Anniversary and Other Things

Image WordPress congratulated me on my second year here.  It has been one hell of a ride, and just when I think I’ve learned all I can from the blogs I read, I discover something new and interesting.  Hanging out here has been helpful on so many levels.  It gave me a voice I didn’t think I had.  It gave me support I knew I needed but never expected.  It gave me friendships, and guidance and a feeling of belonging.  For that, I thank you my fellow bloggers and readers and especially those who have commented while I took the journey from working a high level, high pressure secretarial job, to disability and retirement and all that those mean.

I am finally becoming comfortable with being on disability.  I found out just this week that I can easily fall back into old habits and Imageways of thinking.  It’s very easy to isolate myself still, which would put me in a very bad position.  I had been feeling so up and happy and productive, when I saw my psychiatrist last week he lowered the dose of my Abilify from 2mg to 1mg.  This week I started feeling lost and didn’t feel like doing much.  I didn’t write, didn’t read, I just want to sleep this week.  Maybe it’s got something to do with the end of Zumba and Tai Chi.  This session has ended and there is two weeks off before the next one.  But I won’t be doing Zumba or Tai Chi any more because of the pain and swelling in my ankles.  It has become quite chronic and I worry about doing permanent damage to the ligaments and end up needing to use a cane all the time.  An unpleasant thought.  I used a cane quite often for a few years and it can be a real pain, but I haven’t needed a cane regularly for about 3 years (outside of when I sprained my ankles last July.  I know I’ll need a cane full time eventually, I just don’t want it to be now.

Tai Chi

My therapist has encouraged me to take at least one other class though, so we figured I would try the yoga class.  I did yoga for 10 years and really got a lot from it, but I haven’t practiced in nearly 15 years.  My biggest issue with doing yoga today is the up and down-ness of it.  This seated pose, then do this standing pose.  It’s gotten so hard to get up off the ground.  But my therapist convinced me that it was worth trying and that perhaps in doing I would have less trouble getting off the floor.  So I hope there will be room for me in the class.  I understand it is very popular and fills up quickly.

I talked a bit with my therapist about my fears and concerns.  Last week I was excited about moving and doing new things.  This week I feel sad to be losing the friends I have made in my classes.  There are some warm and wonderful people and I really enjoyed doing Zumba and especially Tai Chi.  I feel like I want to stop volunteering at the animal shelter.  I will lose the sense of belonging to these groups.  I have wanted to learn Tai Chi since I first saw it being practices probably 35 years ago.  To give it up now, when I’m starting to really get the hang of it is very hard.  So I’ve been a bit depressed.

Geshe Kelsang Gyatso

Plus I discovered the Buddhist center I’d been attending is considered a cult.  The Monk that founded this sect founded it after the other monks stripped him of his monkly (?) duties and forbade him from wearing the saffron robes or to use the honorific “Geshe.”  The Dalai Lama has openly disapproves of ‘Geshe’ Kelsang Gyatso and his Tushita Kadampa version of Tibetan Buddhism.  It would seem my initial reaction to the center was spot on.  I’m glad I took the wait and see attitude before I got too deeply involved.  This news depressed me as well, since I was getting something out of attending the meditation classes.  Now I won’t go near the place.

So all these things converged on me this week: my ankle problems, losing Zumba and Tai Chi, losing my Buddhist outlet, combined with the lowering of Abilify, I’m struggling. DSC09600

But did get some encouragement in my jewelry this week.  And that helped me a lot.  I even ordered more supplies so I can make some more.  I returned to my 2mg dose of Abilify.  I’m going to research classes (maybe yoga and Spanish) and Buddhist temples in the city and start looking forward to the move again.  I’m trying to find my positive mind frame again.

27 thoughts on “Anniversary and Other Things

  1. You’ve had a lot of changes … but I hope once you’ve had time to adjust… you’ll find a way to utilize the time you spent on Zumba and Tai Chi.. for example doing something else you your jewellery, and writing for example… And of course you’re still planning for your move I would think… So, what happened with your jewellery? Diane

    1. Yes, I think taking yoga will fill my need to be with other people, and looking for somewhere to maybe learn Spanish. I graduated high school speaking fair Spanish, and understanding almost fluently. Soon after high school I was living in LA with plenty of Spanish speaking people, but never had the opportunity to use mine. After 35 years I’m really rusty.

      I’m still working on my jewelry. I have two people interested in buying a piece, so that’s something. I ordered more supplies and will be making more soon.

      Unfortunately I am stymied on my novel currently, though I plan to work on it this weekend after I print out the 100 pages I’ve got so far.

      And how are you doing lately?

    1. Thank you. I did find a new place for meditation down in the city where we will be moving and I’m excited about going there soon.

      I’ll be signing up for yoga next week. And looking forward to getting back into it. Maybe after a break of 2 months or so I can try Tai Chi again.

      1. I had a really bad couple of days where I wanted to totally give up in every way – climbing out of the hole again today – argh!

      2. We’re here to support you too! You are dealing with so much with Ants health and Ming’s troubles. Always remember: One thing at a time. And don’t worry about tomorrow, it just ruins today. Sending you much love and thoughts of strength to you. ❤

  2. Advice is cheap…and well worth the price. But…perhaps a partial solution is to decrease your ACTIVE participation in your various interests. As an example, if you allot 20 hours a week to hobbies/recreation/interests, you could parcel out the hours in a 10-5-5 distribution, or similar for your “Big Three” interests. Just a thought, but I KNOW the problem all too well, usually spending my free hours enjoying no fewer than ten hobbies, three of which I have actively pursued for over 50 years. The other seven are not “fixed,” so I may introduce a new hobby from time to time, and cycling one out to make room for it. Just a thought…My best wishes for your happiness and contentment in this new phase of your life. — Ron —

    1. I’m trying to do that, but find I am not self-disciplined enough to stay off WP reading and commenting and posting. I have a two week break before I start yoga, and I will only be taking that, so I have a lot more free time. I did get about 1000 words written of my novel today. So I’m going to take this opportunity to try to ‘catch up’ on my writing and put myself on a schedule. I greatly appreciate your advice. I can easily get overwhelmed with all I take on.

  3. Congratulations on two years!! WOW! I am glad blogging has been a positive experience for you. I am also on disability and it can get lonely. You seem to get out there a lot more than I do and for that I am very pleased – for you! BTW, can’t wait for my ring! 🙂

  4. Appletonavenue, please pardon me… I know – absolutely know – I posted a comment from my dumbphone but it doesn’t show. I had written that I am sorry you had that encounter with your Buddhist outlet. Improprieties exist in any way, shape or form. While I am not a devout Buddhist by any means, it is a nice philosophy to follow. It is also a peaceful one. I hope you find a good temple to participate in…

  5. I tried yoga after finding out about it from the local MS chapter, but… I really didn’t like studio yoga culture. I have tried to get into tai chi but it seems like finding classes is very elusive here, especially ones I can afford. For now, I’ve done instructional DVDs.

    1. I really enjoyed Tai Chi and was learning the Long Form (108 moves) and was just getting the hang of things. I haven’t signed up for classes yet. I just don’t want to do yoga.

      I’ve looked into Tai Chi in the city we will be moving to, but so far find none that offer the 108, so I will probably change to the 24; which after working on the 108, should be easier to conquer. There is a local class for that.

      1. Ah yes, the Yang style, right? There is someone here that does Chen style, but I couldn’t afford $80/month and I wasn’t quite sure what to make of the “Christian counseling” side of the studio. For the record, I read of your concerns about organized religion– that isn’t what bothers me– but it’s the potential of other clashes, as I am LDS/Mormon. People are very laid back about personal beliefs here but you never know.

      2. An odd mix Tai Chi and ‘Christian Counseling’. I’m glad you don’t take offense at my stand on Christianity. I am learning to be more tolerant. If it works for you, that’s wonderful. Who am I to say what is ‘right’ for someone else?

      3. Yeah, I’m not offended. I’ve known enough people that have been burned by church– by way of family, friends, whatever– that I think I have a fair idea where you might be coming from.

        Yep, there was something about the mix that seemed odd to me. Not because of the juxtaposition of Taoism and Christianity necessarily– I am a member of the LDS (Mormon) Church, but I also consider myself a philosophical Taoist. We’re pretty laid back here in Washington State, even on the eastern side, but I guess it’s just that I’m not sure what interpretation of Christianity the instructor adheres to. Plus, I called him to ask questions, and we didn’t seem to “click”, I guess.

      4. Right. “Christianity” means something different to every one. I met a Christian Zen Buddhist once. He was a very kind man. If I’d had the chance, he probably could have taught me a lot. But he retired soon after we met and moved away.

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