I need a prescription for Xanax or Valium or some sort of anti-anxiety drug. Not that my docs agree, of course. My emotional stability is of no concern to them. Only my physical being. That pretty much includes my shrink. It is so hard to find a psychiatrist. It is a very personal decision, picking a doctor. When your insurance doesn’t provide you with options, however, you are basically screwed.
So my shrink is merely a drug pusher, merely refilling the ones I have and making sure I check in every three months. I have seen at least three crappy psychiatrists, and one great one. I’ve had four therapists. Two were pretty good, one was downright a waste of my time, my last one was absolutely the best. Guess that’s why I’m so picky. I know what a good therapist can do, and I know that a poor therapist at a minimum will not help you, and a bad therapist can seriously hurt you. Again, my insurance only provides one therapist to choose from. I met with him once, and am pretty unsure about him. Don’t know that I really need one. Still after my breakdown last week, I’m not sure.
So I am stumbling through this emotional minefield on my own, my poor family unable to help me. Except husband has a script for Xanax and he demands I take them from time to time, like today. I’ve been sort of snappish. Actually, I’ve been snappish for the past couple months. Moody, depressed, angry, anxious, and a bit pissy with my reactions.
Of course, the reason for my moodiness is one of so many things, it’s hard to know where the root problem is. I suppose it’s menopause, but I’m not convinced it isn’t due to the change in one prescription, and the addition of two new ones. I haven’t had time to check all of my meds for emotional side effects, but I’m working on it.
Meanwhile, just to keep the rest of the family from hiding from me, or vice versa, I’ll continue to self-medicate with Husband’s Xanax. At least until something changes. Which it might, since it is enrollment time with my insurance and medicare, so who knows what kinds of changes will be coming my way. Trying very hard to be Buddhist about it. Trying to just let things go. I work on believing that everything happens as it should and nothing is permanent, not even the US.
I struggle trying to balance my love of Bernie Sanders and hope for his election, and even plan to go watch the upcoming Democratic debate. Part of me feels this is so important. So integral to what is wrong with the US government, and putting my hope in Bernie Sanders. Though the cynic in me believes no such thing.
When my Buddhist side kicks in and I wonder; will anything I do really make any difference in the greater scheme of things? Even if by some miracle Bernie gets elected, do I really think he can face the Regressives in Congress and make any real changes?
I can feel a political rant coming on, but to what end?
Congress has been thwarting every Democratic move for each Democratic president we have had for the last 15 years. Will our next Democratic president, regardless of who they are, actually be strong enough to kick the Kochs and the rest of the corporations out of politics? Will he/she ever be able make churches pay taxes? And what about the voting laws changing in the South East US, basically stopping people from being able to vote because they have no proper ID, and then close all the government offices that handle IDs in the area. The people in the south have been so manipulated and kept so uneducated, they have little chance of making any change on their own. Sort of leaves you wondering? Just as in the Sixties we had to stage protests and strikes and sit-ins. Peaceful resistance. Am I using my Buddhist mindset just to stay uninvolved? I suppose a lot of people would see that as a cop-out.