Well it’s NaNoWriMo week three and I’ve been going gangbusters. I even wrote an outline for the rest of the book. I never use outlines. I’ve done some character sketches, which I’ve never done in the past. I even have the ending worked out. I usually don’t get that far until I’m nearly through writing (my endings are always a weak point). I’ve already edited the first 15000 words or so. Moved some bits here and deleted bits there. Changed names of characters and decided just how many main characters I want. I don’t want as many as those in The Hobbit–all those dwarves! So I’ve got it narrowed down to six major characters and that feels like a suitable amount. 25,000 words and counting! Yay me! I may actually finish this–no–I will finish it, even if I don’t finish in time to qualify for NaNo. I’m excited and feeling pretty energized (even though I am dead tired right now). I even have the threads of a sequel.
Thanks to input from you kind readers and the help of my therapist, I’ve decided not to contact my family. My therapist has me writing them letters, and I’ve finished three. I probably won’t send them, since they won’t really mean anything to my siblings. My son is talking with one sister via Facebook. I think Husband has sent her a message too. I’m afraid to ask if he has asked her to call or anything. Now that I’ve decided I no longer need them in my life. I suppose if she makes an effort to call, I would talk to her, but I doubt it would go any farther. That’s what I discussed with my therapist today. Whether I’d be able to accept the occasional call, dropping of a birthday card, call to wish me Happy Holidays.
But I don’t. I need more than that. I want someone who needs me in their life. To call me just to say hi, not twice a year on my birthday and New Years (which fall within 30 days of each other). I want them to want to visit me. I just have to acknowledge that I want/need more of them than they are apparently capable of giving me. I always have wanted something more from them than I got. I don’t know what would make them change the way they operate after all these years. Sure, I know, I’ve changed a lot and I am not giving them the benefit thinking any of them have changed. It would be hard for them to make room for me in their lives. I can’t really relate to that, but I think I can accept it. Can I exclude myself from all the good and the bad news? I’ve missed knowing those things for more than 20 years–I won’t miss those things any more. Can I live knowing that I won’t know when my mother dies? I think now, not particularly sadly, the answer is yes. I think I have come to accept that my siblings are and never were the family I needed. I always needed more of them. More effort to be a part of my life. An effort they were never willing to make, and I’m sure would be impossible for them at this point. Perhaps I’m wrong. I can live with that. I’ve been wrong before and I’m still in the end finally ok.
I also found out today that I should be getting disability benefits! My lawyer called and said I’ve been approved at the second highest level of review. There is only another cursory check, and he’s never seen anyone be denied after being approved at this point. He also said I’ve received an onset date of December 2011; the date on my first application, which would entitle me to back pay (minus the unemployment). I still can’t believe it. I told my therapist today, I can’t really believe it until I see the acceptance letter. Still I feel a great sense of relief. Not that this will change my financial position any. But it eliminates any questions, gives us security in knowing it won’t run out, like unemployment. At last we can make active decisions as to what to do next.
Washington state is still under consideration. H and I really need some alone together time, and distance from son and grandson. I know the weather up there can be pretty miserable, but if I don’t have to slog to work everyday in the rain, I think I can handle it. It’s just about impossible to live in my beloved California on a fixed income. I also understand I will be eligible for medicare next May, which is the same time Husband has hoped to be able to at least go to part-time work. Anything but driving.
At nearly 53 I am becoming happy and positive about the future for the first time.