Too Much

There’s too much in my head right now.  The holidays bring with them a melancholy feeling of loss.  I need to get things klutzdone to sell the house.  I’m recovering from (another) fall.  This time falling flat on my ass causing severe pain shooting through my arms and legs when I moved.  Still hurts after five days, but I can move a bit easier, but not easy enough to practice my karate.  I’m such a klutz!  As I get older it concerns me.  Son has taken up with his first girlfriend who recently had to move back into the area to care for her parents.  I only hope she doesn’t break his heart again, and files for divorce from her current ass of an abusive husband.  I don’t think he could take it.  I’m hoping that she can give him the motivation to finally get his act together.

Actually had a cry over the loss of my family today.  I haven’t been on Facebook much lately.  But I am connected to a brother and three of my sisters, and I checked in today, only to come away today feeling how little I have in common with them.  My sister A is a lifer in the Army.  She and the rest of the family are staunch gun-toting Christian Conservatives who want to put “God back in thMeno Falls Housee schools”, and support any wars we are  fighting.  How can you be a stout soldier holding up the values of the country, and not know that the central idea behind our Constitution is not forcing a religion upon it’s citizens?  Blows my mind.  And it makes me sad.  I don’t mind entirely that the family is conservative, but it makes me feel like such an outsider.  Isn’t that stupid?  They never respond to any of my comments, so we can never enter into a sensible debate, but seem to just quietly ignore me.  It will be quite a while before I check in on Facebook again.  I sure don’t get anything out of it.

Then there’s the house situation.  I am absolutely not motivated to move on this.  We still need to meet with the realtor to sign papers to get the house listed, and clean the place up.  It shouldn’t cost that much, but I’m not inclined to do much to the place just to make it easier for the bank to sell.  Still I’ve gathered all the documents the bank wants, I may as well send it in.  I suppose I’ll drive up next week, sign the docs with the realtor and make arrangements for someone to clean the place up.  It won’t be much more than hauling away the old stuff.  We had to turn off the water to the place because something broke in the laundry when we removed the washer, and water came spewing out of the wall.  The biggest deal with the house that I want is once we sign the listing papers, and the bank has the documents they need, I won’t have to do anything else.  I just want to take this off my mental list of shit to worry about.

KarateThen there’s the karate.  I just can’t seem to discipline myself enough to practice.  I’ve already been hurt in class because we practice on a tile floor, and I’m just drenched in sweat that even the bottoms of my feet are wet.  I’ve slipped and fallen twice, taking serious bruising.  Then a few weeks ago the balls of my feet started to really hurt.  Looks like metatarsalgia (toe bone pain) Sensei pushes us so fast.  Some of us have only been doing this for two months, and he’s testing for belts this weekend!  Of course, I am not testing.  There is no way I am ready.  I really enjoy the Karate when I do it, there is so much to learn and I’ve got the rest of my life to learn it, so I’m in no rush to make black belt.  I think the self control of learning would be a good habit to obtain, yet I can’t seem to get my ass in gear!  Why can’t I get motivated?  Am I content?  Would I be having this debate if I was?  I really want to learn a martial art.  Maybe this Sensei’s teaching techniques are just not the right way for me.  He doesn’t really show us any of the punches or blocks in detail.  Suddenly, he just has us doing them.  Maybe this is how all Dojos are run, but I imagine I will find many different training techniques.  Maybe all I need to do is switch teachers?

Been spending a lot of time on the family genealogy.  I even made some family (distant) connections.  Funny, over the Ancestrypast couple of years I’ve talked more with cousins I have never met than with my siblings.  I even made contact with one of my last two remaining aunts.  She is the keeper of my Dad’s family’s bible.  She may know some things about the family that I don’t.  I’ve got her phone number, and could call her any time, but have been afraid, what with the split in the family.  Still I should call her.  She gave me her number and said to call, so what am I afraid of?  What’s the worst that could happen?  She doesn’t remember me and doesn’t want to talk?  Nothing ventured nothing gained, right? offers DNA testing, and so we had Husband’s tested.  The results were interesting, but very incomplete.  The only information we found was all on his mother’s side.  His Dad’s side, the side with the myths and mysteries, got zero hits with other test-ees.  We’re hoping that as more people on Ancestry request the DNA testing that he may find some connections on that side.

I hope all you Americans enjoyed your Thanksgiving.  I am thankful that I am healthy and content.  I am thankful my son has gotten in touch with old friends and spent Thanksgiving with one of them.

7 thoughts on “Too Much

  1. You’re still keeping busy I see… karate etc. but you need to really be careful (as if you don’t know) I’m sorry about your family not acknowledging you… that is hurtful. It’ll be good when you get the house thing straightened out less thing to worry about. Anyway take care… Diane

  2. You amaze me with how well you cope with so my busyness. It sounds exhausting. I hope the girlfriend situation works out for your son – keeping my fingers crossed!

  3. it is quite within the normal range to have this list of things you want to do. i found in the transition from someone who was on the go constantly to being lucky if i have 2 hours of limited mobility very difficult. even knowing medically that what i want to do is not possible there is still a part of me that thinks maybe if i started very slowly i could do this or that in time.

    once you are able to let go of the house, your son is more settled (or you come to peace with his choices) you will be able to set more reasonable goals and obtain them. that is so important to us all. if we set goals we can’t meet then we just set ourselves up for failure and that is not healthy.

    as for family, we all have those people:) one sister i don’t bother with except a text about every two weeks, my family that i married in to is very right wing and often on Facebook my son-in-law not posts these ridiculous lies but makes snarky comments about the ones that i occasionally post. i keep reminding him that we are not going to change each others mind so let’s just find common ground and let the other stuff go. i don’t care if they agree with my way of life and belief system. they have a right to believe as they do and so do i.

    just hope that you find some peace of mind and start being kinder and gentler to yourself, you deserve it.

    1. Thank you for your comments. Your ‘advice’ is always welcome.

      I guess the thing about not having anything in common with my family feeds that old feeling that I never belonged. Best to just put them behind me and hope they are happy.

      Son continues to look for work, and has been staying sober (as far as I can tell).

      I’m trying not to be too hard on myself. Thanks for your support.

  4. Oh, my friend, I can relate to so much of this and I have nothing to say but “I get it.” The family stuff, the motivation stuff, worrying about my health and my child. You are a good woman and I’m glad to know you. Big hugs. ❤

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