WordPress congratulated me on my second year here. It has been one hell of a ride, and just when I think I’ve learned all I can from the blogs I read, I discover something new and interesting. Hanging out here has been helpful on so many levels. It gave me a voice I didn’t think I had. It gave me support I knew I needed but never expected. It gave me friendships, and guidance and a feeling of belonging. For that, I thank you my fellow bloggers and readers and especially those who have commented while I took the journey from working a high level, high pressure secretarial job, to disability and retirement and all that those mean.
I am finally becoming comfortable with being on disability. I found out just this week that I can easily fall back into old habits and ways of thinking. It’s very easy to isolate myself still, which would put me in a very bad position. I had been feeling so up and happy and productive, when I saw my psychiatrist last week he lowered the dose of my Abilify from 2mg to 1mg. This week I started feeling lost and didn’t feel like doing much. I didn’t write, didn’t read, I just want to sleep this week. Maybe it’s got something to do with the end of Zumba and Tai Chi. This session has ended and there is two weeks off before the next one. But I won’t be doing Zumba or Tai Chi any more because of the pain and swelling in my ankles. It has become quite chronic and I worry about doing permanent damage to the ligaments and end up needing to use a cane all the time. An unpleasant thought. I used a cane quite often for a few years and it can be a real pain, but I haven’t needed a cane regularly for about 3 years (outside of when I sprained my ankles last July. I know I’ll need a cane full time eventually, I just don’t want it to be now.
My therapist has encouraged me to take at least one other class though, so we figured I would try the yoga class. I did yoga for 10 years and really got a lot from it, but I haven’t practiced in nearly 15 years. My biggest issue with doing yoga today is the up and down-ness of it. This seated pose, then do this standing pose. It’s gotten so hard to get up off the ground. But my therapist convinced me that it was worth trying and that perhaps in doing I would have less trouble getting off the floor. So I hope there will be room for me in the class. I understand it is very popular and fills up quickly.
I talked a bit with my therapist about my fears and concerns. Last week I was excited about moving and doing new things. This week I feel sad to be losing the friends I have made in my classes. There are some warm and wonderful people and I really enjoyed doing Zumba and especially Tai Chi. I feel like I want to stop volunteering at the animal shelter. I will lose the sense of belonging to these groups. I have wanted to learn Tai Chi since I first saw it being practices probably 35 years ago. To give it up now, when I’m starting to really get the hang of it is very hard. So I’ve been a bit depressed.
Plus I discovered the Buddhist center I’d been attending is considered a cult. The Monk that founded this sect founded it after the other monks stripped him of his monkly (?) duties and forbade him from wearing the saffron robes or to use the honorific “Geshe.” The Dalai Lama has openly disapproves of ‘Geshe’ Kelsang Gyatso and his Tushita Kadampa version of Tibetan Buddhism. It would seem my initial reaction to the center was spot on. I’m glad I took the wait and see attitude before I got too deeply involved. This news depressed me as well, since I was getting something out of attending the meditation classes. Now I won’t go near the place.
But did get some encouragement in my jewelry this week. And that helped me a lot. I even ordered more supplies so I can make some more. I returned to my 2mg dose of Abilify. I’m going to research classes (maybe yoga and Spanish) and Buddhist temples in the city and start looking forward to the move again. I’m trying to find my positive mind frame again.