Getting Out of Bed in the Morning

It’s something I’ve never really liked doing, but manage most days.  The past week or so it’s been hard.  Maybe it’s because it’s still dark in my room now at 7:00 am.  Maybe it’s because I’m cold.  Mostly I think it’s because I have lost my passion.  I’m not excited about getting out of bed.  I have no major plans from one day to the next. Every day, I get up, journal, walk the dog, eat breakfast, do some genealogy or blogging, (reading and writing).  Most afternoons I run errands and take a nap.  Napping seems to be central to most of my days.

On Wednesdays I do Zumba (class starts again this week) and T’ai Chi and volunteer at the dog shelter on Fridays.  It’s a relatively full week.  Especially since after Zumba all I can do is shower and take a nap, so half my day is pretty well gone.  Fridays I’m very busy and have to get up early to eat and walk the dog before T’ai Chi at 8:30, and the shelter at 10 until 2.  Which pretty much wears me out until Sunday.  Maybe I expect too much out of life, or of myself.  Looking at things on paper I’m a busy girl, but it doesn’t feel like I do anything worthwhile.

I’m trying to write, but find my imagination has gone.  I’m no longer interested in the novels I began five years ago.  I could start something new for NaNoWriMo, but my imagination just seems to be dead.  I’d hoped that writing this blog, reading others’ blogs, and journalling I’d have gotten past the block, but it just hasn’t happened.  I’m finding it increasingly difficult to read.  I just can’t maintain interest in anything.  I must’ve started about 5 books in the last six months and don’t think I finished a single one.  Reading has begun to feel like a chore.  I have trouble keeping track of characters and plot lines, and simpler stories don’t hold my attention at all.

I feel like I’ve lost my passion.  Is that something we lose as we grow older?  It sure seems like it.  Does our imagination dwindle as well?  Is it just me?  Do I want too much out of life?  I don’t mean I need daily excitement, because, let’s face it, excitement often means something less than pleasant.

We’ve gotten a years reprieve on the house, so I don’t spend hours looking for places for rent in Seattle.  And my anxiety has eased a little, though I still worry about what will happen at the end of the year.  By next October we are back on our own and even if I find a job, it won’t pay anything near what I was making when we bought the house, and Husband still hopes to retire next May.  So money is a key concern.  I don’t see how we could possibly ever pay our mortgage of $2300 a month, plus HOA fees of another $650, even if we paid off all our creditors (which $3000 won’t even touch.  I really hate worrying about money.  I feel stupid for letting us get into this situation, but everything was manageable while I was working.

Turquoise and garnet ring
Turquoise and garnet ring

Currently we are trying to sell some of the items we inherited from Mom.  About 10 Lladro figurines.  I found a site that prices them out about $3000, but of course that would not be the selling price.  If I was able to sell all the pieces I’d hope to make about $1500.  Husband also has a collection of over 400 LPs we are looking to sell.  If we averaged $4 a piece (and some albums are worth over $20 a piece) we’d still only bring in a little more than $1500.  I’ve started another online store to try to sell my jewelry.  The last site I was using disappeared.  I hadn’t been on it for a month or two and when I tried to sign in, the store just doesn’t come up.

So I like to keep my mind on other things. and I’m finding I just can’t sustain too much interest in things.  Even in politics or world events.  I struggle constantly with the zeal I feel one day and the utter apathy the next.  Just how much change can any one person or group really make?  The US government (and probably governments world wide) is just so corrupt I don’t see much chance for fixing it.  I read a quote recently that said something like: how do we expect to change things if the same people are still in charge?  I continue to sign petitions to make things change, but am doubtful of their effectiveness.

Right now there are a couple different petitions to arrest the GOP leaders who instigated this latest government shutdown.  I really think Ted Cruz and John Boehner should be arrested and charged with treason, but I doubt very much it will ever happen.  The Democrats are just too weak; they don’t want to stoop to the level of the GOP, which is absolutely ludicrous.   They wouldn’t indict Bush on charges of declaring an illegal war, and they still won’t close Guantanamo where people have been held more than 10 years without trial.  You can see where I grow apathetic.

I know I should count my blessings and be happy with where and what I am, but I am always searching for something more.  Maybe it’s me.  Maybe it’s human nature.  I only know I’m tired of swimming in circles and having trouble finding a good reason to get out of bed in the morning.

21 thoughts on “Getting Out of Bed in the Morning

  1. I would guess some of how you’re feeling is getting older… and like the song says .. ” is this all there is my friend”? I find myself looking at the younger generation and seeing the vitality that they have for life… and then ‘feeling old’. But then I say yes I am old but I had the years that they have now…. and now I just need to adapt and try to enjoy the life I have now….. I think for you … it is likely a level of depression, fatigue, the M.S. and the stress you’ve been under this past year. That’s a lot for anyone to handle. So I would say somehow pamper yourself…. be kind to yourself ..don’t worry that you can’t solve the world’s issues, … they will always be there ! Perhaps don’t even watch the world news for awhile. Spend some time at the ocean … and out just away from the house… (and I know I’m not a doctor or any authority on life as I too have my issues right now) but just from another person’s perspective they are my thoughts… take care friend Diane xo

    1. Yes, you are right. Some of this probably is just aging and I’m still fighting against the inevitable. I need to look at the young kids and not feel jealous of their having their lives ahead of me, while I have only memories. I still need to make my peace with my past. It’s just I feel like I missed out on something big by getting married and having my son so young. Regret is huge in my life right now. I thought I was getting better, but the last two days prove I still have a long way to go.

      Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, I know you have an awful lot on your plate right now too.

      1. There are some that I will always want to know what is happening and you are one of those ….whenever is can do so…. I married young as well and I sometimes think of some things I didn’t experience so you’re not alone there… I just hope you start to feel a bit better soon… Diane xo

      2. I went for my pre-op today ….the anesthesiologist was really good in explaining the procedure and what to expect… It’s not going to be easy for a couple of weeks after…but it needs to be done…As for the situation with my daughter I’m in the ‘numb’ stage… where I don’t think I could hurt more than I do… but I need to hold onto hope for the future that things can heal…. Diane

  2. Linda, THANK YOU!!! Thank you for deleting the photograph of Ted Cruz from your post. Now if I can just figure out how to clean my keyboard of what I did when I saw him in your original post!

    1. I really had to think a long time whether to include a picture of that smug jerk. I look forward to seeing him go down. I never thought I would take such pleasure in another person’s fate, but he deserves to be arrested and put in jail for his part in the whole shutdown. Him and Boehner both. Evil, greedy narcissists!

  3. Hmmmm…I guess those are books, not necessarily a Bible, but there’s no mistaking the self-satisfied, arrogant pr*ck with the black, greasy hair. May his political career be as short as….well…you know!

  4. Your politics has hit our head line news as well,, and it really is difficult to understand two things, why another part dictates to the government about its expenditure and two why would they hold a country to ransom knowing the damage nationally it caused and possibly world wide as well, and as said these people should be branded criminals brought to bear. I can see why getting up in the morning can be hard,, I feel the same at times,, but I have come to believe that tomorrow is another day and never know what it may bring. 😉 friend…gerry

    1. I am thinking about giving up paying attention to politics anymore. Too upsetting. My husband doesn’t like me to be involved, he says it gets me too upset and he’s probably right. But then what do I do with my time? lol

  5. this is a tough question. each of us finds our own way to get up each day. i guess i am a bit simple:) most days my passion is just life. of course i have days i look at the clock and think i just can’t do this today and go back to sleep. it isn’t that i don”t have passion it is the degeneration of my heart. your health has much to do with your feelings. on top of that you suffer with depression. even with medication you still have so many real problems. i know this is tough but you have a year to decide if down-sizing is an option. as you say you have a full schedule, but is it activities that bring you satisfaction? maybe get more involved with local politics? maybe teach a course at the local community college. could you do video’s of something that interests you and put them on you-tube? this isn’t about money, really it isn’t, it is about feeling like you are heard and can make a difference. as for money can you use this year to save money and make a move that would bring you some real joy? just some thoughts. i send you big warm hugs and wishes for peace of heart my friend.

    1. Thank you for your invaluable advice. I keep planning to get my comedy perfected and on Youtube. Now is the time to put aside politics for a while, or perhaps I should do comedy about politics. I just don’t feel too passionate about it, and I feel like I should. Maybe at the beginning I just need to push through. I’ve got books full of possible material under my bed.

      I appreciate you taking valuable time from your day to offer me your support It meas so much to me. ((hugs))

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