Don’t Even Know What to Say

Son remains off the wagon today, despite my and husband’s attempts to reason with him.  We’ve planned on getting him set up with his own place when we move, but with the understanding that he remain clean and sober.  Thought I got through to him yesterday.  I’m not sure if he’s still on whatever shit he’s been taking, or this is residual or schizophrenia.  I thought I was handling things well, but today I question everything I’ve said and done in the last two weeks.  I am beside myself with grief and self recriminations today.  I can’t figure out what uppers he’s taking, or where he’s hiding them. I don’t want to have to kick him out!  I don’t want to have a big raging argument!  I don’t want him to lie to us anymore.  I don’t want to remain ignorant and blind to his self-destructive behavior.

Our conversations today have gone like this:

Son:  “I almost yelled at one of the students when picking up son.”

Me:  “Really, why?”

Son: utter silence as if I’d not said anything.

later he told me:

“The kids are dressing up on the computer.”

When I explained that statement needed some elaboration, I got no response.

Still later, he was watching Cosmos.  They were discussing DNA and genetic codes.

Son:  “You know that drink they had the women drink?  You know what I mean?  That drink.”

Me:  “I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.”

Son:  silence.

Is he still taking something or has he done brain damage to himself?  The last two days he’s cleaned the house top to bottom, then was falling asleep (passing out?) at the dinner table.

I’m frightened, angry, and heart-broken.  I’m having a tough time today and blame myself for all of it.  I was good yesterday, telling myself that he will face the consequences of his actions by being arrested for DUI, but somehow he was able to get about town.  Today too.

When I first got home from the shelter today he seemed back to almost his normal self, then he took this dramatic down turn and started speaking in incomplete and incoherent snippets.  Perhaps he took something after I got home.  Probably.

I just went through his drawers and found two bottles of alcohol.  That doesn’t explain all of it, but certainly part of it.  I’ve placed the bottles on the table and now am waiting for him to come out of the shower.  I don’t know what I’ll say, or how he’ll react.

All because he had words with his uncle?  Of all the people who shouldn’t take up that much space in his head, it’s his uncle.  I hate that he’s drinking again, and afraid he’s still doing something else.  Because the alcohol doesn’t explain the manic cleaning binge he’s been on the last three days.

He’s coming out of the bathroom now.  I wonder how it will go?


16 thoughts on “Don’t Even Know What to Say

  1. I wouldn’t begin to even attempt to advise you what to do. He does need help though as you well know. I hope you’re able to somehow get through to him. … Thinking of you…note… Do not take responsibility for what he has done. It’s squarely on his shoulders…. Diane xo

  2. If your son has schizophrenia or has destroyed himself with drugs, then he needs daily medication just to function. And with medication he will feel so good, that now he does not need it any longer, because he feels good. Then he will need someone to take care, that he takes his medication daily for lifetime.
    You need to remember not to be responsable for his way to act, it is only him, who needs to learn that.
    Send you my best wishes 🙂

  3. My 16 year old niece is having to cope with her mother who has schizophrenia, she has not taken her meds for 3 weeks saying that the meds will harm her. On Tuesday morning when my niece was leaving to go to school (her exams begin in a few weeks) her mother violently attacked her. I wish I lived nearer so that I could help my niece she does not deserve this. The police and mental health people have been called in but as far as I am aware my ex sister in law is still at home with only her daughter to watch out for her. I believe my brother has taken his daughter in, but I know she will go back to her mother because she feels she has to.

    My husband was promised help from the hospital to get him off alcohol but nothing is happening yet.

    I feel your pain, all I can do is offer a cyber shoulder to cry on. Above all else you must look after your own health. x

    1. Thank you for your kind words. Addiction is truly a horrible disease and so easy to fall back into when things get tough. It hurts to watch him destroy his life, but I am at a place where I know I can do nothing to help him, except offer him my support should he want it.

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