I’m Getting Angry, Then Sad

I am angry, sad, confused, and just plain put out.  Common sense has disappeared from Congress.  Our protests gain a lot of press time and piss off Dump and Pres. Bannon, and yet, they seem to be ineffectual.  How do you keep up the heat?  I have only been actively involved a short time, and yet I already feel utterly defeated.

Here is a link to an article about how senators have voted on each Dump cabinet pick.  This list did not make me happy.


Sure, we should hang in there, wait until 2018 with the mid-term votes.  But both my reps seem to vote (mostly) how I want.  But I can’t vote for other states’ reps.  I can’t make the people in Ohio, Virginia, Wisconsin, etc. see it my way.

We can keep up the heat on declaring Dump incompetent due to mental illness, but we’re still stuck with all the other swamp creatures!  How do we clean up that mess?

Yes, I know, one step at a time.  But patience and persistence are not going to be enough.  I can’t sit here and hope the people in Blue States start calling their senators.

I feel like Dorothy, caught in a black & white tornado, and suddenly dumped (pun intended) in the middle of a bright orange swamp!



An Open Letter to Trump supporters

Dear Trump Fan

You must understand that the anti-Trump group is not simply upset that there are questions as to foreign manipulation in our election process.  It’s not simply that my preferred candidate did not win.  It’s not because most Trump supporters are Obama haters.  It’s because the man is simply UNFIT.

He lacks the knowledge of how to govern.  You might say, yeah, it’s one of the things you like about it.  But knowing how to govern involves understanding others’ points of view.  If I read a book, or several books, about government and how to be effective doesn’t mean I know how to govern.  But I would have a leg up on Trump.

He lacks the diplomacy that is required when dealing with foreign dignitaries.  Sure, you say, he knows plenty of foreign big wigs.  Yes, but those big wigs only deal with Trump on business.  They may respect that, they may not.  It could be they just put up with his lack of grace and humility because he is making them money.  Well, the government is NOT a business, and probably shouldn’t be run like one.  Businesses look at the bottom line, profit and loss.  A country doesn’t profit from its people, but is supported by them via taxes.

To be an effective leader, one must have empathy for the other guys.  Something Trump certainly appears to lack.  In fact, I’m not even sure Trump can define ’empathy’.  Nor can many of his supporters.

One must have compassion for ALL citizens, not just those who agree with you.  Belittling other groups is counterproductive, and makes one look small and childish.  Very un-Presidential.  Disrespectful.  Something Trump seems not to understand.  Respect is earned, and treating others disrespectfully diminishes one’s chance at being respected.

I don’t believe our President should be tweeting criticisms about TV shows, or people who disagree with him.  My President has more important things to do.  My President barely sleeps, has no time to watch TV, let alone have twitter wars.  It diminishes respect for My President in the eyes of other countries, which reflects badly on me.

For a democracy to work, it cannot be run like a dictatorship.  The American people will not yield their rights to a dictator.  Perhaps Trump and his supporters don’t know what a dictator is.  Well, it is exactly what Trump proposes with his refusal to meet with certain members of the press.  The elected leader of this country is bound by the Constitution to allow Freedom of the Press.  There are plenty of Trump supporters who know the Second Amendment very well, but many seem to be ignorant of the rest.

I won’t even go into the lies.  I don’t expect politicians to tell the truth, but I do expect them to own up to their ‘misstatements’ and offer a clarification, or an apology.  And an apology is not “I’m sorry you got mad at me when I called you stupid.”  It is “I’m sorry I called you stupid.  That was untrue and unkind.”

Yeah, your candidate won.  And since no charges are forthcoming from those who claim voter fraud or foreign influence, etc., I’ll go so far as to say he won legitimately.  That still does NOT mean he is a suitable representative of me, or people who think like me.  He can’t legislate people away.  He can’t ignore the majority, not for long, anyway.  One group of people does not have more privileges than another.  At least they shouldn’t.  Trump and his supporters seem to think it’s ok to ignore the rest of us.  The British didn’t take the resistance seriously either.  You do know how that ended, right?



It is ridiculous that I get Medicare, but it doesn’t cover much more than hospitalization.  I need a whole ‘nother policy to cover my doctor visits and medications.  Thank you GOP!!!suicide hotline

Anyone out there unraveled the Medicare site?  Talk about un-user-friendly (user-un-friendly?).  I have to pick out the rest of my coverage.  I list my numerous medications and it provides me with many choices for supplemental insurance.  But it won’t let me enroll.  Argh!  So I wait a few days.  I have to go through the same tiresome, tedious process.  This time I get different choices, but I am finally able to enroll in a plan.  I later discover the one I chose has almost NO specialists in the area where we will be moving.  Of course, I had picked the cheapest insurance, but I didn’t see anything else affordable.

So I did a little more digging and found a few other plans.  Plans that did not show up on the list provided by Medicare.  At least I didn’t see them, but as I said, the site is hardly easy to move around.  This time I figured I would call.  They called me back this morning and talked about their plan.  They will email MS logome the enrollment forms.  Now I will cancel the other plan.  This new plan sounds so much better.  But again, I can’t access the provider list unless I am enrolled!  That’s the First thing people want to know…whether their doctors are on the plan.  Still the lady on the phone looked up the area and specialists I will need and told me there were numerous choices, all in town.  She was also able to tell me my current doctors are not on the plan.  The only one I might’ve wanted to keep was my neurologist.  It would’ve been a drive to see her, but it already is.  But she’s not part of the plan.

I with my move I’d have to change anyway.  Still I think this is a better plan than the one I selected and enrolled in.  I hope it’s not going to be as difficult to cancel as it was to enroll.  It costs me more, but it’s not too bad.  And it’s loads better than the drug coverage I would get through Medicare, and costs me less.  Some of my medication co-pays would have been $75 – $90 per month!  Now they will be $15.  And when you take 6 drugs, that really adds up!

All in all I guess it will be ok.  There is going to be a lot of adjustments, new insurance, new rules, new doctors.  At least I’ll get the provider list before July, so  I can start calling doctors to see if they are accepting new patients or not.  My coverage starts July 1, so I’ll have some time to interview some and make an educated choice. happy

Somehow this is probably the most difficult move we have made.  So many things going on.  So many changes.  Son won’t be living with us any more.  All our doctors will be new, the city will be sort of new.  It’s where Husband grew up, so it’s not totally foreign.  Soon we will start packing and really selling the items we can.  Packing for two households.  Moving from one place to two.  Not going to be easy.  And I’m tapering off one of my meds.  Maybe I shouldn’t do that right now.  I’m doing ok so far, but with all the upcoming chaos, I’m a little concerned.  I see my shrink next week and we will work it out.

((Big sigh))  One thing at a time. 🙂

Banks and Foreclosure

I have my mortgage and two credit cards with the same bank.  Currently, my mortgage is in default due to no income for 6 months.  I have been working with the bank for that entire 6 months trying to find a way to stay in the house. Last week I got two calls from the bank, and left a message since my account manager never answers her line.  Then today I receive notice that the bank is unable to help us because we have not provided the required documents.  They HAVEN’T ASKED for any documents!  I just went through all this with them a month ago, and now they need more docs?  What the hell, they have all my bank account numbers, financial history, address; what else could they want/need?

Dealing with the bank has put a major hitch in my mood today.  Near the brink of tears just  leaving them a message.  I’m tired of dealing with them for the past 6 months and do not relish dealing with them for another 6!  I just want to walk away from the house now.  Personally, I feel we can go anywhere in the world.  My husband, much more practical, says we must stay in the general neighborhood, to keep grandson in his current school, at least until the end of elementary school (2 years).  I can’t imagine the bank stringing us along for two more years. 

I’d hate having to uproot everyone, especially Mom, and move, taking away grandson’s school (and neighborhood) friends.  I know he will get through it, but I don’t want to be the one to inflict that pain.  And I do feel like the pain will be caused by me, has been caused by me.  Now I’m in that whole if-I-hadn’t-left-my-last-job frame of mind.  Busy beating myself up.  I’m tired of beating myself up.  I’m not to blame for reaching a boiling point at my last job.  Many circumstances converged, leading to emotional overload, fear, anxiety, and stress.  I had to leave that job for my own mental health.  At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

I absolutely despise this bank.  I want to take my money out, cancel my credit cards and walk away from the house simply because I do not like the way they handle themselves with sending blanket, untailored letters periodically–I assume in an attempt to frighten me into some sort of action.

The only action I am liable to take in regards to the house is nothing.  Let the bank have it.  I don’t care.  I shouldn’t be jerked around by some power hounds for another year only for them to say NO in the end.  Which they will, because the house is a pre-fab (mobile home, according to the bank, though how it is mobile without wheels is beyond me) and no one is writing loans on “mobile homes”, it’s a VA loan (which restricts the monies a bank can charge during the loan process), and the house isn’t worth near what we paid for it 5 years ago.  In fact, we have lost 30% of the value. 

There is no way, should the bank take the house from us, that they will get even near the decreased value.  They would be very lucky to get even 1/3rd the value in a short sale or an auction.  The house needs at least $15,000 worth of repairs (for flaws disguised when we bought the house): new plumbing, new kitchen including stove/oven, new carpet, new flooring, update and eliminate leaks in the second bathroom.   I guess it’s better for the bank to take people’s homes from them, sell the house at a 50% loss the bank can then write off, so what do they care about the condition, or the people?  But we are well aware that corporations (though tax-wise are individuals) care nothing for individuals.  It’s the almighty bottom line: he with the most gold at the end wins. 

Moment to Moment

I just had a “conversation” with S, any time he paused and I opened my mouth, only to have him jabber on without regard for my half, thereby fulfilling the definition of  “conversation.”  I don’t get angry.  It makes me so sad.  I feel like I’m a lousy mom that I didn’t teach him better.  I want to yell at him, “let me say something,” but he’s already finished talking and left the room.  I feel so unwanted, it’s really making my life difficult.

I’ve discussed this to some degree with H, and all he can do is apologize.  I don’t want an effing apology, I want him to change.  It’s nearly impossible to repair our communication without his help.  I mostly don’t bring up the subject with either S or H, because they will just argue that I am wrong, and add that they were sorry.

They don’t understand it’s a cumulative thing. 

Every test or quiz I’ve taken in the last 30 years, from various  internet sources, and magazines.  Me and H flunked every one of them. Flunking indicates those couples with poor communication skills are doomed to divorce. I’d really love to prove them wrong.

I’m to the point where it’s a daily struggle with my mood.  My morning started out beautifully, posted a new blog, read a few blogs, cleaned the fridge (ewww).  I felt good and had some motivation. Then I had to have a conversation with S, and my mood was shot to hell. 

So here I am typing through my tears, angry with myself for allowing myself to be this miserable.  I hate feeling so stuck.  How can I leave when we can’t afford one place?  Who will I depend on? S and H don’t ignore me on purpose, but they do it always, and now I find Mom does it too.  That’s my last straw.

I remember that calm place on grandma’s sun porch ca 1970, and try to go there while I fold and put away all the laundry I just finished.  Moments like these I feel more like the housekeeper than wife and mother.

Just give me a minute and I’ll be ok.  I don’t want to give in to the tears.

Mom Saga

Mom is apparently becoming a little more comfortable in our house.  Though I dearly wish she would stay out of my kitchen.  I’ve offered to bring her a chair to sit on so we can visit while I am doing dishes, but she seems to prefer standing in the doorway, somewhat trapping me in the kitchen.  Sigh.  I know it isn’t much, but it takes some getting used to and I’m trying not to grind my teeth when it frustrates me.

I’m doing my best and holding my tongue as much as I can.  Now I have another one who I have to listen to as well.  And I’ve discovered she is unable to hold a conversation.  Such a huge obstacle to overcome.  But I’m treating her as I do my son, with “uh huhs” and the like.  She mostly repeats what she’s heard or read on TV.  In case we missed it, I guess.  It’s just an annoying habit, and surely one I am big enough to ignore.

When I say she can’t have a conversation, I mean that all she does do is repeat what she’s heard or seen.  If my husband tells me dinner was tastey, she’s the next one to say it.  Never first, always second.  She reminds me of a parrot.  It’s the same every day, the same comments.  Mom has always done this.  Everytime we drove down a certain street, we passed a farm with a sign “Okra $5 a barrel” or something like that.  Every time we drove past that sign Mom would ask us if we liked okra, then proceeds to tell us that she didn’t.   It became a family joke that whenever someone was beating a dead horse, we would ask, “Do you like okra?”

How do you deal with obnoxious behavior in your home?  My grandson likes to make a lot of noise.  Just noise, at all times of day.  It’s part of his hyperactivity.  He always chattered to himself, even before he was old enough to actually talk.  It can get quite annoying and the more you ask him to stop, the louder he becomes.  Sometimes I just have to jump up and yell at him to stop.  I guess its just part of who he is, and only when he gets way out of control do I yell.  I try to remember that when Mom asks me for the umpteenth time, “Do you like okra?” or reads a caption on the television that I am perfectly capable of reading myself.

I know, how can I complain, when my son and grandson have given up their bedroom for their grandma.  I feel like such a jerk, but I can’t help it if something annoys me, can I?  Well, I’m trying to control it, and finding it a little difficult.  It’s sort of like that annoying co-worker who bores you with their exciting tales in the life insurance business, or his lint ball collection, you do the bare minimum required by society.  It makes me uncomfortable, and I’m trying hard to be Buddhist and accept people exactly as they are, but I’m not the Dalai Lama and I have difficulty, as I’m sure other people do.

Her weirdest habit is her constant scratching or brushing of material, whether it’s her sweater, a blanket, or the couch cushion.  I don’t understand this little quirk, but assume it must soothe her when she is anxious, though she does it even when it would seem she is not anxious.  I try to put my chihuahua in her lap and let her scratch the dog.  It doesn’t make any noise, and they both really like it.  Though I don’t think the dog really likes the scent of cigarettes.  Trying to make the best of that as well.

Stock Photo - Open pack of cigarettes and lighter on a light ...I understand now the power of a nicotine addiction.  I also understand that people I know have been able to quit.  Non smokers see smokers as rather ignorant.  I try to be a bit more open minded, at least when it comes to some generations.  I have little sympathy for a 20-something cigarette smoker.  They enter into the habit fully knowing the odds of various health problems inherent in nicotine addiction.   Mom’s generation got hooked long before all the bans and warnings.  Still she should have quit 25 years ago when she had her first heart attack, or after she had her second open heart surgery, or maybe after she had both carotid arteries cleared, but no.  And now why should she quit?  She’s 84 years old and still kicking.  It’s like she’s immune to death.  Maybe the implanted defibrillator has something to do with it.

Outside her parrot-like behavior, Mom is likeable.  A little annoying, but perfectly harmless.  She has no opinions, no thoughts of her own, I wonder why.  Is it a level of intelligence, or merely her personality, it’s still something I try to deal with. I firmly believe she has come me like this at this time in my life to teach me patience.  I need to learn a meditation of patience. 

On the plus side, since she’s moved in I have been more diligent about getting out and running errands or walking.  Now if I can get her to give me the papers I requested from the VA and social security, life would be improved.  She had no idea what the papers were for, and, while I don’t want to take her mail from her, she needs to give the forms to me to fill out or she won’t get anything.  I explained to her several times that the VA would be sending us paperwork to see about her getting R’s navy pension.  When it arrived today, she opened the envelope and studied it for a long while, then put everything back into the envelope and put it away in her room.  I’m betting that she won’t remember where she put it by tomorrow.