Son remains off the wagon today, despite my and husband’s attempts to reason with him. We’ve planned on getting him set up with his own place when we move, but with the understanding that he remain clean and sober. Thought I got through to him yesterday. I’m not sure if he’s still on whatever shit he’s been taking, or this is residual or schizophrenia. I thought I was handling things well, but today I question everything I’ve said and done in the last two weeks. I am beside myself with grief and self recriminations today. I can’t figure out what uppers he’s taking, or where he’s hiding them. I don’t want to have to kick him out! I don’t want to have a big raging argument! I don’t want him to lie to us anymore. I don’t want to remain ignorant and blind to his self-destructive behavior.
Our conversations today have gone like this:
Son: “I almost yelled at one of the students when picking up son.”
Me: “Really, why?”
Son: utter silence as if I’d not said anything.
later he told me:
“The kids are dressing up on the computer.”
When I explained that statement needed some elaboration, I got no response.
Still later, he was watching Cosmos. They were discussing DNA and genetic codes.
Son: “You know that drink they had the women drink? You know what I mean? That drink.”
Me: “I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.”
Is he still taking something or has he done brain damage to himself? The last two days he’s cleaned the house top to bottom, then was falling asleep (passing out?) at the dinner table.
I’m frightened, angry, and heart-broken. I’m having a tough time today and blame myself for all of it. I was good yesterday, telling myself that he will face the consequences of his actions by being arrested for DUI, but somehow he was able to get about town. Today too.
When I first got home from the shelter today he seemed back to almost his normal self, then he took this dramatic down turn and started speaking in incomplete and incoherent snippets. Perhaps he took something after I got home. Probably.
I just went through his drawers and found two bottles of alcohol. That doesn’t explain all of it, but certainly part of it. I’ve placed the bottles on the table and now am waiting for him to come out of the shower. I don’t know what I’ll say, or how he’ll react.
All because he had words with his uncle? Of all the people who shouldn’t take up that much space in his head, it’s his uncle. I hate that he’s drinking again, and afraid he’s still doing something else. Because the alcohol doesn’t explain the manic cleaning binge he’s been on the last three days.
He’s coming out of the bathroom now. I wonder how it will go?