Feeling Negative

I’ve been feeling rather negative lately.  Perhaps I am depressed about my back, which causes me pain daily for the past 6 months.  Standing at the sink for the15 minutes to do the dishes and my back is screaming for me to lay flat, or at least sit down.  The doctors do not seem overly concerned.  The last appointments I had with all three of my docs I felt I was dismissed.  They all said, ‘see you in # months’.  Made it sound like an order.

My back is causing me not to do things, like walk, though I can last longer than standing still for some odd reason.

Beach yoga
Beach yoga

Some days I can walk an hour before it starts to ache.  But at night, doing the cooking and washing after, I’m in pain.  I keep trying to get to yoga and tai chi, but the timing just never seems to work out.  I’m thinking about making up a schedule and promising myself I will keep to it no matter what for the month of November.  I know that’s a lofty goal: Committing to improve my health.

I do have to.  Improve my health and that of my family.  We had all promised (many times, very many times) to eat better, treat our bodies like the temples they are.  Love our bodies as much as a spouse or child.  If we loved our bodies would we treat them better?  We seem unable, individually or as a group, to eat a more balanced diet.  We are addicted to sugar.  Most people are to some degree.  But today I ate an entire 1 lb bag of candy corn.  I had been angry at Husband when I bought it.  So instead of sharing this treat, I devoured it in secret throughout the day.  Yikes!  If that’s not a sign I need to change, I don’t know what is.  I’ve been doing things like that a lot lately.  Buying candy bars on the sly when off shopping by myself, then go out for an ice cream with Husband that night.

I’ve lost weight, mostly because I just don’t find anything very appealing about food lately.  I can go days without feeling hungry.  I want to keep the weight off, but by improving my diet.  Coincidentally, the liver doc told us sugar has been shown to be more addictive than heroin.  Scary right?  I’m a living example of a sugar junkie:  using excuses to justify eating a chocolate, lying to people about it, hiding my binging from family.

My nemesis

I must take better care of myself, but lately I just don’t care.  If I were a day, I’d be chilly, damp and overcast.  The sort of day that won’t necessarily stop you from doing the things you have to, but nasty enough not to do things outdoors that you might want to do.  Like picnic.

They say the first step to beating addiction is admitting you have a problem.  And I honestly do.  I seem unable to stop myself from eating nothing but what’s bad for me in every way.  And I so don’t want to give it up.  But I’m promising myself, and using this blog to hold myself to it, the month of November will be my test, but I will try not to put anything in my mouth that is not healthy for me starting now.  I tell myself, I would do these things if I had cancer, right?  That’s what you do when your life is threatened.  Start taking better care of yourself.  Why invite cancer into my life by sabotaging my own health?  Why wait for a fatal diagnosis?

12 thoughts on “Feeling Negative

  1. It’s a good thing to do of course, but I would just caution that you don’t ‘over examine’ everything that goes into your mouth, or you won’t eat much… Maybe start with cutting back… but that’s just my thoughts.. you may want to do the ‘cold turkey’ method… Diane

    1. I’ve been trying to limit myself, but it seems I’ve increased my sugar intake a lot in the past year. I agree with you, I think for me, cold turkey would be best. It’s not as if I’ll have withdrawals, right? I know I won’t be able to eliminate all sugar, but I want to stop adding unnecessary sugar to my diet.

  2. Maybe you should exchange the bad sugar with fruit, which also contains sugar, just not as bad. You could try to clean some carrots daily, place them in water with a little lemon juice and in the fridge. Easy to take and great for the body, when you feel the need for something.

  3. You do realize we’re all going to die of something, right? I have a working theory that at the very least I’m going to die having gotten a whole lot of pleasure out of everything I genuinely enjoy. I indulge in wine and cigarillos regularly. It’s my thing. Spending 70 years not doing what I want so I can live an extra 5 years also not doing what I want seems counterproductive- at least to the way I see the world 🙂

      1. The ‘living the longest possible life’ ideology is silly, if not stupid. Life only really feels worthwhile when we get to feel that extra something. When I sit down at 6pm to have my cigarillo and my glass of wine- that’s glorious. The rare occasion when I have foie-gras, also glorious. Enjoy the damn candy corn. This life is what we’ve got. People keep pushing on other people they’re idea of an ideal life, and it’s rubbish.
        I don’t wan to be an 80 year old man who does marathons. I don’t even want to be in a marathon now that I’m 37. Certainly not later. I just want to have a nice time doing things that make me happy. And if that means I don’t live up to other people’s expectations, that’s okay. They probably don’t live up to mine either because I’d rather eat my own liver than live a life of licking lettuce leaves and drinking cucumber water while waking up at 5am to pedal on a bike that’s not actually going anywhere 🙂

  4. Thanks so much for your input. It’s always a unique view and I cherish that. I agree with you, and I will try not to be so hard on myself when I eat cake for breakfast. Everything in moderation, and I’m likely to live at least til my 70s. And that’s old enough for me. I don’t need to live to 100, spending the preceding 20 years in a nursing home.

  5. What a good idea, and so brave to announce your plans on your blog. “To keep me honest,” I might say. For the strangest reason, I gain weight every single time I try to diet, so I never say I’m on a diet, and I just quietly trick my body into doing healthier things. Whatever your best method is, I hope you find your way to healthier living. It will definitely improve your mood to put the good stuff in, and take the treats, as you say, in moderation. I completely agree with Diane that the cold turkey method might be setting yourself up for a crash.

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