It’s something I’ve never really liked doing, but manage most days. The past week or so it’s been hard. Maybe it’s because it’s still dark in my room now at 7:00 am. Maybe it’s because I’m cold. Mostly I think it’s because I have lost my passion. I’m not excited about getting out of bed. I have no major plans from one day to the next. Every day, I get up, journal, walk the dog, eat breakfast, do some genealogy or blogging, (reading and writing). Most afternoons I run errands and take a nap. Napping seems to be central to most of my days.
On Wednesdays I do Zumba (class starts again this week) and T’ai Chi and volunteer at the dog shelter on Fridays. It’s a relatively full week. Especially since after Zumba all I can do is shower and take a nap, so half my day is pretty well gone. Fridays I’m very busy and have to get up early to eat and walk the dog before T’ai Chi at 8:30, and the shelter at 10 until 2. Which pretty much wears me out until Sunday. Maybe I expect too much out of life, or of myself. Looking at things on paper I’m a busy girl, but it doesn’t feel like I do anything worthwhile.
I’m trying to write, but find my imagination has gone. I’m no longer interested in the novels I began five years ago. I could start something new for NaNoWriMo, but my imagination just seems to be dead. I’d hoped that writing this blog, reading others’ blogs, and journalling I’d have gotten past the block, but it just hasn’t happened. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to read. I just can’t maintain interest in anything. I must’ve started about 5 books in the last six months and don’t think I finished a single one. Reading has begun to feel like a chore. I have trouble keeping track of characters and plot lines, and simpler stories don’t hold my attention at all.
I feel like I’ve lost my passion. Is that something we lose as we grow older? It sure seems like it. Does our imagination dwindle as well? Is it just me? Do I want too much out of life? I don’t mean I need daily excitement, because, let’s face it, excitement often means something less than pleasant.
We’ve gotten a years reprieve on the house, so I don’t spend hours looking for places for rent in Seattle. And my anxiety has eased a little, though I still worry about what will happen at the end of the year. By next October we are back on our own and even if I find a job, it won’t pay anything near what I was making when we bought the house, and Husband still hopes to retire next May. So money is a key concern. I don’t see how we could possibly ever pay our mortgage of $2300 a month, plus HOA fees of another $650, even if we paid off all our creditors (which $3000 won’t even touch. I really hate worrying about money. I feel stupid for letting us get into this situation, but everything was manageable while I was working.
Currently we are trying to sell some of the items we inherited from Mom. About 10 Lladro figurines. I found a site that prices them out about $3000, but of course that would not be the selling price. If I was able to sell all the pieces I’d hope to make about $1500. Husband also has a collection of over 400 LPs we are looking to sell. If we averaged $4 a piece (and some albums are worth over $20 a piece) we’d still only bring in a little more than $1500. I’ve started another online store to try to sell my jewelry. The last site I was using disappeared. I hadn’t been on it for a month or two and when I tried to sign in, the store just doesn’t come up.
So I like to keep my mind on other things. and I’m finding I just can’t sustain too much interest in things. Even in politics or world events. I struggle constantly with the zeal I feel one day and the utter apathy the next. Just how much change can any one person or group really make? The US government (and probably governments world wide) is just so corrupt I don’t see much chance for fixing it. I read a quote recently that said something like: how do we expect to change things if the same people are still in charge? I continue to sign petitions to make things change, but am doubtful of their effectiveness.
Right now there are a couple different petitions to arrest the GOP leaders who instigated this latest government shutdown. I really think Ted Cruz and John Boehner should be arrested and charged with treason, but I doubt very much it will ever happen. The Democrats are just too weak; they don’t want to stoop to the level of the GOP, which is absolutely ludicrous. They wouldn’t indict Bush on charges of declaring an illegal war, and they still won’t close Guantanamo where people have been held more than 10 years without trial. You can see where I grow apathetic.
I know I should count my blessings and be happy with where and what I am, but I am always searching for something more. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s human nature. I only know I’m tired of swimming in circles and having trouble finding a good reason to get out of bed in the morning.