Recovery – Day Five

He’s not coming out of it like usual. I swear he’s becoming delusional. And I know delusional and how difficult it is to get along with them. To avoid conflict you have to buy into their delusion. It’s especially hard to do when the delusions change from day to day.

Every day he tells me something that’s just plain wrong:

“We watched that show together.” Except we did not watch that show together.

“Where’s the leftover chicken from last night?” We hadn’t had chicken in several days. Is this a problem with keeping track of the days? It doesn’t seem so, because he insists we had roast chicken the night before and doesn’t understand why I would deny it. You would think logic would come into play, but no.

“Can you print something for me?” I do. Then I give him the papers and he says, “I didn’t ask you to print that.” This in a span of 15 minutes.

He is so convinced that what he remembers is real and what we remember is just wrong. I ask him, “Why would I lie about that?” Not to mention, he knows I have never lied to him.

Every day he has a new problem with his computer or tv. One day it won’t turn on at all. The next day he has no volume control, etc. He’ll get each issue fixed and a few hours later it’s another problem. I’m not sure there is ever anything wrong. It’s impossible to know. He won’t leave it alone long enough for you to really help. Near as I can figure, he hallucinates that there is a problem and starts to unplug and turn things off. But I have to go in his room and look at all the wires and figure out what he’d disconnected.

I’m supposed to go with him to the doctor today. He’s talked about it all week. Now this morning he doesn’t want me there and doesn’t want to give me permission to talk to the therapist at all. I told him if he wanted his dad and me to be able to help him, he’d give his permission. Now he’s in his room, ruminating on why we are so mean and demanding.

It is 11:40AM and I’m arguing with Son about it. He’s telling me we should get going if we’re going to make it on time. I thought the appointment was at 1. He says yes, but it’s 12:40 and I have to repeat it is not. Now he’s upset again and hiding in his room. I’m looking forward to the ride to the doc. God know if I’ll even get to say anything once I’m there. Probably a total waste of time, but I’ve got to try. They need to at least understand that the situation at home is barely tenable. We need help to understand, and they are not getting a complete picture of the situation.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!

 

Well, That Didn’t Go Well (update)

Came home from dinner Monday night to find son sitting on the couch snoring.  Just like he does when he drinks.  We said nothing and went to bed.  He woke me at 2AM with the worst migraine.  Took him to the ER.  Sat with him for 4 hours while they gave him benadryl, compazine, and toridol.

He was in a rage on Tuesday.  I slept most of the day, not having had much sleep the night before.  He was still angry today.  Stupidly, I decided this would be the day I would give him a letter explaining how his addiction effects us and how much we want to trust him.  How much we want to help him.  Just how much we want our “old T” back.

My letter did not go over well.  We spent 1 1/2 hours yelling at each other.  Mostly Son doing the yelling.  That stupid letter I never should’ve given him.  He’s left just now, says he’s going to check into the hospital “to give us a break.”  We don’t need a break.  Things have been good for 4-5 weeks now.  I just wanted to know what happened Monday.

I’m so sorry I wrote that note and gave it to him.  Shouldn’t have done it.  It made things worse than just letting him be.

Going to go have me a good cry.  Then probably a nap.  Not up to yoga or tai chi today.  I think I’d rather wallow in a little self pity.

UPDATE

It’s 4PM and he’s been raging all damn day.  He’s talking about going to the hospital, but we are encouraging him not to go.  I know as soon as he checks in, he will want to leave again.  Plus it’s Christmas this weekend, we don’t want it ruined by him being in hospital, but then again, if he’s going to be in a manic rage all week, maybe it’s best.

I feel this is all my fault.  I know how he reacts.  But I was angry with him, and disappointed, and felt I needed to do something.  Unfortunately, for Son, it was the wrong thing.

Moving On

Despite my best efforts to ignore the holidays, they are still just around the corner.  I did manage to do a little holiday baking, for the sake of being neighborly, but not being religious, nor a rapacious consumer, it gets harder and harder to participate in the holidays.

I am thankful for all the things I have and continue to work on being kind.  To others and myself.  Thank you, all my readers, followers, and friends here.  I appreciate your time and effort in reading and commenting on my little blog, and for supporting me during my Midlife Crisis and Beyond.  I have been getting less and less active, both posting and reading and have decided, that, while I will continue to miss all of you, my mind is currently occupied elsewhere.

I send you all the blessings of the universe and fulfillment.  Thank you for being part of my life.  Remember to be kind, and if you can’t be kind, be silent.

 

Life Can Be a Challenge

The past two years have been quite eventful between Husband’s retiring and our move, but they have been mostly happy.  In fact the reason I don’t think I’ve posted near as often as I used to, is that I don’t have any complaints, or issues to work out via the blog, until today.  Well it’s been building the past several weeks.

It’s the same things, of course, Son has serious issues.  Lately I have begun to despair that he is broken beyond repair.  I doubt he can ever maintain his own home and I’m in tears right now thinking about it. The plan when we moved is that Son would’ve been on his own by now, and we have made progress in that direction, since Son now is operating an online herbal sales business.  Still it will be difficult to secure an apartment since he is self-employed, so he has to stay with us until he has a steady income for a good year, unless we co-sign a lease for him.

It’s so hard not to blame yourself when your child doesn’t turn out the way you hoped.  I absolutely hate to hear about my nieces and nephews who have gone to or attending college, getting married, moving away from home.  While here I am still worrying about what’s bothering my Son.  Wondering how best to help him.  I try to support him, but it’s not easy.  Knowing I made serious mistakes along the way.  The feeling that I did this to my Son cannot be shaken.  I find myself becoming very depressed again.

I Don’t Want to Go

Tomorrow morning we are planning to go visit Mom at the assisted living home.  Husband’s niece and her daughter will also be there.  I don’t know any other way to say it, but I don’t like Niece.  I’m probably being ridiculous and silly, but 15 years ago she did and said some things that really bothered me.  Insulting and angering things.  It’s not like I can’t forgive and move on; I hold no grudge.  But these things told me something of her character, which I found unappealing.  religionSo, in s nutshell, I don’t want to visit Mom, because I don’t want to spend time with Niece.  We don’t see her often, but the last time we did, I didn’t exactly have the best time.

Am I being silly?  Am I holding a grudge, but calling it a character flaw?  I’ve tried a Buddhist approach, and tried to let it go.  You know, who am I to say the way she behaved was wrong of her.  She obviously did and said things she felt were necessary or true at the time.  Maybe I’m just looking for an excuse for just not liking her.

I’m thinking of invoking a migraine in order to get out of going tomorrow.  I’ve had a migraine all day, so it is possible I will still have it in the morning, but if I don’t I may still say I do.  How childish am I?

Getting Settled

We’ve been in the new place about a month now.  Our neighbors are all very friendly, and don’t seem to mind the yipping dogs too much. Walking the dogs around the neighborhood, I’m learning my way around.  I know where to shop and what shops I can walk to.  It’s starting to feel like home.

Numerous decisions await us:  stand up board (SUB) or kayak?  And where to take a little weekend away?  And do we put in a Zen garden? or grass?  Where will Son live?  Can he stay sober?  But that’s not living in the moment, is it?  It’s easy to fall into old habits, though Husband and I are trying not to.  We are trying to be more social, and trying new things, like going out to a club, or eating Thai (or some other equally exotic food).  We’re starting to push each other a little more out of our comfort zone.  Husband says buying the kayak/SUB feels so selfish.  I think that’s a good thing.  He’s never expressed feeling selfish before, though he (and I) deny him nothing.paddle board

It’s so easy to fall back into old ways of thinking, but I am still able to pull myself out.  I haven’t decided on visiting a Buddhist temple/center to visit yet, so I’m feeling less centered.  I wanted to talk to our neighbor, who is also interested in Buddhism, maybe he’d recommend one?  Meanwhile, I have postponed setting up doctor visits and I have been without some of my meds for weeks, and will be out of my antidepressants soon. I can’t let myself postpone these appointments any more.  I don’t know what would happen without my antidepressants, and I’m not keen to find out.

Doobie
Doobie

Our house abuts a community garden, which we thought would be a good thing.  We figured that with all that huge garden, nothing was going to bother our little garden.  We were wrong.  We’ve seen so far, two huge racoons, countless squirrels, rabbits, hawks, and one skunk.  Our dog Doobie discovered the skunk.  Whew!  What a smell.  A cross between burned hair and boiled peanuts.  Something the poor dog got so close the fur on his face was green.  We’d gone through it with our last dog, and that was the middle of the night, we let the dog in and he brought the stench with him.  Right onto our bed!  At least this time we were able to easily bathe the little dope and cover him in a mixture of vinegar and baking soda.  Also have dishes of vinegar in each room, and burned scented candles all afternoon.  My eyes still burn.

Still Among the Living

Pretty much moved in now. Things did not quit transpire as anticipated, but, of course, worked out just the same.  We’re still making two more trips to the house to get some forgotten items, organize the donations and the junk to haul away.  Make sure that water and power are off.  Plus we still have our old computers to get rid of.  There’s a place near the house that recycles computers and related items. kitchen

Son ended up with us after all, but it is definitely temporary.  We only bought a tiny dinette set with only two chairs.  We’ve got a loveseat, not a couch.  Only one bathroom.  So this can only last a couple months.  Now that we finally have internet (been cut off from the World  since June 11!) son has started to look for work.  Luckily, they are hiring at two good local companies right now.  I looked at apartments and found a few suitable with suitable rental rates.  Maybe we should wait until he’s employed?  Or would it be better to provide the incentive to work now?LB

We’re still sorting through boxes three and four times, and have enough cardboard for an entire cardboard “tent” city.  It will take us months to dispose of it all through the recycling.  Then yesterday, one of our recycling bins didn’t get dumped, and the neighbor’s recycling bin didn’t return from the street yesterday.  I think it’s one I see across the street.  How it got there, and if it is ours, is still a bit of a mystery.  But one I can live with.  I checked the other nearest neighbors and they don’t seem to have an extra bin, so I think odds are good it belongs over here.  Otherwise what do I do?  Call the city and tell them our recycling bin went missing?

Working hard to landscape the little back yard.  We’re about halfway done.  We’ve got the flower beds planted, just need to put in a low deck or patio and some stepping stones, and we’ll be done.  Hopefully, we will be in a position to invite our neighbors and Husband’s friends over for 4th of July barbeque.  Tonight we’ve been invited out to meet some of Husband’s friends for drinks. blues I think I’d like to say no (we’re not meeting them until 9:00 PM), but this move is a lot about doing new things, so I told Husband we should go.  We don’t have to stay very long.  We can tell everyone we’are tired, and truthfully we are tired after working in the yard and the garage all day.  Did I mention we live above a garage now?  That means up and down the stairs a minimum of 3 times a day, and lately it’s closer to 10-15 times a day!  I better lose some weight now!

I still need to spend some time setting up appointments for my various new doctors, but I will be catching up with everyone soon.  I am eager to hear what people have been up to this past week or so