Ack!

I’m spending 2 out of 5 days unable to get out of bed because of depression from watching D. Trump destroy our country.

I blame those who voted for him.

I blame the Electoral Collage, which should have saved us from this fate!

I blame the GOP for goading him on.

I blame Congress for allowing the chaos to overwhelm the WH.

I blame Trump’s father.  He must’ve been some kind of monster to have destroyed DT’s mind and stunted him at about age 5. I think his short attention span, his ability to rationalize, his lack of empathy, his need to bully, his “mine, mine, me, me” attitude, and his vocabulary all put him at about 5 years old.

Why is a 5 year old running (ruining) my country?

Washington: FIX THIS! I can feel the revolution bubbling now.

Recovery – Day Five

He’s not coming out of it like usual. I swear he’s becoming delusional. And I know delusional and how difficult it is to get along with them. To avoid conflict you have to buy into their delusion. It’s especially hard to do when the delusions change from day to day.

Every day he tells me something that’s just plain wrong:

“We watched that show together.” Except we did not watch that show together.

“Where’s the leftover chicken from last night?” We hadn’t had chicken in several days. Is this a problem with keeping track of the days? It doesn’t seem so, because he insists we had roast chicken the night before and doesn’t understand why I would deny it. You would think logic would come into play, but no.

“Can you print something for me?” I do. Then I give him the papers and he says, “I didn’t ask you to print that.” This in a span of 15 minutes.

He is so convinced that what he remembers is real and what we remember is just wrong. I ask him, “Why would I lie about that?” Not to mention, he knows I have never lied to him.

Every day he has a new problem with his computer or tv. One day it won’t turn on at all. The next day he has no volume control, etc. He’ll get each issue fixed and a few hours later it’s another problem. I’m not sure there is ever anything wrong. It’s impossible to know. He won’t leave it alone long enough for you to really help. Near as I can figure, he hallucinates that there is a problem and starts to unplug and turn things off. But I have to go in his room and look at all the wires and figure out what he’d disconnected.

I’m supposed to go with him to the doctor today. He’s talked about it all week. Now this morning he doesn’t want me there and doesn’t want to give me permission to talk to the therapist at all. I told him if he wanted his dad and me to be able to help him, he’d give his permission. Now he’s in his room, ruminating on why we are so mean and demanding.

It is 11:40AM and I’m arguing with Son about it. He’s telling me we should get going if we’re going to make it on time. I thought the appointment was at 1. He says yes, but it’s 12:40 and I have to repeat it is not. Now he’s upset again and hiding in his room. I’m looking forward to the ride to the doc. God know if I’ll even get to say anything once I’m there. Probably a total waste of time, but I’ve got to try. They need to at least understand that the situation at home is barely tenable. We need help to understand, and they are not getting a complete picture of the situation.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!

 

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggedy…Fuck

Son was very angry when we brought him home yesterday. He said some nasty things to and about both his dad and me. It was almost more than I could stand. At one point I told him that if he felt that unwelcome and cared so little for us and what we have done for him he’d best get with his social worker to find him a job and somewhere to live.

This is a hard thing on any family, but somehow it feels a bit more cruel since Son is a man not a child, and yet when he has these episodes it is like caring for a three year old. You have to stay up if he’s up because you don’t know what he’ll do. I no longer have that sort of mental or physical stamina.

I am now able to see these flair ups coming. Unfortunately, I don’t know of any way to stop their progress. Son has not been too good about hearing me, but when he starts getting manic it’s like he’s completely deaf. He can’t sit still and paces. If I ask him to sit he goes off and paces outside. He starts projects all over the house, but never goes back to finish. Makes it impossible for anyone else to function in the house because you can’t get away from him. Like a three year old tugging at your leg, screaming “mama! mama! mama!” like some kind of mantra.

I watch as each day is a little worse than the previous. He becomes depressed and manic, which then turns into anger and destruction; throwing things, pulling things out of his closet and dresser and tossing them about. Again, you still cannot talk to him in this state. All I can do is sit back and wait for him to get into a full blown psychosis and take him to the hospital. They won’t admit him if I bring him in before he hits this level. He’s got to be completely out of his head before they admit him. Son has visited the ER 15 times since August 2014. Twelve of those visits he was hospitalized.

The only thing Son gets out of it is a dose of a mixture of Xanax, Benedryl and something else which calms him down. Son really doesn’t get much from his stay. Almost no counseling, a 5 minute interview with a psychiatrist, a meal and a bed. And the only thing his dad and I get out of his 72 hour stays, is a little peace and quiet, and a chance to catch up on lost sleep. So really they are a waste of everyone’s time and money. Now, if I could have a syringe full of that Xanax mixture, maybe I could calm him down before he ends up in the hospital.

I’m learning as I go and trying to find the best resources and be an advocate, but it appears I learn very slowly anymore. Maybe if I push the idea on the mental health community, that we all suffer when a loved one is afflicted with a debilitating disease, and the entire family needs to be involved in the therapy.

They need to agree on new criteria for 72 hour holds. Once drugs and alcohol are ruled out as possible reasons for odd behavior, someone should speak not just to the patient, but their family. During Son’s BPD flair he will give misinformation that the hospital cannot verify. I don’t know what sort of information he is providing to his doctors. He will talk about a hallucination as if it were real, and if no one is there to tell the docs it was a hallucination, how can they properly treat him?

For me the toughest thing about his condition is it’s nearly impossible to control without the full cooperation of his doctors. I told him today that if he wants us to help him, we must know what his doctors do. He said he would bring me in to talk with his therapist. So we’ll do that Friday. I’m going to ask if I can have an after hours number to reach her office when Son starts going off. Ideally, I’d like to work toward stopping these episodes from progressing to hallucination.

For all of you suffering with BPD or suffering because you love someone with BPD, I wish the blessings of the universe on you. And remember there are really only two options in life: Give Up or Keep Going.

 

 

 

 

Bi-Polar Again

I don’t understand this illness. Son can get along just fine for 5-6 weeks and then he gets manic, stops sleeping/eating. He starts losing things. Completely losing things, never to be found again. Like half a pair of sneakers. How do you lose just one shoe  between night and morning? I swear he must throw things away. After a few days we generally start to wonder if he is using or drinking. We talk to him or ask him about it, and he of course gets defensive. “Why don’t you trust me?” Then he starts getting really agitated, can’t sit still. He’ll stay in his room, barely speaking to anyone, then suddenly barge into the room, say something odd and mumbled and disappear again.

He has started seeing things and hearing voices.  He kept sweeping his room, complaining that it is impossible for the dust and dirt to reappear when he just swept. He told me it was the ghosts doing it. They don’t like him. He had chunks of time where he spoke of things that have not happened. Then he would have a few minutes where he seemed completely ok.

This time I called the PET, Psychiatric Emergency Team. While it was nice not to have to involve the police, especially since for the first time he was remaining somewhat talkative and aware. He was calmer than most time he gets like this, so I thought about cancelling PET,  but I knew he could go downhill pretty quickly.  My hopes of help were dashed when this team tells me they can do nothing. He is calm and answering questions with them. Even if he answered a question with something completely odd. They said that Son needs to meet the requirements of a 5150: Is he a danger to himself or anyone else.  That’s it. They don’t think talking to things that aren’t there, and discussing how ghosts are messing up his room as warranting a psych hold.  Granted his odd behavior is not against the law, but this one defining question as to a psych hold, “Is he a danger to himself or anyone else?” hardly seems enough.

We had been nearly three days with almost no sleep because Son had been up cooking breakfast at 1 AM, or any number of daytime activities in the middle of the night. He loses all sense of time when he gets like this. You cannot reason with him. He doesn’t hear you, sometimes I’m not sure he even sees me.

In all I have read I have only seen mention that someone with BPD may hallucinate a couple of times.  But it’s just that: one line or two saying some people may experience hallucinations. I need to expand my search parameters. At last! I found a couple of good places for more info.  All I needed to do was add “hallucination” or “psychosis” and boom, I got info. Helpful? Somewhat.

In the end, Son voluntarily admitted himself to the hospital because of the hallucinations. He called this afternoon angry because they wouldn’t let him out. Possibly the psych team admitted him unwilling, or they don’t feel it’s safe to release him. Either way he is terribly angry. Tomorrow he will be contrite and beg us to pick him up.

It’s gotten to the point we don’t want him in the house, he’s so disruptive and unpleasant so much of the time. But if it’s just the BPD we have to hang in there, but if he is doing this to himself I don’t know that we can.  If we could just get a doctor to confirm that nothing untoward showed up in his blood work. Last time we went through this I managed to see his lab results and Xanax was detected. He doesn’t have a script for that and had a terrible habit at one time.

He can’t get into rehab unless he is actively using. He can’t get into a sober living home unless he’s clean. He is unable to hold down a job for a litany of reasons, so he lives here. How do I help him? How do I get through to him? Will he let me talk with his doctors? Only one way to know. I’ll ask him when he comes home if he would let me talk to them.

 

 

 

Well Beyond Nixon

People have mentioned the corruption in our current administration as “Nixonian” in scale.  Watergate has nothing on our growing Russiagate investigation.  In fact, Trump’s administrational misdealings, illegal activities, and lies make Nixon’s activities look like child’s play.  It’s more than just admiration of and fawning over dictators and despots like the Philippine President Duterte, Putin, Kim Jong Un (CNN-Jake Tapper).  It’s all his other great plans for our nation that takes him well beyond Nixonian.  We’re reaching Orwellian proportions here.

About the only dictators Trump hasn’t personally approved of are Hitler and Mussolini. I’m guessing he considers them both losers, since they didn’t stay in power for decades. He called Un a “smart cookie” for having his uncle killed to gain the NK throne! He’s ok with Putin and the murders he’s complicit in.  “The US isn’t innocent,” Trump said in an interview.  Is he implying our President’s have murdered people for personal gain? I think if any US president had ordered a hit on someone history would’ve revealed it by this time. He seems to feel a dictator is a more competent, stronger leader than someone merely elected by the people.  Neither of which applies in this case.

He’s complicit in Russiagate, spending all his time covering up or burying as much information as he can.  Setting up one person at a time to take the fall.  My only hope is that he takes out the wrong guy and all the republicans turn on him.

He wants to revise the Constitution!  The First Amendment in particular so he can remove the Press from its protection.  Of course he had been talking about doing this throughout his campaign.  It seems to be getting more important to him.

He wants to keep us ill!  Healthcare Bill.  His budget proves it as well.

He wants to keeps us stupid!  Have you seen anything on his new budget?  He plans to cut $11 billion from education.

Trump’s an embarrassment everywhere he goes.  Pushing people aside to be front and center.  Saying ignorant things.  Acting inappropriately. Being happily ignorant of other cultures.

And my country elected this mess.  The world is totally screwed until we impeach this beast.

OMG

Been working on finding somewhere to house my son.  We can no longer live with him and his addictions.  I feel like a traitor making phone calls to find him somewhere else to live.  What kind of monster have I become?  Our hearts are breaking today and I am unable to stop crying.  Today he is telling me he hasn’t been drinking, or it hasn’t been much.  Totally different story from just a few days ago where he admitted to drinking/using.  He clings to his mental illness like a shield against anything he can’t deal with.  And right now he can’t deal with anything.

I found most shelters are full, most cannot adequately support someone with problems like mental illness and addiction.  I think I called 20 places, but didn’t really find out anything I didn’t know before.  I did find a few places that sounded like they might be able to help, but I can’t really get any info.  Son would have to call and/or apply in person.  Something I don’t think he’s willing to do.  Not to mention I’d have to give him my phone. Do I give him my phone?  Or would he just call and beg to come home?

I called to see about getting him on Section 8 housing.  Nope.  The program is not taking new applicants.  According to their website, it hasn’t since 2012!  So financial assistance for housing is out.  Permanently, apparently.  I was quoted with the cost for detox: $5000. I can’t get him in sober housing until he’s clean.  I can’t get him to detox

Why is there no public rehab? Why don’t we help the helpless? Just as with all societies we are biased against the mentally ill and addicts.  Just like LGBTQ are finally being accepted, but we had to work for that.  We had to change the rules when we become aware enough to know that such behavior is inhumane.  It took 200 years for the whites in this country to realize the value of making men equal.  It took thousands before we grew as a nation to recognize how wrong the Straight world was wrong.  We can change. We can give people dignity despite their circumstances.  We can treat all people, well, like people.

What is wrong with this country?   I know what’s wrong with it now: we’re lead by an imbecile, but he’s only making things worse.  Not defending him, but he has not been involved in any of these governmental programs. Until now.

I just saw Elizabeth Warren talking about the Trump budget.  She only mentioned one item: cutting $11 Billion from education.  Art programs-gone.  Music-gone.  They’ve even taken away funding for Phys Ed.  No teacher training, no new teachers, no more books no more computers.  So we will continue to have a completely ignorant population.  I pay taxes to ensure proper education!  It’s tax fraud for them not to use that money appropriately!

Can you imagine what cuts will be made to public programs like Welfare, Social Security, etc.  All programs my tax money pays for!  Or is supposed to.

Impeach the fucker all ready.  We will deal with Pence later.

 

 

 

Obsessive Behavior

Son is not much improved.  It’s terrible to bring your mentally ill family member to a hospital ER.  It is not set up to handle the kind of obsession, frustration, and anger.   When Son is in this state, he does not fully comprehend what is going on.  The longer the wait the more manic and frustrated he becomes.  There are a few Urgent Care centers for mentally ill, but they are not open 24 hou.rs a day.  When Son gets like this there is no where else to turn but to the ER.

It was all I could do to keep him in the ER long enough to be seen by a doctor.  Twice he’d run outside and missed a bed.  By 3:30 Tuesday morning I had to call 911 to get the cops to corral him and keep him inside the ER.  He was extremely agitated, belligerent, and combative.  Pacing wildly, and screaming at people in gibberish.  All in all a very pleasant Tuesday morning, especially after Son locked my keys in the car and I couldn’t rouse Husband to rescue me.  I ended up walking home at 4 AM.  Luckily it wasn’t a long or unpleasant walk.

Mental illness or alcohol?  Both probably.  We just don’t know.  I was going to call to make sure they kept him 72 hours, and ask them to keep him another 2 weeks, but never had the chance.  Son called first thing in the morning begging me to pick him up.  Sounded so contrite, talking in a small voice.  Nothing I’d ever heard before.  He admitted he’d been drinking, that he has a problem.  He said he’d go to meetings and all the group stuff, and everything, if I would just bring him home.  I said I wasn’t picking him up until I talked to a doc.  That happened in less than an hour.  The doc did not feel son was danger to himself or others, and despite reiterating the diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, practically threw him out.

So angry!  We had hoped the hospital would keep him at least the 72 hours.  Give us a little time to find a sober living or halfway house for him and dismantle his business.  We did clean his room, picking up dirty laundry, general straightening, hoping if it was tidy he would not come home and obsess about his business.  Stupid me, for thinking it was a nice thing to do, but he was angry and belligerent about our help.  Apparently, we ‘threw everything’ away.  I handed him the trash can and invited him to go through what we tossed out.  He said something about how he feel’s he’s lost his mom, and that I don’t care or I wouldn’t treat him like this.  He doesn’t believe me when I try to counter that claim.

He is unable to comprehend my behavior and attitude toward him, and I don’t know why.  I’m here, available, and speaking to him, yet he thinks I sound angry.  He still angry, argumentative, and just plain wrong!  He believes I am angry with him, though I have tried to explain I am angry at the obsession.  I don’t hate him, I hate the addict in him.  To him that said I don’t love him, and am not willing to help him.  He feels I don’t care that he has a mental illness.  I told him it was a diagnosis, not an excuse.  You can imagine how that went over.

He has needed round the clock watching since coming home.  He is obsessing over these damn accounts.  Important stuff, sure, but he won’t write down his passwords, and he screws up his accounts every time he has an episode like this.  He has called help lines, tried a dozen different passwords and now wants my help!  How can I do anything with his accounts if he has gotten locked out?  I explained there is nothing I can do for him without his passwords.  So now I’m a shitty mom for ‘not supporting’ him, to hear him tell it.

And he’s not able to use his iPad since he somehow ruined the plug in and can no longer plug it to a charging cord.   He has a big expensive gaming computer that he barely knows how to operate, but he can’t obsess about learning how to move around on that.  Instead, he is using his dad’s iPad to sign into his accounts.  He keeps asking for his dad’s passwords.  When I asked why, he said he needed them to get into his email.  I don’t know what he is thinking.

He is putting words in my mouth, twisting what I say, and in general is just being a big dick.  He can’t seem to understand anything that is said to him, as it does nothing to change his behavior.  He is practically inconsolable in thinking I hate him and that hurts more than he could ever know.  Nothing I say comforts him or reassures him.  I don’t know what else to do.

He is driving me absolutely mad!  Where is the ‘throwing up your hands in surrender’ emoji?