Happy Haiku


the unusual

happiness rests strange on her

heart wondrously

 

I have been feeling happy now for about a month, with a few momentary lapses and it truly is a strange feeling.  I don’t trust it and keep waiting for it to end unpleasantly.  I am fearful that feeling as good as I do, I don’t warrant disability.  happy

I spoke with my therapist about it today and she was reassuring and told me that she fully supports me in not working.  She said if I went back to work I would be a mess again in no time.  (Well, she didn’t put it exactly like that.)  That reassured me somewhat.  That’s my big fear right now, to have gotten disability for MS and depression, when neither bothers me much any more.  It’s true, though.  I have been in therapy 3 times in 10 years over depression.  Have been seeing a psychiatrist for 10 years.  I think that she’s absolutely right, going back to a high pressure job would just send me into a tailspin.

So for now I will be happy, and enjoy it.  Perhaps soon I will relish it.

19 thoughts on “Happy Haiku

  1. I think sometimes that some that for example have M.S. much worse than I do… I somehow feel guilty for saying I have it…. you know what I mean?? But just because you may not be as disabled as some,,,, it still has taken it’s toll on your life and health… Diane

    1. I know exactly what you mean. I’m sometimes embarrassed to admit I have MS because I have few visible signs and people just assume I have arthritis. I usually don’t bother to correct them. Otherwise you get into the whole ‘you look so good’ conversation.

      Hope you are well, my friend.

      1. I’m doing okay…. did I tell you… I called my daughter a few days after N.Y. to wish a happy n.y. and she actually answered the phone…we talked ..a bit strained but we did talk…we’ll see ???? Diane xoxo

  2. Feeling guilty in this case is a mechanism of self-sabotage. It’s part of the depressive mindset. Keep that in mind if you’re feeling ‘cured’. I’ve learnt there’s no such thing as a cure. Just cycles of better and worse periods. Enjoying the good ones makes surviving the bad ones easier- so hold on tight to your happiness. I’ve been working on extending the periods of happiness as much as I can. The more you do it, the easier it becomes to do.

    1. I’m realizing that. My bad days, though, are farther and farther apart and the depression not as deep. I am learning to hold onto the happiness tightly, though the fear of going back to how I was is a constant fear. I hope it disappears.

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