeaway menu. It’s nice to have a weekly treat if you are watching what you eat. If I want Indian food I made a batch of a curry sauce which is the base of numerous curry’s, I freeze it in batches then I can make any type of curry form that. For Thai also I freeze up Thai curry paste I whizz up in the blender. For Chinese I mainly cheat and go to the chinese supermarket, it’s full of takeaway owenrs buying all their sauces in giant bottles, and buying all the food in the freezer section. I spent £62 but have a freezer full of gyoza, prawn toasts, spring rolls, spicy squid, pork buns, Siu Mai, smoked chicken.. all in giant bags and will last a fair while. I just pull bits out to steam or deep fry and I have a chinese banquet with a few additional stir fried dishes I make from scratch. You get a takeaway and it will cost £5 for 4 measly spring rolls, I bought 60 fo them for £2.50 at the supermarket. We think the takeaways make it all -they don’t here at least.

        Sorry to rabble on, I can talk food forever.

      6. I see you are a bit of a cook, I can tell. You have some great tips. And I guess it expensive everywhere if you need something like groceries and run out of money, before you have enough, does than make sense?

  4. Hey Linda,
    glad that today is a better day. Hope you use your positive energy to improve your situation. Have you already read “Switch! How to change things when change is hard”?
    Have a better day,

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