I’m Getting Angry, Then Sad

I am angry, sad, confused, and just plain put out.  Common sense has disappeared from Congress.  Our protests gain a lot of press time and piss off Dump and Pres. Bannon, and yet, they seem to be ineffectual.  How do you keep up the heat?  I have only been actively involved a short time, and yet I already feel utterly defeated.

Here is a link to an article about how senators have voted on each Dump cabinet pick.  This list did not make me happy.

 

Sure, we should hang in there, wait until 2018 with the mid-term votes.  But both my reps seem to vote (mostly) how I want.  But I can’t vote for other states’ reps.  I can’t make the people in Ohio, Virginia, Wisconsin, etc. see it my way.

We can keep up the heat on declaring Dump incompetent due to mental illness, but we’re still stuck with all the other swamp creatures!  How do we clean up that mess?

Yes, I know, one step at a time.  But patience and persistence are not going to be enough.  I can’t sit here and hope the people in Blue States start calling their senators.

I feel like Dorothy, caught in a black & white tornado, and suddenly dumped (pun intended) in the middle of a bright orange swamp!

 

 

That’s About all I can Take

I’ve been limiting my time on FB, WP, and various news sites to about 2 hours a day.  Even that’s too long.  I am so frustrated and fried.  There’s just so much wrong with our new administration (I will not call him “President.”  Ever.) it’s nearly impossible to keep up.  It feels like we’re pissing on a grass fire.  We’re the Dutch boy with his finger in the dyke.  We’re scattered and self-absorbed.

And we know the risks of being complacent.  That’s what got the US here in the first place.  Too much of the same old same old.  Too great a distance between the haves and the Have Nones.

I know we need to work on the GOP, not the Democrats on Dump.  The Dems are already appalled and frightened, and scrambling to do something, anything, to stop the flood of stupidity and immorality being spewed from the mouth of our (EC-) elected POS.  So, I keep asking myself, how do we do this?  How do you convert a Christian to Islam?  Can you rehabilitate a KKK member?  I know these things have been done.  Maybe not often, but it is not unheard of.  But what I can’t figure out is the “how” of it.

I’ve joined the Indivisible movement.  I’m also involved with the Resist movement.  Just two of probably thousands of little pockets of resistance.   We all have the same goal: impeachment.  Easy fix: take Dump out.  Sniper style.  But I don’t want anyone going to prison.  And really, it’s not a complete answer, because of, well, you know.  Pence.  And Bannon, Priebus, Ryan and McConnell, to name the most egregious members of our political heads.

I ponder these problems every night and wake up wondering what new horror Dump and his crew have devised.  I sign the petitions going around.  I’m writing to my reps.  I can see the Resistance is growing, but how long can we sustain it?  We all know about burn out.  I’ve only been moderately active and I need a script for Xanax, just to keep me from biting the heads off the people near me.

Am I just impatient?  Just hoping for a quick fix?  I know that quick is not how things change.  Just like dieting.  You want to lose 30 pounds so you join Jenny Craig or some such.  Spend your money and buy their food.  After you lose the 30 pounds and feel great, you go back to eating just the way you did before.  Soon you need to lose 40 pounds.

You have to change your way of thinking to become successful in controlling your weight. We must change people’s thinking, and that, my friends, will take a very long time.  Do we have the stamina?  The anti-Trump faction seems much larger than the pro side.  It would seem, then, that we have the numbers to sustain a movement.  Our leadership is increasing: a few Senators and Congressmen are growing balls.  Robert Reich is a leader, and Elizabeth Warren as well.  Bernie Sanders is still relevant.

I’m committed for the long-haul, provided I don’t burn out.  Join me?

Here are some links for additional information on the movements and how they will accomplish their goals.

Can we sustain the anti-Trump movement?

Emily’s List

Change will require more than protests

 

An Open Letter to Trump supporters

Dear Trump Fan

You must understand that the anti-Trump group is not simply upset that there are questions as to foreign manipulation in our election process.  It’s not simply that my preferred candidate did not win.  It’s not because most Trump supporters are Obama haters.  It’s because the man is simply UNFIT.

He lacks the knowledge of how to govern.  You might say, yeah, it’s one of the things you like about it.  But knowing how to govern involves understanding others’ points of view.  If I read a book, or several books, about government and how to be effective doesn’t mean I know how to govern.  But I would have a leg up on Trump.

He lacks the diplomacy that is required when dealing with foreign dignitaries.  Sure, you say, he knows plenty of foreign big wigs.  Yes, but those big wigs only deal with Trump on business.  They may respect that, they may not.  It could be they just put up with his lack of grace and humility because he is making them money.  Well, the government is NOT a business, and probably shouldn’t be run like one.  Businesses look at the bottom line, profit and loss.  A country doesn’t profit from its people, but is supported by them via taxes.

To be an effective leader, one must have empathy for the other guys.  Something Trump certainly appears to lack.  In fact, I’m not even sure Trump can define ’empathy’.  Nor can many of his supporters.

One must have compassion for ALL citizens, not just those who agree with you.  Belittling other groups is counterproductive, and makes one look small and childish.  Very un-Presidential.  Disrespectful.  Something Trump seems not to understand.  Respect is earned, and treating others disrespectfully diminishes one’s chance at being respected.

I don’t believe our President should be tweeting criticisms about TV shows, or people who disagree with him.  My President has more important things to do.  My President barely sleeps, has no time to watch TV, let alone have twitter wars.  It diminishes respect for My President in the eyes of other countries, which reflects badly on me.

For a democracy to work, it cannot be run like a dictatorship.  The American people will not yield their rights to a dictator.  Perhaps Trump and his supporters don’t know what a dictator is.  Well, it is exactly what Trump proposes with his refusal to meet with certain members of the press.  The elected leader of this country is bound by the Constitution to allow Freedom of the Press.  There are plenty of Trump supporters who know the Second Amendment very well, but many seem to be ignorant of the rest.

I won’t even go into the lies.  I don’t expect politicians to tell the truth, but I do expect them to own up to their ‘misstatements’ and offer a clarification, or an apology.  And an apology is not “I’m sorry you got mad at me when I called you stupid.”  It is “I’m sorry I called you stupid.  That was untrue and unkind.”

Yeah, your candidate won.  And since no charges are forthcoming from those who claim voter fraud or foreign influence, etc., I’ll go so far as to say he won legitimately.  That still does NOT mean he is a suitable representative of me, or people who think like me.  He can’t legislate people away.  He can’t ignore the majority, not for long, anyway.  One group of people does not have more privileges than another.  At least they shouldn’t.  Trump and his supporters seem to think it’s ok to ignore the rest of us.  The British didn’t take the resistance seriously either.  You do know how that ended, right?

Well, That Didn’t Go Well (update)

Came home from dinner Monday night to find son sitting on the couch snoring.  Just like he does when he drinks.  We said nothing and went to bed.  He woke me at 2AM with the worst migraine.  Took him to the ER.  Sat with him for 4 hours while they gave him benadryl, compazine, and toridol.

He was in a rage on Tuesday.  I slept most of the day, not having had much sleep the night before.  He was still angry today.  Stupidly, I decided this would be the day I would give him a letter explaining how his addiction effects us and how much we want to trust him.  How much we want to help him.  Just how much we want our “old T” back.

My letter did not go over well.  We spent 1 1/2 hours yelling at each other.  Mostly Son doing the yelling.  That stupid letter I never should’ve given him.  He’s left just now, says he’s going to check into the hospital “to give us a break.”  We don’t need a break.  Things have been good for 4-5 weeks now.  I just wanted to know what happened Monday.

I’m so sorry I wrote that note and gave it to him.  Shouldn’t have done it.  It made things worse than just letting him be.

Going to go have me a good cry.  Then probably a nap.  Not up to yoga or tai chi today.  I think I’d rather wallow in a little self pity.

UPDATE

It’s 4PM and he’s been raging all damn day.  He’s talking about going to the hospital, but we are encouraging him not to go.  I know as soon as he checks in, he will want to leave again.  Plus it’s Christmas this weekend, we don’t want it ruined by him being in hospital, but then again, if he’s going to be in a manic rage all week, maybe it’s best.

I feel this is all my fault.  I know how he reacts.  But I was angry with him, and disappointed, and felt I needed to do something.  Unfortunately, for Son, it was the wrong thing.

Random Rants

I’m convinced the Tecfidera I started taking for my MS six months ago was causing these sudden weird mood swings.  They are like nothing else I’ve ever experienced.  It happened so fast, Jeckel and Hyde-like, from talking pleasantly and something went off in my head.  I became angry with Husband.  He could see coming, a small (relatively) meltdown.  By the time we got home we were arguing–sort of. When we got home I went in and took a long shower and a long hard cry while Husband ignored me.  I went from pleasant day to suicidal in under an hour!  That cannot be normal, but I cannot find anywhere on the internet anyone mentioning almost anything about this kind of side effect.  I saw one question on a community board but no one had responded to it.  I know when I tell the doc that I stopped taking it and why she’ll come up with an excuse that it can’t be the med.  Or will she be reasonable and listen to me.  Rare or not, while I’m not really done testing my theory, but the last time I took a pill was Thursday, I’ve been feeling better every day since, I feel more normal and balanced.  Cheerful even.

I got frightened a previous time it happened and quickly went to my shrink.  He has seen me for about 6 months now.  I’ve always come in smiling and doing fine.  In fact last time we met we talked about lowering my dosage,  This time, I come in upset and crying and he just looks at me.  Nothing to say except to recommend counseling. Then he says, “I will refill your prescriptions.” and jotted something in my chart.  Clearly he is not the doctor I need.  I was so spoiled by my last doctor.  He was young and sweet and caring and actually talked to me.  He spent sometimes 30 minutes with me on a bad day.  This new guy, I’m in and out in less than 10 minutes.  He’s made his $500 an hour in ten minutes.  Imagine how many patients he can see in a day.  Cynical?  Yes.  But very true. Counting this one, I’ve seen four docs like this.   Perhaps it’s because II chose one of the least expensive health insurance options, I get the least “good” doctors?

happyBut it is what it is.  I know.  People hate the phrase.  I don’t.  I find it very much an Easter philosophy.  Like something Confucius might have sad.  I heard it first from my boss at the time.  IT was when my marriage was crumbling.  It really resonated, and I adopted it.  I don’t say it constantly, so.don’t hate me.

I posted the other day about diet and trying to change mine.  I’m addicted.  There.  I said it.  In some literature my Husband’s liver doctor gave us, studies have shown that sugar is more addictive than heroin.  I believe it.  I have been working on staying away from sugar.  But we had an apple pie last night.  Of course I had a piece (two actually, I didn’t eat much dinner).  And, of course, last night was halloween, so we have mini chocolate bars left.  I’m absolutely spineless when things like that are around.  I love to get the last piece, too.  What’s that about?

For those of you who read this far, I add the following photos.  A tiny mystery.  I have this plant growing in the yard.  It’s basically a weed, I guess.  I’ve been trying to identify it all day online.  I’ve seen a couple photos online, but not information about it.  My dogs love to eat it.  More than grass.  They haven’t gotten sick yet, so I know it’s not poisonous.  Plus I think animals are instinctive about that.and know which plants are safe to eat.  Husband says I’m wrong and shouldn’t let them eat the stuff.  So if anybody can tell me what this is and that it’s safe for animals, I’d appreciate it.

DSC03508

The seeds.

DSC03505

Growing bud. They open up more as the stem grows.

DSC03506When I told my shrink I regularly take 2 hour naps.  Pretty much daily.  He said a nap was 15 minutes.  Since I was a teen, if I took a nap, it was always more than an hour (barring sickness).  I’m trying to take fewer naps, can’t seem to take shorter ones.  If Husband wakes me after an hour or less, I am groggy and sometimes it’s so bad I have to go back to bed.

Hope you are all having a marvelous weekend!  I send you thoughts of happiness, peace and contentment.  And now I’m going to do yoga instead of napping.   We’ll see how that goes, I doubled my pain and anti-spasm pills this moring, the pain was too bad.  I’m hoping going back to yoga will help.

I had the last (small) piece of pie for breakfast.  I figure, at least there’s fruit in it.  I’ve only had three mini candy bars (so far).

Feeling Negative

I’ve been feeling rather negative lately.  Perhaps I am depressed about my back, which causes me pain daily for the past 6 months.  Standing at the sink for the15 minutes to do the dishes and my back is screaming for me to lay flat, or at least sit down.  The doctors do not seem overly concerned.  The last appointments I had with all three of my docs I felt I was dismissed.  They all said, ‘see you in # months’.  Made it sound like an order.

My back is causing me not to do things, like walk, though I can last longer than standing still for some odd reason.

Beach yoga

Beach yoga

Some days I can walk an hour before it starts to ache.  But at night, doing the cooking and washing after, I’m in pain.  I keep trying to get to yoga and tai chi, but the timing just never seems to work out.  I’m thinking about making up a schedule and promising myself I will keep to it no matter what for the month of November.  I know that’s a lofty goal: Committing to improve my health.

I do have to.  Improve my health and that of my family.  We had all promised (many times, very many times) to eat better, treat our bodies like the temples they are.  Love our bodies as much as a spouse or child.  If we loved our bodies would we treat them better?  We seem unable, individually or as a group, to eat a more balanced diet.  We are addicted to sugar.  Most people are to some degree.  But today I ate an entire 1 lb bag of candy corn.  I had been angry at Husband when I bought it.  So instead of sharing this treat, I devoured it in secret throughout the day.  Yikes!  If that’s not a sign I need to change, I don’t know what is.  I’ve been doing things like that a lot lately.  Buying candy bars on the sly when off shopping by myself, then go out for an ice cream with Husband that night.

I’ve lost weight, mostly because I just don’t find anything very appealing about food lately.  I can go days without feeling hungry.  I want to keep the weight off, but by improving my diet.  Coincidentally, the liver doc told us sugar has been shown to be more addictive than heroin.  Scary right?  I’m a living example of a sugar junkie:  using excuses to justify eating a chocolate, lying to people about it, hiding my binging from family.

candy

My nemesis

I must take better care of myself, but lately I just don’t care.  If I were a day, I’d be chilly, damp and overcast.  The sort of day that won’t necessarily stop you from doing the things you have to, but nasty enough not to do things outdoors that you might want to do.  Like picnic.

They say the first step to beating addiction is admitting you have a problem.  And I honestly do.  I seem unable to stop myself from eating nothing but what’s bad for me in every way.  And I so don’t want to give it up.  But I’m promising myself, and using this blog to hold myself to it, the month of November will be my test, but I will try not to put anything in my mouth that is not healthy for me starting now.  I tell myself, I would do these things if I had cancer, right?  That’s what you do when your life is threatened.  Start taking better care of yourself.  Why invite cancer into my life by sabotaging my own health?  Why wait for a fatal diagnosis?

The Ex Is Pregnant

She just told Son last night she was pregnant.  His Ex. She shouldn’t.  She had bad morning sickness for three months, and then spent the last six on bed rest because it was discovered she had something wrong with her uterus.

Here’s the worst-case scenario Son believes will unfold (and I have no reason to doubt this possibility):

Loses her $12/hr job – because she doesn’t work for someone who needs to provide benefits like sick leave.

Loses apartment – Possible, but they currently rent the back house of Ex’s boyfriend’s mom.

Apply for food stamps, WIC and other assistance programs – Which now require more paperwork, and provide less money for the recipient.

Can no longer afford to keep Grandson living with her – She will send GS to move back in with us.

Obviously, not a good scenario, but as I note, that would be the worst-case.  Hope springs eternal, and maybe somehow things will work out.  However, Son feels he is now burdened with ‘fixing’ any psychological damage to GS.  He feels pressure to make a success of his business.  He’s distracted by his grandma’s precarious health.  He’s in pain, both physical and psychological.  He’s feeling the pressure of wanting to be on his own, but unable to afford it.  He’s barely started paying us rent, and since he’s still growing his business, most of his money goes right back in for supplies.  It’s a lot of work too, running his little business.  He answers questions on Facebook all day, fills orders, looks for deals on his supplies, and constantly has to battle other vendors for his slice of the little pie.  Other people will steal sales right out from under him.  His site could be shut down at any time by FB if someone decides to play dirty.  It’d only be a couple days, but that could mean $100s of lost sales.  I hate to even suggest he find something else to do.

I understand his pressure.  I don’t understand why he has taken his Ex’s pregnancy as a sign that his world will come to an end.  He knows we’ve always supported him (in every way), and always will.  I know we helped create his monsters, but he won’t let us help destroy them.  We’ve allowed him to get this dependent.  Now it’s time to change things.  Since I have good psych coverage, he will come with me to counseling.  He can complain about everything, and someone with the proper training will help him change his life.  I just hope it doesn’t take years!

I’ve started looking at apartments in Spain again.

Emotional Well-Being

I need a prescription for Xanax or Valium or some sort of anti-anxiety drug.  Not that my docs agree, of course.  My emotional stability is of no concern to them.  Only my physical being.  That pretty much includes my shrink.  It is so hard to find a psychiatrist.  It is a very personal decision, picking a doctor.  When your insurance doesn’t provide you with options, however, you are basically screwed.

DI buttonsSo my shrink is merely a drug pusher, merely refilling the ones I have and making sure I check in every three months.  I have seen at least three crappy psychiatrists, and one great one.  I’ve had four therapists.  Two were pretty good, one was downright a waste of my time, my last one was absolutely the best.  Guess that’s why I’m so picky.  I know what a good therapist can do, and I know that a poor therapist at a minimum will not help you, and a bad therapist can seriously hurt you.  Again, my insurance only provides one therapist to choose from.  I met with him once, and am pretty unsure about him.  Don’t know that I really need one.  Still after my breakdown last week, I’m not sure.mental health

So I am stumbling through this emotional minefield on my own, my poor family unable to help me.  Except husband has a script for Xanax and he demands I take them from time to time, like today.  I’ve been sort of snappish.  Actually, I’ve been snappish for the past couple months.  Moody, depressed, angry, anxious, and a bit pissy with my reactions.

Of course, the reason for my moodiness is one of so many things, it’s hard to know where the root problem is.  I suppose it’s menopause, but I’m not convinced it isn’t due to the change in one prescription, and the addition of two new ones.  I haven’t had time to check all of my meds for emotional side effects, but I’m working on it.

Meanwhile, just to keep the rest of the family from hiding from me, or vice versa, I’ll continue to self-medicate with Husband’s Xanax.  At least until something changes.  Which it might, since it is enrollment time with my insurance and medicare, so who knows what kinds of changes will be coming my way.  Trying very hard to be Buddhist about it.  Trying to just let things go.  I work on believing that everything happens as it should and nothing is permanent, not even the US.  om

I struggle trying to balance my love of Bernie Sanders and hope for his election, and even plan to go watch the upcoming Democratic debate.  Part of me feels this is so important.  So integral to what is wrong with the US government, and putting my hope in Bernie Sanders. Though the cynic in me believes no such thing.

tai2When my Buddhist side kicks in and I  wonder; will anything I do really make any difference in the greater scheme of things?  Even if by some miracle Bernie gets elected, do I really think he can face the Regressives in Congress and make any real changes?

I can feel a political rant coming on, but to what end?

Congress has been thwarting every Democratic move for each Democratic president we have had for the last 15 years. Will our next Democratic president, regardless of who they are, actually be strong enough to kick the Kochs and the rest of the corporations out of politics?  Will he/she ever be able make churches pay taxes?  And what about the voting laws changing in the South East US, basically stopping people from being able to vote because they have no proper ID, and then close all the government offices that handle IDs in the area. The people in the south have been so manipulated and kept so uneducated, they have little chance of making any change on their own. Sort of leaves you wondering?  Just as in the Sixties we had to stage protests and strikes and sit-ins.  Peaceful resistance.  Am I using my Buddhist mindset just to stay uninvolved?  I suppose a lot of people would see that as a cop-out.

Worse Today

I can’t stop crying.  Son is having fits lately on a daily basis.  His anger is so disturbing to me, I can’t even be around him.  I am suddenly so miserable and sad.  I see no end to Son’s suffering, and therefore, my own.

InsuranceHe’s been uninsured for 5 years now and his depression and other health issues have only gotten worse.  His anger simmers just below the surface and it takes almost nothing to send him into a rage; though rage is a bit too strong a word.  I’m afraid to talk to him, because he only gets angry and defensive.  When I try to talk to him when he’s feeling good, it makes him angry and upset.  If I try to talk to him when he’s angry, well, it’s not a good idea.

This dance is wearing me down again.  I don’t know why but my depression is suddenly flared up.  Is it caused by the Tecfidera?  It seems I was dealing well with all this and not letting it affect me, until the past three months–since I started the Tecfidera.

Son has an appointment with a new doctor, but he just came home.  I cannot believe the way he has been jerked around.  Before ObamaCare, there was no way he could afford insurance.  Then when he applied for Obamacare he was denied coverage because he had no income and therefore determined he should be covered by Medi-Cal or Medicare.  Not that they helped him to follow up on that.  So we then applied for both.  That was two years ago.  He finally got coverage effective Sept. 1 this year!  He’s seen two doctors and been to the ER once already this month.  At least the ER doctor was convinced he wasn’t just seeking drugs but did indeed have a serious issue with his back, very likely he has some bulging disc or worse.  He actually examined Son.  The first time anyone has actually examined him physically.  That doctor recommended he see his GP and get scheduled for an MRI.  Unfortunately, Medi-Cal is unpredictable, and he was told when he went in for his appointment this morning (which he made yesterday) that they no longer accept Medi-Cal.  Apparently, that doctor he had an appointment with left that office.  (No one mentioned that when the appointment was made.)  He can see the doc, but not until December!ER

Just what the hell are we supposed to do here?  The ER people have him pegged as a drug seeker, and there doesn’t seem to be a doctor who cares.  I am beside myself in anger and disgust at the way he has been (mis)treated.  How can he get pain relief when no one will properly examine him to determine the problem.  He doesn’t want drugs, he wants pain relief.  He doesn’t want medication, but he needs something for anxiety and depression.  Again, though he can’t find a doctor to treat him like a human being.

God I so hate insurance companies.  It’s not the doctors, it’s the fucking insurance companies who bounce people around and jerk them about, and lie, and delay and create more problems for people who are already ill.  I fucking HATE insurance companies!  They don’t see people at all, only profits…at the expense of people’s health and well being.

DI buttonsI can no longer live this way, I can’t help him.  I can’t ease his pain, and I can’t live with the frustration and anger, yet I can’t abandon my son.  I’ve an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon.  He’s probably going to increase my meds, or maybe I should ask him for Xanax or something.  Today however, I plan to stay in bed and cry and hopefully sleep the day away.  I may try to do some journaling as well.  Later, after I nap.

I Enjoy Being a Girl

You know that insipid song was written by men, right?

Poster for the Flower Drum Song

Poster for the Flower Drum Song

I’ve never enjoyed being female.  My life since puberty has been spent waiting in eager anticipation of menopause.  I have always suffered from PMS.  Even before PMS was a term, I had it.  The moodiness, crying jags, migraine and depression for up to three weeks of each month.  But generally, no cramps.  That was about the only PMS issue I didn’t suffer from. It just never seemed really fair to me that some women had PMS and others didn’t.  Girls used to tell me they were jealous because I rarely had cramps.  I’d take three or four days of cramps in exchange for all my emotional pain, but of course, that wasn’t an option.  To me it just seemed so easy to take a pill for cramps, when there was no relief for my symptoms.  No one was handing out Prozac at the OB-gyn in those years.

I have been in the throes of peri-menopause for 15 years, (That’s right, 15.) while friends of mine simply turned around one day and discovered they were menopausal; without hot flashes, night sweats, blinding migraines, mood swings, depression, PLUS thinning hair, memory problems, sinus problems, and crippling nausea, for a week at a time.  It’s that old saying, that if it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.  Meanwhile, I just keep waiting for the symptoms to end.  Hoping each year will be the last year I have to suffer hormonal turmoil.

menopause sxThe end is near, I’m sure, because my symptoms have ratcheted up these past two years.  I’ve missed my period for up to five months at a time, my night sweats have me changing out of my soaking pajamas several times a month, and the morning-sickness-like nausea hits me for 10 days a month.  Of course the absence of menses isn’t necessarily the end of my ordeal, since symptoms can continue well past actual menopause.  So I have that to look forward to.

Still I am hopeful that by year’s end I will have finally reached the end of puberty and all the attendant joys of being female.

I can’t wait.  It will be like Chanukah, Christmas, and summer vacation all wrapped up in one big ribbon.  It will be nice to be able to eat again.