This is the first time I am having trouble with writing my blog. I am trying on the Buddhist life and finding it fits pretty well. I am truly taking it seriously and am attending meditation classes at the Kadampa Buddhist Center here in town. I’ve only been three times so far, but I will keep going, at least for now.
Kadampa Buddhism is quite new to me, and it feels like they have a lot of rules. Or maybe it
isn’t this form, but just a deeper understanding. I’m just a little uncomfortable with some of the wording in Geshe Kelsang Gyatso’s books. He uses words like always, never, and commitment. Which sits wrong with me. It feels like religious dogma with strong opinions. There are the 12 commitments to abide by. The teachings at meditation remind me of a priest’s homily. The bowing to the Buddha upon entering the room. The altar with all the flowers and candles. Maybe that’s because all religions find something to revere and honor and set up rules to live by? I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that meditation feels a bit like going to church. After all I think all religions started out as one religion, and changed when it reached certain areas and people made their own interpretation.
The thing is, I don’t feel Buddhism is a religion so much as a way of living your life. We don’t believe in a god. For those of you who don’t know, the Buddha was a mortal prince who searched many years to find happiness and when he found it, he taught others how they also could find happiness. We honor and revere the Buddha, but anyone can (eventually) be a Buddha.
I still haven’t reconciled my ego with my desire to do comedy, or my ego and the way I’ve felt taken advantage of. So that will take some time. I figure the Buddha would approve of someone who wanted to make others happy, even temporarily. The feeling of being taken for granted is a bit harder to reconcile. I shouldn’t care about being noticed for doing everyday things. Yet it leads to feeling taken for granted and a certain amount of anger. The sense of being the unseen maid rather than the matriarch of this family. I cling to the thought that I deserve to be happy too. I don’t know if my ego is too big or too small. My money’s on it’s too small.
Stop concentrating on the destination and enjoy the journey. That should be my mantra.