I’m Getting Angry, Then Sad

I am angry, sad, confused, and just plain put out.  Common sense has disappeared from Congress.  Our protests gain a lot of press time and piss off Dump and Pres. Bannon, and yet, they seem to be ineffectual.  How do you keep up the heat?  I have only been actively involved a short time, and yet I already feel utterly defeated.

Here is a link to an article about how senators have voted on each Dump cabinet pick.  This list did not make me happy.

 

Sure, we should hang in there, wait until 2018 with the mid-term votes.  But both my reps seem to vote (mostly) how I want.  But I can’t vote for other states’ reps.  I can’t make the people in Ohio, Virginia, Wisconsin, etc. see it my way.

We can keep up the heat on declaring Dump incompetent due to mental illness, but we’re still stuck with all the other swamp creatures!  How do we clean up that mess?

Yes, I know, one step at a time.  But patience and persistence are not going to be enough.  I can’t sit here and hope the people in Blue States start calling their senators.

I feel like Dorothy, caught in a black & white tornado, and suddenly dumped (pun intended) in the middle of a bright orange swamp!

 

 

An Open Letter to Trump supporters

Dear Trump Fan

You must understand that the anti-Trump group is not simply upset that there are questions as to foreign manipulation in our election process.  It’s not simply that my preferred candidate did not win.  It’s not because most Trump supporters are Obama haters.  It’s because the man is simply UNFIT.

He lacks the knowledge of how to govern.  You might say, yeah, it’s one of the things you like about it.  But knowing how to govern involves understanding others’ points of view.  If I read a book, or several books, about government and how to be effective doesn’t mean I know how to govern.  But I would have a leg up on Trump.

He lacks the diplomacy that is required when dealing with foreign dignitaries.  Sure, you say, he knows plenty of foreign big wigs.  Yes, but those big wigs only deal with Trump on business.  They may respect that, they may not.  It could be they just put up with his lack of grace and humility because he is making them money.  Well, the government is NOT a business, and probably shouldn’t be run like one.  Businesses look at the bottom line, profit and loss.  A country doesn’t profit from its people, but is supported by them via taxes.

To be an effective leader, one must have empathy for the other guys.  Something Trump certainly appears to lack.  In fact, I’m not even sure Trump can define ’empathy’.  Nor can many of his supporters.

One must have compassion for ALL citizens, not just those who agree with you.  Belittling other groups is counterproductive, and makes one look small and childish.  Very un-Presidential.  Disrespectful.  Something Trump seems not to understand.  Respect is earned, and treating others disrespectfully diminishes one’s chance at being respected.

I don’t believe our President should be tweeting criticisms about TV shows, or people who disagree with him.  My President has more important things to do.  My President barely sleeps, has no time to watch TV, let alone have twitter wars.  It diminishes respect for My President in the eyes of other countries, which reflects badly on me.

For a democracy to work, it cannot be run like a dictatorship.  The American people will not yield their rights to a dictator.  Perhaps Trump and his supporters don’t know what a dictator is.  Well, it is exactly what Trump proposes with his refusal to meet with certain members of the press.  The elected leader of this country is bound by the Constitution to allow Freedom of the Press.  There are plenty of Trump supporters who know the Second Amendment very well, but many seem to be ignorant of the rest.

I won’t even go into the lies.  I don’t expect politicians to tell the truth, but I do expect them to own up to their ‘misstatements’ and offer a clarification, or an apology.  And an apology is not “I’m sorry you got mad at me when I called you stupid.”  It is “I’m sorry I called you stupid.  That was untrue and unkind.”

Yeah, your candidate won.  And since no charges are forthcoming from those who claim voter fraud or foreign influence, etc., I’ll go so far as to say he won legitimately.  That still does NOT mean he is a suitable representative of me, or people who think like me.  He can’t legislate people away.  He can’t ignore the majority, not for long, anyway.  One group of people does not have more privileges than another.  At least they shouldn’t.  Trump and his supporters seem to think it’s ok to ignore the rest of us.  The British didn’t take the resistance seriously either.  You do know how that ended, right?

Warning!

As many intelligent people, I have been scared shitless that the idiot commonly known as Trump would actually win the election.  Now that it has come to pass I’m even more terrified.  Just watching the people he is putting into key positions, and heading every major department.  I’m fucking horrified.  Every day is worse!

Supreme Court Nominee

National Security Advisor

Attorney General

 

Here is what you can do that might make you feel a tiny bit better.

Call the House Oversight Committee :  Call to demand that Donald Trumps financials be released and investigate any conflicts of interest.  We must make this call NOW!  We only have a few days left to make an impact.

 

Or if you prefer, donate to one of these charities in the name of your favorite asshole. They will receive a thank-you letter for each donation.

Human Rights Campaign (LGBTQ rights)

National Association for the Advancement of Colored People

American Civil Liberties Union

Protect the Environment

Anti-Bullying (which will need more support as adults and children learn to bully by watching our “President”.

I am scared and angry and worried for the future.  I’ve started a Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/LSJRevolution/ where I will post on ways to help ensure the safety and well being of the citizens of the US.  I hope to put up information on when, where and how to protest.  Join me in fighting against Trump, his growing circle of incompetents, his followers, and other haters.  Please!

We Are Our Parents

moonIt strikes me more every day how much life doesn’t change.  You can try all you want, but you eventually realize you have become your parents.  It’s inevitable.  Always has been, always will be.  I could follow my family tree for eons, and find the same thing; we start out young and stupid, yet think we know it all.  Then in our mid to late 20s we realize we don’t know it all, and make an effort to learn everything.  We read, we watch, we study.  We raise a family and tell ourselves we won’t make the same mistakes our parents did.  Unfortunately we still make mistakes, just not the same ones.  Yet we think we do a good job.  We become successful in our business or work.  We work hard to prove ourselves worthy.  We muddle along, just like our parents, and their parents, and their parents.  Arguing about politics with our neighbor.  Discussing the news, debating the current war, whether it was a world war, or a tribal war. There has always been war of one kind or another.  We gathered food, then grew food, then we bought food.  But our need for food has obviously never changed.

Amanda and RuthieWe lament the current state of the world and are convinced it was better ‘in the olden days.’  Whether that was 30 or 40 or 100 years ago, it was always better ‘back then.’  We watch as our idols die.  In my mother’s time it was Frank Sinatra.  Grandma remembered when Rudy Valentino died.  (I’m sure there are some of you who don’t know Valentino was the heart-throb movie star of the early silent movies.)  I remember when John Lennon was shot, r any kaWe learn that we don’t know everything but we run out of energy to keep learning new things.  Our brains become full.  We become convinced that we are right.  We know it all, have seen it all.  Just like our parents.  And some of us stop growing.  Become stagnant in our beliefs.  Some of us choose to keep believing what our grandma used to tell us about how salt was good for you, or you needed cod liver oil every day, or that Blacks, or Hispanics (or women, or gays) should know their place and stay there.   Preferably out of sight and not next door to us.John Lennon

Once I realized all this was inevitable I was finally at peace with turning 50.  It took me nearly three years, but I got there.  I hate it.  I hate that nothing has really changed.  Sure we had the Industrial Revolution, the invention of the printing press, emancipation (for Blacks, for women, and now for LBGTQ).  We’ve always polluted our surroundings.  Don’t believe me?  Look at London in the Middle Ages, or Paris, or Amsterdam.  We dumped our waste in the streets, there was no trash pick up.  The streets were dirty and full of animal manure, and when it rained, the manure and waste would be washed into the lakes and rivers which we drank from.

davincis manThere have always been those less fortunate, the poor, the disabled, and unwanted.  Whether illegitimate children, those starving in drought stricken areas, so has it always been and always will be.

We have always loved our family and friends and hated our enemies.  It seems we cannot change our black and white vision of our world.  Us against them.  Us being the religious, them being the Atheists.  Those people–being anyone different from ourselves.  When I was growing up long hair on men was not acceptable.  And by long I mean 1964 Beatles long.   Bald men were seen as less virile and less attractive.  Now most men I see shave their heads.  I can’t understand it.  There is also the current trend of being completely hairless.  Which I totally do not understand.  I like a man with hair.  Long, bearded, and with at least some hair on their chest.   Where I come from good girls wore modest pastel dresses to church, bad girls wore bright red short-shorts.

Everything changes, and yet everything stays the same.  All is cyclical.  The phases of the moon, the tides, taxes, what is considered ‘good’ or attractive.  And yet we like to think ourselves so much better than previous generations.  We’re smarter because we know DNA sequencing, understand chromosomes and viruses, and own tiny computers.  Imagine if you dropped Leonardo DaVinci into a evolutionBest Buy.  How would Thomas Jefferson react to riding in a car.  What would Cro-Magnon Man think of today’s cities?  Culture shock for sure.  Culture changes.  The people, not so much.

So much of life inevitable, and impermanent.  There will never be an end to religion, for religion has always been with us, from our pagan days to Christianity, to Scientology.  People have a need to believe in something beyond this world.   Even Buddhists with all their understanding of the cycles of life and the impermanence of everything believe they come back to the world to try to be better the next time around.

Humanists are a little different.  They are like Buddhists in that they understand everyone has the right to happiness and to be treated with respect, but they don’t believe in an afterlife, or reincarnation.poppies

I like to think we are not reincarnated or live in heaven, but our essence, or soul, or atoms are returned to the world via our bones and ashes.  We become part of the world we left.  We are in the worms and dirt.  We are the grass and flowers and sun.  Everything is one and we each play a part in the construction of the world.  Leonardo DaVinci is still with us.  He falls on my flowers as rain.  John Lennon is still here as sand in the ocean.  I will always be here, though you won’t see me, and I won’t see you.

MS and Moving Stuff

I haven’t had much problem with my MS since I retired.  I am able to sleep the 10 hours a night and nap for 2 hours during the day, but have energy in between.  But for a long while there I didn’t always need a nap, but lately I have no choice.  About 2 hours after I take my morning meds I am so sleepy if I don’t lay down I’ll fall asleep where I am.  Again, I am lucky enough to usually get that much needed nap.  I mentioned it to my neuro at my last appointment, and she replied that all the meds I take have a “may cause drowsiness” warning.

I finally told myImage neuro that I stopped taking the Copaxone injections.  I didn’t tell her I quit it last year.  When she asked me why, I told her because I was having trouble finding injection sites that still had fat.  The Copaxone destroys fat cells at injection sites, like liposuction.  I also said I didn’t know if it was doing anything, since I hadn’t had a relapse in over five years.  My neuro mentioned that perhaps I hadn’t had a relapse because the Copaxone was working.  I told her that if I had a bad relapse I would try one of the new oral drugs.

I have been noticing more symptoms lately.  The fatigue, heaviness in my legs and arms, pain behind my eyes, increased trigeminal pain.  The problem with my thumbs and ankles was really bad during the last little heat wave.  It was about 95 for 3-4 days.   I wonder if it’s because I haven’t been taking the injections, but now that I’m on medicare I’m not sure what disease modifying drugs are covered.  So once I get set up with a new neurologist in Long Beach I may revisit the subject.  Which reminds me, I have to find all new docs down there and should start calling those in the area to see if they are taking new patients.  Then make arrangements to have my records sent.  Neuro, GP, psychiatrist, and therapist, but I’ll take it one at a time and it will all get done.  If I worry about everything that we still have to do, I’d be overwhelmed.

We are very close to signing a lease on a beautiful little apartment.  It looks to have been built in the 20s above a garage.  It has old wood floors, a cute little kitchen with a little eating nook.  The bathroom still has the original tile and ceramic fixtures, though there arbedroome chips and cracks, I love the look. It even has a period mirror.  There are two nice sized bedrooms, each with floor to ceiling windows and little balconies where we could put a flower pot or two.  There is a dirt patch in the back that they call a yard, but Husband could take many of his favorite plants if they don’t mind us doing the landscaping and maintenance, but I will try to remember to ask at the signing.  The landlord did say we were at the top of his list of applicants.  We should know for sure tomorrow when he goes over all the paperwork.  Fingers crossed, we really fell in love with the place.

We started packing up some items, mostly books and nic nacs, and gone through closets for donation clothes and other items.  I’d already donated all my work clothes to a service for poor and homeless women to help them dress properly for jobs.  But we still have jeans and shirts that no longer fit. So we are starting to live in disarray, trying to keep the boxes straight and not put something we want or need to keep in the donation box.

All in all even with the increase in my symptoms, my health is very good.  My mood is still high and we are looking forward to this move.  There is still so much to do I’ll need to make a list: power, water, gas turned on and off, getting our DirectTV moved, setting up the computer, printer and wifi , new furniture to buy (this one sounds like fun) and I know I will do almost all of that.  It bothers Imageme a little less now than it used to because I realize Husband doesn’t like to do all that, he lets it overwhelm him and he gets confused.  I will make him take care of the simple things like calling to turn off power, etc.  And he does 90% of the grocery shopping, which I hate to do, so I’m willing to handle the more complex things like getting medical records moved and handle the computer stuff.  He’ll handle 95% of the physical move, so it seems pretty even. Once we get ourselves settled we will get Son into his own place and he can start looking for a job.

I like having Husband retired, and I love the idea of being just the two of us again after ten years.  Just like being newlyweds again!

The USA is turning Orwellian, 1984 was a warning

I can’t believe I’m reblogging this, I usually disagree with Shaun that things are as bad as made out to be. I’ve been convinced that, though we certainly see Orwellian situations here. I do agree though that not enough people are concerned. I believe the threat of deeper Orwellian images will happen long before America turns into a Muslim country. That’s when people will really fight. I agree to a point as to the 2nd Amend. But only to a point. I’m just as afraid of these gun toters as my government and don’t trust either to do right by me.

Family

Through my son’s search for his cousins, I have discovered three of my sisters ad one of my brothers on Facebook.  The question is, do I contact them?  None of them are on their pages regularly.  Some haven’t even posted this year.  If I did send a Friend Request, how long would I have to wait for a response?  At what point would I stop thinking, ‘maybe I’ll hear today’.  They look to be happy and relatively healthy and successful.  Here I am battling a life-long depression, and facing foreclosure and possible bankruptcy.  Makes me feel even more inadequate and unworthy of their attention.

Carol Kahlhamer

One of my sisters. She says she’s in her fourth year of remission.

I have to ask myself what would I gain?  After virtually no contact with my family in some cases 20 years, would I be welcomed?  Would I finally have a sense of belonging?  Would I be rejected?  I don’t know if I could bear the rejection again.  Also I understand they are all quite religious, complete with bible quotes on their pages, I don’t know how my radical Atheist ideals would go over and I know I couldn’t stand if I was being preached at all the time.

So what do I gain by contacting my ex-family?  I cannot honestly come up with any reason.  I can’t think of anything my life currently lacks that they would provide.  Perhaps I would feel loved by them, but the fear of the pain of rejection right now is much stronger. 

I was wondering what I would discuss with my therapist today.

Death and Foreclosure

Homeowners talking with Bank reps regarding refinancing in order to keep their homes.

No it hasn’t happened yet, but at this point I would welcome it.  I heard from BofA and the Save Your Home people (EDD) this week.  They both want more paperwork that I’ve already sent them.  The bank wants me to circle my EDD deposits even though they say they know which deposits are from my EDD account.  It doesn’t make sense.  I’m convinced that both BofA and EDD employe people just to carry files from one desk to another, only to shift them around and do nothing.  Then after two months call and ask for updated bank statements.  It’s beyond stupid.  It’s harassment.

I thought I’d made some progress after lodging a couple of complaints about the bank.  The last time I spoke with the bank they made it clear that I would have an answer by the end of the month.  That was in July .  Then they contacted me a couple of weeks ago asking for papers they already had.  I explained they had those, then they emailed me to ask me to circle my EDD deposits.  Stupid.  And today I heard from the EDD and they asked for the same papers the bank did, which they also have and I pointed that out.  Then they said they needed some other documents.  Now I have to dig up my EDD notifications for June.  Of course after I waited two months or more for them to contact me with a definite answer as to whether I would be able to refinance or qualify for assistance, I’m no closer to closure on either subject.  I have to dig up the papers, go down to the mailbox place and fax the stuff to each of them.  They want the documents in the next day or so.  Why are they in such a rush to get paperwork they won’t look at for two months!  Because I know it will be another month at least before I hear back from them when they call and ask for more of the same information.

I truly no longer believe either one will come through in our favor.   I’m tired of them dragging their feet, only to find after dealing with this shit for (probably) two more years.  I don’t have the energy.  I am convinced the house will be in foreclosure by the beginning of the new year and right now I don’t care.  I’m just tired of the endless requests for the same information.

My acceptance attitude only goes so deep right now.  I’m pretty bummed today.  It’s been a rough week with H being laid up by his kidney stones, and the heat, I’m at the end of my patience.  I didn’t get to either of my classes this week and missed my appointment with my therapist because H is laid up and I didn’t know if I was going to have to take him to the ER because of his pain.

I don’t feel like doing anything today, or tomorrow for that matter.  Hopefully H will be able to go back to work on Monday and things can “get back to normal” whatever that is.  I won’t deal with the house stuff until Monday.  They can just wait until I have the peace of mind to look for what they want and get it all faxed to them.  They want me to jump each time they contact me and I’m supposed to get the docs to them by the next two days.  Why, so I can wait two months for them to ask for the same papers again???  I just can’t stand it.

It’s going to be a tough year.

It looks like our older dog will definitely be put down this year,  He has so much trouble getting to his feet and he growls at you if you try to help him.  He’s a terrible patient and needs to be muzzled for the vet and sedated just to be examined.  He’s been a very difficult dog and I don’t believe he would have lived this long if not for our patience (stupidity?) and love for him.  He can’t help the way he is and we have “fixed” most of his issues.  Even so, I’d like to take him to the vet just to see what we can do, if anything for his hips.  But I’m not sure the ordeal of sedation would be good for him, or rush things along.

Death (Markus Zusak, The Book Thief)
easyreadinganddamnhardwriti…

Our friend B died last Tuesday.  His family said they were all at his bedside at home when he passed into his next life and it was a peaceful and beautiful moment for them.   I can’t believe he’s gone.  He’s actually the first person I truly deeply cared about that has died.  It’s easy most days because we have no major reminders of him.  But I see his pictures on friends FB pages and it brings tears to my eyes every time.  You have to understand what a special guy he was.  He was the life of the party, the glue of the old group of friends and brought them together for the past 20 years.  He was full of life, hysterically funny, and just a beautiful soul.  We miss him very much.  I haven’t heard about anyone in California doing any sort of memorial service here in his hometown or not, but I would like to do something.  But since I don’t really understand what the falling out was with the gang and H, I’m not sure I should contact them and try to set something up.  Neither am I sure that if others have the same idea and plan something that they will again exclude H from the info and therefore he obviously wouldn’t be able to attend.  I suppose we could do something with just the four of us, but I am at a loss as to what sort of memorial to do with just four people, one of them 10 years old.

It’s already been a tough year and it doesn’t look to be getting any better.  Hospice is now visiting H’s sister for her advanced COPD.  That’s been about a month now, and it seems she’s recovering somewhat.

H’s brother is also unhealthy with COPD, probably emphysema, and a shoulder problem that he’s already had surgery on.  Then last week he was all doped up on pain meds, tripped and fell, re-injuring the still healing shoulder.  He was told he will now require a second surgery.  We’re all broke and living in our own little corners of hell with little compassion for what the others are going through.  I try not to judge my bro and sister in laws for their lack of any interest in what H is going through.  They don’t know he’s been ill, but then compared to their problems, his seems, while extremely painful, not so bad.  I’m working on my compassion but it is a work in progress.

Mom seems like the only one feeling fairly well.  She is settling in at the residence and seems to now be taking part in the many activities they offer.  I think she would be happier in a private room, of course it would be more money, but what’s she saving her money for if it isn’t to live her last months comfortably?  If she doesn’t spend her money now on things she wants or wants to do, the state/feds will make her spend all her money on he final health care bill before Medicare and Social Security  pays their share.

It looks like the US is going to Syria, we’re still in Afghanistan, there are thousands of soldiers who have come back with PTSD and major depression.  The VA can barely help these people, and now you’re going to add more soldiers to that mix when they come home from Syria.

Right now I am depressed about my world and the greater world.  I desperately need a vacation, but will have to wait for H’s next available time off.  We are planning to go to Washington, spend some time in Seattle and Tacoma and see what rentals are like.  For some reason I am more comfortable with the idea of a condo/townhouse, rather than a single family house out in the boonies.  We might find a compromise with a little private house near the city.

I hope all of you are well today and have a wonderful weekend!

His Holiness The Dalai Lama

I find myself impressed and awed by the Dalai Lama.  I envy him his serenity and peace of mind, but then I think; Of course, he’s serene, he wants for nothing (except Tibet).  His followers provide everything he needs, right?  He has someone to make his travel arrangements, see to his calendar.  He doesn’t have worries about clothing himself, or obtaining food, or paying rent.  Does he?

Don’t get me wrong.  I still appreciate all the Dalai Lama does and is.  I would love more than most anything to have a chance to speak with him if only for a minute.  I do my best to embrace his words in my deeds and thoughts.  I try always to be kind and helpful, though I didn’t always.  I try to avoid hurting any living thing, though I don’t always succeed. 

I also realize he has studied Buddhism for all of his years, and is therefore unable to really think any other way, though he is sympathetic and empathetic to all sorts of suffering.  I wonder though, how he would fare if he had to get a 9 to 5 blue collar job.  Would he worry about money then?  Would he shop at second hand stores for his clothes?  Of course, he wouldn’t, because it is not in his nature to concern himself with these things.  How then do we get to that place?

As I consider leaving my current life, I realize I will walk away from the only support system I’ve ever had (outside of my new blogging supporters).  I will walk away from everything I’ve known for 34 years.  Currently I am getting unemployment, but my husband is the source of my health insurance, and unemployment isn’t going to cover food, rent, gas, and my six different meds. 

I want to not worry about these things, just as the Dalai Lama does not.  For Buddhists it just seems to work out somehow, without their seeming to do anything about it.  Can I trust to faith that somehow I will make it alone?  Most of this is fear talking, but these are also very real problems to try and work out.  Perhaps, I think, I won’t need all the antidepressants once I am on my own?  Therefore leaving (maybe) enough for my two pain meds.

I am worried also about hurting my family by leaving.  I doubt very much they will understand and feel instead that I am abandoning them, which in some ways would be true.  Will they understand I want so much more out of my life than blogging and posting political messages on my Facebook page.  I want to interact with live people.  I want to have passion in my life–passion for life.  I don’t want to listen to the compulsive lies they tell.  White lies, stupid lies.  Lies that do not need to be.  I am an honest person.  Too honest many would say, but I cannot be any other way.  I don’t wish to change them, but change myself.  Will they understand?  I suppose eventually they would. Maybe.  I’d hope.

But I find it harder every day to accept my family the way they are.   The incessant, inane arguments about whether that tree was a Lodge Pole Pine or something else and why.  Really, that’s what’s important?  No, what they feel is really important is that none of them is ever wrong.  I have been making pointed comments about their need to always be right, regardless of the topic of discussion.  I have tried to explain to them how the endless arguments eat at my contentment.  So far I haven’t noticed much of an improvement.

The Dalai Lama doesn’t have to worry about hurting his family.  He doesn’t have to concern himself with living on $1800 a month, where more than half will go toward rent, and the rest for food, etc.  Am I just jealous that he doesn’t have the same problems I do?  Of course, there are a lot of people who have different problems than mine, so why should I pick on the Dalai Lama?  I guess because I see his world as easier, and I suppose I want my life and my decisions to come easier.

I know I have a lot of work to do on myself, and overcome my fears and jealousies, and studying the way the Dalai Lama lives is something noble to emulate.  But how do you let go of the worry about money and food and shelter and trust that it will be provided, when you see so many homeless and hungry people out there?

Am I wrong to want more out of life than what my family offers?  Can I get what I want from my life by staying?  Do I want too much from life?

 

Happiness

I don’t normally post more than once a day, but I’m feeling particularly good this evening and want to share my happiness with you, my blogging friends.

In my last post I spoke of feeling somewhat guilty that my MIL moved out.  I felt I had somehow caused her decision.  That she was only moving out because of me and my breakdown.  Then one of my brilliant readers  (sorry I referred to you as female. I didn’t even realize until now) commented and told me this, and it means so much to me, I had to share.

 

Her moving out and into assisted living is unquestionably best for everyone. We feel guilt in situations like yours because that’s what we have been taught to feel…by parents, by our church (a generalization, I realize), by our educational system, and even by our children. But guilt is just a feeling and feelings are nothing if not ephemeral. One day we feel happy; the next day we feel sad. Our feelings mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. In a very real way, we FEEL a certain way because we CHOOSE to feel that way. Instead, we can look at a terrible situation in which we find ourselves mired and make up our MIND not to feel bad, afraid, guilty, fearful, or a thousand other negative emotions — and choose instead to settle down, relax, breathe deeply, and CHOOSE positive responses to our situation. Feelings are LIARS! They tell us we aren’t good enough, aren’t smart enough, aren’t worthy to receive love, aren’t capable of solving our problems, are inherently weak and will never have an abundant, joyful life. Yes, feelings are LIARS.

And it’s so good hearing you recognizing that the guilt you are feeling will vanish like the morning dew. Because it will. We are only as happy as we make up our minds to be. One of my favorite quotations is, “We’re all in the gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars.” That’s the way I want to live…and die — looking UP at the stars. Join me? *smile*

-R-

His statement about feelings being liars really struck a chord with me and goes right along with my budding Buddhist self.  I’m not sure we choose to feel a certain feeling, but we certainly can choose how long we feel that way.  You’ve seen it, especially on the freeways.  Some guy gets cut off and a fight ensues.  Why? Because the driver got angry at this perceived purposeful maneuver.  I’ve even seen guys aim their car at their target, threatening to run them off the road!  Because the action of someone else, a complete stranger, made him angry and he CHOSE to remain angry and get revenge.  If the driver chose not to be angry with the “jerk” who cut him off (which was probably unintentional) he’d have a much happier day.

So I have been much more happy since R wrote that comment.  I know I’d been told this in other words, and thought I got it.  But somewhere along the line I’d lost it.  I have the sense of control again.  I stand up to H now, no longer afraid.  (Afraid of what?  His disapproval?)  Fear is also a feeling we can choose to ignore.

I am beginning to be less fearful, less guilty, more in charge of my life, and that makes me truly happy.

Today I decided I am going to shampoo the carpet myself (S said he would help).  The whole house.  H doesn’t want to because it’s disruptive (even though that’s all I asked for for last Christmas). Today I don’t care.  Yes it will be disruptive and a lot of work, but I’m not asking him to help in any way if he doesn’t want to.  In fact I think instead of doing it Saturday, while H is home.  We (Son and I) will take care of it on Monday.  It will make me so happy (I know it’s a feeling) to have a clean carpet at last.  Next step, painting the kid’s room.

Even though my ms symptoms have increased lately, and I’m experiencing some troubling new ones, I’m not letting it depress me.  I am lucky to have lived without physical pain for the 35 years I’ve lived with ms.  All I can do is what I have been doing.  Worrying about it, getting depressed about, it serves no one.  I know I will have good days and bad and that at this stage the bad days will be steadily increasing.  But I’m learning to meditate and that can control the pain for hours.

In a nutshell, I am taking control of my life back.  Happiness is control of one’s self and one’s life.