Worse Today

I can’t stop crying.  Son is having fits lately on a daily basis.  His anger is so disturbing to me, I can’t even be around him.  I am suddenly so miserable and sad.  I see no end to Son’s suffering, and therefore, my own.

InsuranceHe’s been uninsured for 5 years now and his depression and other health issues have only gotten worse.  His anger simmers just below the surface and it takes almost nothing to send him into a rage; though rage is a bit too strong a word.  I’m afraid to talk to him, because he only gets angry and defensive.  When I try to talk to him when he’s feeling good, it makes him angry and upset.  If I try to talk to him when he’s angry, well, it’s not a good idea.

This dance is wearing me down again.  I don’t know why but my depression is suddenly flared up.  Is it caused by the Tecfidera?  It seems I was dealing well with all this and not letting it affect me, until the past three months–since I started the Tecfidera.

Son has an appointment with a new doctor, but he just came home.  I cannot believe the way he has been jerked around.  Before ObamaCare, there was no way he could afford insurance.  Then when he applied for Obamacare he was denied coverage because he had no income and therefore determined he should be covered by Medi-Cal or Medicare.  Not that they helped him to follow up on that.  So we then applied for both.  That was two years ago.  He finally got coverage effective Sept. 1 this year!  He’s seen two doctors and been to the ER once already this month.  At least the ER doctor was convinced he wasn’t just seeking drugs but did indeed have a serious issue with his back, very likely he has some bulging disc or worse.  He actually examined Son.  The first time anyone has actually examined him physically.  That doctor recommended he see his GP and get scheduled for an MRI.  Unfortunately, Medi-Cal is unpredictable, and he was told when he went in for his appointment this morning (which he made yesterday) that they no longer accept Medi-Cal.  Apparently, that doctor he had an appointment with left that office.  (No one mentioned that when the appointment was made.)  He can see the doc, but not until December!ER

Just what the hell are we supposed to do here?  The ER people have him pegged as a drug seeker, and there doesn’t seem to be a doctor who cares.  I am beside myself in anger and disgust at the way he has been (mis)treated.  How can he get pain relief when no one will properly examine him to determine the problem.  He doesn’t want drugs, he wants pain relief.  He doesn’t want medication, but he needs something for anxiety and depression.  Again, though he can’t find a doctor to treat him like a human being.

God I so hate insurance companies.  It’s not the doctors, it’s the fucking insurance companies who bounce people around and jerk them about, and lie, and delay and create more problems for people who are already ill.  I fucking HATE insurance companies!  They don’t see people at all, only profits…at the expense of people’s health and well being.

DI buttonsI can no longer live this way, I can’t help him.  I can’t ease his pain, and I can’t live with the frustration and anger, yet I can’t abandon my son.  I’ve an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon.  He’s probably going to increase my meds, or maybe I should ask him for Xanax or something.  Today however, I plan to stay in bed and cry and hopefully sleep the day away.  I may try to do some journaling as well.  Later, after I nap.

7 thoughts on “Worse Today

  1. You really can’t live under that tension. You may not feel like you can abandon your son, but ‘only my opinion’ you can lay some ground rules for him. Either he controls his anger around you or he’ll have to make other arrangements….or you’ll be in the hospital! He simply cannot behave as he is. He’s old enough Linda ..not a child anymore who has a temper tantrum but he’s continuing because he knows you don’t want to push him out. If you were married to someone who acted like that you wouldn’t accept it. I know being a mother how tough it is, but it can’t go on. (I’m sorry for giving unasked for advice’ but you’re my friend and if I was living near to you and speaking directly that’s what I would say.

    As far as his medical issue. Is there any way that you would know the name of the doctor that did actually examine him in emergency and could somehow find out when he was on again… ie call hospital and ask who’s on that day? Maybe he would temporarily give him something for the pain until he can actually see the other doctor. Just a thought. … anyway take care Diane xx

  2. i am so sorry you and your family is going through this. wish i had some advise or insight that could make it all better for you. just know that i am thinking of you and send love and light to you and yours.

    1. Thank you for your kind words. We’ve all talked about the anger issue and didn’t get far, but it’s a start.

      I am always so touched that you take some of your precious time to visit my blog. You are a beautiful and giving person.

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