Recovery – Day Five

He’s not coming out of it like usual. I swear he’s becoming delusional. And I know delusional and how difficult it is to get along with them. To avoid conflict you have to buy into their delusion. It’s especially hard to do when the delusions change from day to day.

Every day he tells me something that’s just plain wrong:

“We watched that show together.” Except we did not watch that show together.

“Where’s the leftover chicken from last night?” We hadn’t had chicken in several days. Is this a problem with keeping track of the days? It doesn’t seem so, because he insists we had roast chicken the night before and doesn’t understand why I would deny it. You would think logic would come into play, but no.

“Can you print something for me?” I do. Then I give him the papers and he says, “I didn’t ask you to print that.” This in a span of 15 minutes.

He is so convinced that what he remembers is real and what we remember is just wrong. I ask him, “Why would I lie about that?” Not to mention, he knows I have never lied to him.

Every day he has a new problem with his computer or tv. One day it won’t turn on at all. The next day he has no volume control, etc. He’ll get each issue fixed and a few hours later it’s another problem. I’m not sure there is ever anything wrong. It’s impossible to know. He won’t leave it alone long enough for you to really help. Near as I can figure, he hallucinates that there is a problem and starts to unplug and turn things off. But I have to go in his room and look at all the wires and figure out what he’d disconnected.

I’m supposed to go with him to the doctor today. He’s talked about it all week. Now this morning he doesn’t want me there and doesn’t want to give me permission to talk to the therapist at all. I told him if he wanted his dad and me to be able to help him, he’d give his permission. Now he’s in his room, ruminating on why we are so mean and demanding.

It is 11:40AM and I’m arguing with Son about it. He’s telling me we should get going if we’re going to make it on time. I thought the appointment was at 1. He says yes, but it’s 12:40 and I have to repeat it is not. Now he’s upset again and hiding in his room. I’m looking forward to the ride to the doc. God know if I’ll even get to say anything once I’m there. Probably a total waste of time, but I’ve got to try. They need to at least understand that the situation at home is barely tenable. We need help to understand, and they are not getting a complete picture of the situation.



I Accept

I’m very honored to be handed The Blog of the Year Award 2013.  Thank you very much for the award irenedesign2011,  I appreciate the nod.  Not to toot my own horn, but this is the 3rd  or 4th award I have been graced with these past few weeks.  Must be the holidays.

(And on a weird political rant tangent:

I say ‘holidays’ because I understand there are numerous ‘holidays’ in December, and would rather myself say ‘Happy Holidays’ to your ‘Merry Christmas’ only because ‘Kwanhanichrist’ is hard to say.  (I leave out numerous other holidays in that phrase above as it word rolls off the tongue better than ‘kwanhanichristsolsboxingNewYear’.

Section 1: Directions for you to accept the The Blog Of The Year 2013 Award

1-Select the blog(s) you think deserve the Blog Of The Year 2013 Award. (done)

2-Write a blog post and tell us about the blog(s) you have chosen- there are no minimum or maximum number of blogs required- and ‘present’ the blog(s) with their award. (this is it.)

3-Let the blog(s) that you have chosen know that you have given them this award and share the instructions with them- (please don’t alter the instructions or the badges!) (working on it)

4-Come over and say hello to the originator of the Blog Of The Year 2013 Award via this link: (done)

5-You can now also join the Blog Of The Year Award Facebook Page. Click the link here: (I might just do that)

6-And as a winner of the award- please add a link back to the blog that presented you with this award (done)

7-and then proudly display the award on your blog.

Section 2: Badges


I’m sorry, but this is a lot of work for what should be considered an honor.  I can understand the idea behind it.  And, truly, I am grateful for these nominations, but really, I have a bit of trouble with linking all these things so this post takes me a long time to complete.  I don’t know, but maybe I’m doing it wrong.  Any hints to speed up the process I’d appreciate it.  Normally, I spend maybe an hour on my post, and have the rest of my limited time reading/commenting on other peoples’ blogs.  These take me hours.

That said, I nominate the following people.  They have been very active parts of my life,  eFriends, if you will.  People I would like to meet in person.

Everyday Gurus

Looking For Reasoning To A Complicated World
On The Light Side Of Gamification
Randa Lane – Haiku And More!

Of course, there are numerous others, but, well, these are the first five that came to mind.  Plus there are those of you who prefer not to participate.

I love you my co-bloggers and efriends, I have found a great deal of friendship, and education knowing all of you.  So, go forth and populate the blogosphere with mutual respect, a sense of caring and support, as we all go through our various trials.  I’ve gotten a lot of support here.

Son is Having a Bad Day

Which is always bad for me.  He gets so angry and negative and I just can’t be around him, let alone offer him any comfort.  I cannot fix what ails him, only he can, but he always finds something else to gripe about.  He has come to hate being around people, because so many of them have been uncaring, and mean to him.  He just came home from grandson’s school.  They got to wear their Halloween costumes to school and his got ripped beyond repair by another boy in school.  The costume lasted exactly two hours.  Now he has nothing to wear tonight trick or treating.  I feel bad, and I will take grandson to the thrift store later this afternoon to try and find him something else.  We all knew the costume would get torn, and warned grandson to be extremely careful, unfortunately as careful as he was, his playmates were not.

Well, that sort of does my day in.  Glad I see my therapist this afternoon.

Things Are Good

Things are still going along smoothly.  My meds seem to be doing the job, and I am pleased to be back in therapy.  Maybe I just need to realize that I need professional help when life gets real complicated.  I realized in looking back my stress had been building for two and a half years.  I figure I hung on pretty good, all things considered.  (Maybe I should read my own blog?)

Anyway, things are going well, and Mom announced today that she will be moving into her own place the end of this month.  She has found an assisted living place she really likes and has already met her new roommate, who she really likes.  I haven’t seen her this excited…hell, I’ve never seen her this excited.  She has energy and a little more pep in her step.  She seems very pleased with her decision.  I just worry that she thinks we don’t want her here, but she insists she’s moving out because she wants to.  It will certainly be better for us, the boys can get their room back and we can move some of her “junk” – boxes of Lladro figurines, and 12 paintings will probably stay with us, but her thousands of shoes and shirts and slacks which have over-filled our limited closet space.  We can finally paint the room, and clear out closets.

Now I can concentrate on the bank and the house.  I still haven’t reviewed the contract for a lawyer to represent us, but he assures me that we qualify to do a modification.  Now I have to reconcile myself with possibly staying here for the long term.  I guess I could do it if I could afford to make changes.  If I could tear out the shabby ex-white carpeting and replace it with wood.  If I could repaint the interior and replace my stove and dishwasher and repair and improve my deck, I’d never leave.  Even if I could only do one thing per year. 

One change can change your whole future.  (Why did it take me 52 years to find that out??)


Making Big Changes

Saw my therapist for the first time today.  I saw her about 9 years ago when husband had his affair, so it’s sort of nice that she’s still around to meet with me again.  My main goal, outside of getting my depression under control (again) is learning to deal with my family and their ways of communicating.  Try to work with the fact that none of them is ever wrong (now this includes Mom, too), so everything is an argument (though they don’t see it that way).

I am very pessimistic about them making any changes, but my Therapist (T) says I can’t control what or how they say anything, but I can control my response to it.  I let the way they talk upset me and hope to learn how to better deal with them.  I will try to understand when H says I should or need to do something he is trying to make a suggestion in an effort to help me.

It makes me sad how I let my husband control me and my emotions.  He never did it consciously or to actually control me.  It just sort of happened.  Typically, I blame myself, when actually it was both of us, and had a lot to do with our respective ages.  While ten years difference doesn’t matter any more, it truly did make a difference in how our marriage played out.  Why I became such a wimp, I’ll never know.  No, I know why, I just don’t like to admit the similarities between husband and my father.  ICK!

I have been trying to articulate what I want to change in our house and T said it’s a good start and she will help me get stronger and better able to speak up.  I know I need to get tougher and should have gone back into therapy when I started having trouble with my job.  Things have been building up to this point for up to two years before I left my job.  That’s when stuff started to grow more difficult. That’s when my employer moved to SMALLER quarters.  (I know, what company downsizes like that?  Anyway, I lost a ton of space, ending up in a 4×5 cubicle, where I had been working with a 12 x 12 space and enough filing and workspace to adequately do my job.

I did what I could to make adjustments to the lack of space, but by the time I had gotten a hang of the lack of workspace, the firm decided to purchase the latest version of MSWord.  I’m sure some of you know the kind of changes they made in Word 2010.  For those of you not as familiar, they changed EVERYTHING, and I really mean EVERYTHING.  They moved stuff around, changed where you find formatting, insert function, etc.  Set up all these tabs and basically made Word for PCs more like the Mac…which wouldn’t have been a big deal, if I hadn’t grown up with Word, worked with the program since it’s inception, and was a highly skilled expert.  I had also recently turned 50, was experiencing memory loss and cognitive dysfunction and a newly developed habit of losing things like notes.  It was terrible on my pride and confidence.  In fact, I totally lost all confidence and slowly fell apart. 

With my confidence in the crapper, it wasn’t long before everything snowballed into disaster and my panicked “retirement.”  T couldn’t believe I was denied DI.  Then I explained I didn’t push the depression, since I thought I had that under control.  With recent events she wondered if I reapplied if I’d be accepted.  I guess I could look into it, but think I need to go back to work first.  Maybe I will find out I can do certain jobs.  Unfortunately, I won’t make nearly as much money since I will be working at a lower level of responsibilities.  I don’t want to deal with lawyers–too much stress, and don’t think I could handle just a “regular” Executive Assistant position either, so I’m down to an Admin Assistant, which is where I was at 15 years ago.  A depressing thought to be sure. 

Being an admin assistant wouldn’t be so bad, if it didn’t ensure that I couldn’t possibly keep my house because that job just doesn’t pay what I would need to make.  Well, that’s just depressing me more.  Think it’s time to walk my dog.